


This House No Longer Feels Like Home (Rewritten)

by hilourry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotional Sex, Fingering, Happy Ending, Kid Fic, M/M, Past Mpreg, Rimming, lots of fighting and emotions, mentions of mpreg, rewritten, so just read it and find out i guess, the entire fic has been rewritten so it's different than it was the first time around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 03:17:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13262493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilourry/pseuds/hilourry
Summary: Harry and Louis have been together for 20 years. Harry cheats. Louis cries. Will their marriage survive?





	This House No Longer Feels Like Home (Rewritten)

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this house no longer feels like home about 3 years ago, so i decided to rewrite it. some things are identical, but this more elaborated and a different story line to an extent. hopefully this is better than the original
> 
> side note: italics mean it's a flashback. hopefully that was clear!
> 
> update: i was looking over it and noticed that the italics were messed up, it's so difficult to do on ao3, but i went through it and HOPEFULLY it's all fixed! i hope it was still clear!

_I break if you do  
but I will use my pieces  
to fix you again  
\--Tyler Knott Gregson _

*Louis*

It’s 12:07 in the morning, and Louis is alone. It’s 12:07 in the morning, and Harry should have been home an hour ago. It’s 12:07 in the morning, and Louis doesn’t know when his marriage fell apart.

He’s sitting by the window, blanket thrown over his shoulders, waiting for Harry’s car to pull into their driveway. It’s snowing, and a part of Louis, the worrier in Louis, thinks maybe Harry’s lying dead in a ditch somewhere. It’s like his paternal instincts he has with his kids, but for his husband. Husbandly instincts, maybe.

But the logical part of Louis, the part that knows how distant he and his husband have been since the birth of their last son, knows Harry isn’t dead. There’s a part of him that knows Harry isn’t on his way home, and he isn’t alone. He’s late because he’s spending his free time with someone who isn’t Louis. He hopes and hopes it’s just anxiety and fear from watching too much dramatic television. He hopes that Harry is actually just late, maybe doing emergency surgery and saving someone’s life, being Superman.

_”Daddy, why isn’t papa home yet? I wanted to say goodnight to him,” Lucas said quietly while Louis tucked him into the blankets. Louis smiled softly and pushed Lucas’ hair back._

_“I know, baby. But papa is still at work, because he’s like superman. He’s saving the day,” Louis told him, voice soft in the dark room._

_“What?!” Lucas exclaimed, his eyes going wide and excited._

_Louis grinned. “Yup. Papa goes out and saves lives every day. When people are hurt papa makes them all better. That’s why he can’t be home as much as we’d like. But he always comes back home, yeah? And he’ll always be our hero.”  
_  
Lucas was only four at the time Louis started calling Harry Superman, and from there, it stuck. All five of their kids now look up to Harry as if he were even better than Superman himself.

It feels like forever since it was just Louis and Harry, without any kids. Hell, it’ll be twenty years come January since they first got together. Louis sometimes can’t even process that it’s been that long since they’ve met.

_  
Daddy, can you tell us how you and papa met before we go to bed?” Sophia asked, her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. Louis is fairly sure she’s picked up that trait from himself, and can now see why Harry can’t resist it when Louis does it._

_“Again?” Louis laughed, sitting the six-year-old on his lap. She was almost too big to do that anymore, and if Louis thinks about that too long, he’ll cry. He doesn’t want them to grow so quickly._

_Lucas, eight years old, sat next to them on the couch, and his one year old Gabriella was already upstairs asleep in her crib. “It’s a good story, daddy,” Lucas told him._

_“I’ve told it to you guys a billion times, I think,” Louis laughed. “But I guess I can tell you again, because I really like the story, too._

_“Papa and I met during university. On the first day of our English class, he came in late and the only empty seat in the class was next to me. So he kept making silly faces at me and telling me silly jokes just to make me laugh. He does that to you guys, too, yeah? Always trying to make everyone laugh.” The kids giggled and nodded, knowing exactly what their father was talking about. Harry was always telling the kids corny jokes or turning around in the car just to make funny faces at them while they’re in the backseat._

_“Well, after a few weeks of class, he finally asked me out to dinner, but the place only served breakfast, so we ordered pancakes. Papa has always been like that, always wanting to be different and do silly things like eat pancakes for dinner. But those pancakes were the best pancakes I’ve ever had. After that, he dropped me off at my dorm and kissed me goodnight. And that’s it, we fell in love, we got married, and now we have you lovely kids.”_

_Louis kisses both of their foreheads, making them smile in response._

_“You and papa really love each other a lot,” Sophia giggled, and Louis grinned._

_“We do, and we always will,” Louis promised. “Alright, loves, bedtime.”_

_The story of how they met is true, for the most part. Just a more innocent version of it. Harry asked him out during class, but they went to a club first, full of filthy kisses and messy blowjobs in the bathroom. Pancakes for dinner happened, and when Harry walked Louis back to his dorm, it didn’t end with a friendly goodnight kiss. Louis invited him in, and they spent the night together. From there, they did fall in love, and never looked back from there. The kids don’t have to know all the details, though.  
_  
Louis always knew it would be difficult from the moment Harry told him back in university that he wanted to be a doctor. He was fine with it, knowing Harry would be saving lives, taking care of their family financially, and doing what he loves. But that doesn’t mean Louis doesn’t get lonely, doesn’t wish every day that he could spend more time with Harry, that Harry can spend more time with their children. And now, it’s worse than ever.

“Babe?” Harry calls softly into the room, closing the door behind him. Louis looks up quickly and sighs.

“You’re home,” Louis whispers. “It’s late.”

“I know, I’m sorry. A patient died today. He was terminal, we knew it was coming, but you know how much work goes into it after someone dies.”

Louis hates the way Harry talks about death lately. It’s like he’s been exposed so many times that it doesn’t mean much anymore. He’s become desensitized to it. Louis understands that Harry can’t have emotional reactions to every death, because he has to be professional, but he needs to at least care about his patients. Louis doesn’t want his husband to be a robot.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Harry shrugs in response. “It happens.” He shrugs off his shirt and drops a quick peck to Louis’ mouth. “I’m gonna shower, so don’t wait up for me. It’s late, get your rest.”

“Oh,” Louis murmurs. He tries to force a smile. “Alright. Goodnight, then. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

“Sorry, love, but I’ve got an early morning. I’ll be out before you’re up, I’m afraid. Give the kids a kiss for me, and I’ll try to be home for dinner,” he says, but they both know it’s doubtful. Harry kisses him again. “Goodnight.”

Louis bites his lip as he watches Harry walk into the bathroom, trying his hardest not to cry. He won’t cry. Harry didn’t say he loved Louis like he always does, but he’s had a long day. Harry is Superman, and Superman gets busy sometimes. He has lives to save, but he always comes back home.

He drags his body into bed and curls under the sheets. He turns his body away from the door and shuts his eyes tightly, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Louis will just pretend everything is fine, if at least for the sake of their kids.

*Harry*

Harry closes the door to the bathroom and quickly strips himself of his scrubs, turning the water on as hot as it will go. The guilt, especially tonight, seems to be eating away at his insides, and he hopes hot water will rid him of his sins.

He stands underneath the spray, rolling his neck to ease the tension there. Grabbing the shampoo, he begins to rinse his freshly cut hair. It’s been long for as long as he can remember, but he was inspired by one of his pediatric patients. Katie was six years old and had lost all of her hair due to chemo. Every day she saw Harry, she’d fawn over his long curls, even braiding it once.

_  
”I wish I had hair like yours,” she sighed longingly. “I used to have really pretty hair.”_

_It completely broke Harry’s heart. He smiled sadly at her and gave her small hand a squeeze. She reminded him too much of his own little girls at home, and that thought terrified him._

_“But you know what? You’re still beautiful. You’ve got a beautiful smile, and those lovely blue eyes of yours, and you’re one of the funniest kids I’ve ever met. You don’t need hair to be beautiful.”_

_Katie’s mother had to leave the room because she began to cry, but Katie gave him a toothy grin. “Thanks, Doctor Harry.”  
_  
That day, he went straight to the hair salon and cut it all off and sent it to be made as a wig for Katie. Harry didn’t need it. Louis was distraught, yelling at Harry for making such a decision without him. Always dramatic, Louis, but his hair had been long for so long, and he’s grown so used to it. Harry calmed him down and kissed him, telling him it was okay, because a little girl with cancer would get to have hair again. Louis promptly burst into tears and grabbed Harry in a tight embrace and a heated kiss.

_”You are the most lovely human being, and I love you so much it hurts.”_

Harry puts the back of his head on the tile and lets out a long breath. Here it is, nearly a year of being a disgusting, dirty, cheating husband, and he can’t get himself to stop. It just sort of happened, and he wishes he could take it back, but he’s in too deep now. He hates himself, but he doesn’t know how to fix it, so he continues to do it and pretend everything's okay.

_  
Just a couple weeks after Louis gave birth to Joshua, Harry was in his office, taking care of some paperwork before seeing his next patient._

_“Dr. Styles? I brought you some coffee,” Nathan smiled, walking into Harry’s office and placing a cup of hot coffee on his desk. Harry looked up at the new male nurse and smiled gratefully._

_“Thanks, I need this,” he said, taking the paper cup and sipping carefully. “Perfect.”_

_“You look exhausted, Dr. Styles,” Nathan noted, walking around his desk and rubbing his shoulders. Harry froze. Nathan has just started only recently and following Harry around, sparking up conversations all the time and bringing him whatever he can. Harry just assumed he’d been kissing ass to give himself a good reputation or looking for a good evaluation to get a raise soon._

_“Yeah, it was a long night with my newborn,” Harry admitted, attempting to move out of Nathan’s grip._

_“Newborn? You’re married?” Nathan asked, shocked. Harry held up his left hand sheepishly, showing off the gold band._

_“Yeah, been together almost twenty years.”_

_“Oh, well, she must be a very lucky woman,” Nathan said softly, running his thumbs over Harry’s shoulder blades, as if Harry didn’t just say he was married._

_“Um, man. Louis is my husband,” Harry coughed awkwardly._

_“Oh, Dr. Styles,” Nathan smirked. “I didn’t know you swung that way. I guess he hasn’t been treating you right, if the tension in your shoulder is anything to go by.”_

_“No, no, Louis is great. But we have five kids now, and he just gave birth a couple of weeks ago. He’s been exhausted, and it’s stressful at home right now, but he’s doing a great job,” Harry insisted._

_“Dr. Styles, can I ask you a personal question?” Nathan leaned close to Harry’s ear._

_“Erm, I suppose.”_

_“When’s the last time your husband Louis made love to you?” Nathan whispered in his ear. Harry bit his lip and held his breath._

_“Um, a few weeks ago, I think, maybe a couple of months. Like I said, he just gave birth, and he’s still too sore to do anything.”_

_“Sounds far too long. You must be aching for it,” Nathan murmured, pressing his mouth to Harry’s neck._

_“Nathan, I told you I’m married,” Harry said weakly._

_“I won’t tell if you don’t.”  
_

Here they are, nearly a year later, and it’s still happening. A whole year of sleeping with Nathan behind Louis’ back, coming home late, and making sure his husband didn’t find out, and a year of sneaking around and not spending as much time at home as he should. But Nathan is new, fresh, and he’s different. The whole thing is different.

Harry is well aware that it’s wrong, that he’s ruining his family, but it feels too late to do anything, and he’s trying to enjoy it before the other shoe drops, eventually. He knows it’s coming, but he doesn’t know when, and it feels out of his control. 

_  
”Papa, why do you have so many tattoos?” Sophia asked her father while building a sandcastle on the beach. Harry sat across from her in his swim shorts, his tattoos exposed. He smiled over his shoulder, looking over at his husband playing with Lucas and Gabriella. Gabriella on his hip, giggling while Lucas made funny faces at her. Even at only nine years old, Lucas was great with his younger sister, even though Gabriella was a tough three year old._

_“Because I like them, and they all mean something important to me,” Harry explained, helping her shape the castle._

_“Like what?”_

_“Like…these birds on my chest are Daddy and I. That’s why this one is a little bit smaller, just like Daddy,” Harry smiled fondly, pointing to the swallow on his right side._

_“What about the sailboat?” she asked curiously._

_“Well, whenever I’m far away from you guys, or I don’t get to see you a lot, it reminds me of home. It reminds me that I’ll always come back home to see you guys,” Harry explained. “Some of them I just really like, so I got them.”_

_“Why doesn’t Daddy have any?”_

_“Daddy doesn’t like tattoos,” Harry shrugged._

_“But daddy likes you,” she said simply, making Harry laugh._

_“Yeah, he does. He likes how they look on me but doesn’t want to get any himself.”_

_The truth is, Louis has a tiny tattoo on his inner thigh that says H &L, something he got when he had too much to drink. Harry loves it though, so much, and spends extra time kissing it. It’s always been one of his favorite spots to kiss Louis.  
_  
After showering, Harry throws on his sweats and heads back into his bedroom, Louis’ back towards him. He silently hopes Louis is already asleep, so he won’t have to feel as much guilt.

*Louis*

Louis is still awake when Harry gets into bed. Really, he hasn’t been sleeping much at all. He’s got five kids, though, so he definitely needs plenty of sleep, and he isn’t getting it. It’s hard to sleep when the bed feels like it’s occupied by a stranger, someone who might as well be thousands of miles away.

Harry gets into bed with wet hair and bare skin. Louis turns on his other side and chances a glance at Harry. He spots a faint love bite on his collarbone, one Louis knows he didn’t leave. Louis isn’t even sure the last time they’ve fooled around, when he thinks about it, and he suddenly feels nauseous. Louis never could have even thought that Harry would cheat on him, but now, it’s the only explanation. But, Harry loves Louis, doesn’t he? Maybe it isn’t a love bite at all. Maybe it’s a small burn mark from a splatter of oil. He’s always cooking shirtless, so it was bound to happen. Maybe Louis is just paranoid, and Harry isn’t cheating at all. But when he closes his eyes again, a memory hits him, and it only seems like more proof of Harry having an affair.

_  
”Where is Harry? I’m starving,” Liam whined, picking at a piece of bread and chewed it angrily._

_“He was performing surgery today,” Louis told them, fingering his wine glass. “I think a woman with breast cancer. He should be here soon.”_

_“Maybe you should call him and find out where he is?” Sophia suggested softly. “It shouldn’t take this long.”_

_“Yeah, I’ll call him,” Louis stood up and grabbed his phone. “I’ll be right back.”_

_He walked outside into the crisp September air and dialed Harry’s number. After five agonizingly long rings, Harry picked up, sounding out of breath and panicked. “Hello?”_

_“Harry? Where are you?” Louis asked, sounding small._

_“Shit, tonight is date night, innit?” Harry asked with a sigh._

_“Every Friday for the past fifteen years,” Louis’ voice cracked. “You forgot?”_

_“Yeah, ‘m sorry, babe. I’ll be over now. I just got caught up over here. Where are you?” Harry asked, and Louis could hear shuffling in the background._

_“No, no, that’s okay. I think I’m going to head home, I’m not really in the mood for a date night right now, anyway,” Louis said, closing his eyes and swallowing around the lump in his throat._

_“Lou, it’s okay. I’ll be there in a few, I promise,” Harry replied._

_“Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. I’ll just see you at home,” Louis murmured._

_“Alright, love you,” Harry said and hung up, not even waiting for a reply._

_“Love you, too,” Louis whispered to no one. He pocketed his phone and let out a small whimper, wiping his wet eyes and going back inside. Liam and Sophia looked up and their eyes instantly softened._

_“What did he say?” Sophia asked._

_“He forgot, said he got caught up at work. I think I’m just going to head home, let my mum go home early, and watch some telly with the baby,” Louis shrugged, grabbing his jacket._

_“Louis, just stay and have dinner with us,” Liam almost pleaded._

_“I’m not really that hungry. Been a long week anyway. I’ll see you two soon, yeah?”_

_“Alright, goodnight,” Sophia said hesitantly._

_“Night.”_

_After getting into his car, he broke into tears. He didn’t leave the parking lot for another half an hour.  
_  
Louis sniffs, trying not to cry at the memory. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore. He wants it all to go away for right now. He squeezes his eyes shut and eventually falls into a restless sleep.  
~  
_Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight” –Phyllis Diller_

When Louis wakes up the next morning, he rolls over in bed and keeps his eyes closed. As a father of five children and a husband who’s never around, he doesn’t get much peace and quiet. He wants to savor these few silent moments, before the baby starts to cry, before Jake runs in begging for breakfast, before Gabby comes in asking Louis where her other shoe is, before Sophia rummages through their closet to steal one of Harry’s headscarves, or before Lucas comes in asking his dads to write him an excuse note for forgetting to do his homework. But for right now, it’s quiet, and Louis is going to enjoy it.

Except, he can’t, because it’s not quiet, and it’s not the next morning. The clock shows it’s 2:57 in the morning. Harry is in the bathroom, but he’s talking. His voice is hushed, but he’s definitely on the phone with someone. Maybe he’s whispering because he knows Louis is sleeping, and wants to be courteous, but Louis’ gut tells him that isn’t the real reason. It can’t be just a friend at three in the morning.

“I can’t talk right now, but I’ll see you soon, okay? We’ll meet at Starbucks. Okay, yeah, see you,” Harry says softly, his voice sounding too fond to be just a chat with a coworker. Louis sits up and grabs his glasses and phone from the nightstand. He tries to look busy when Harry walks in.

“So, who was that?” Louis asks, bitterness evident in his voice.

“Oh, you’re up. Didn’t mean to wake you,” Harry says, looking startled, but he goes over and pecks Louis’ lips. “Just a friend from work. We’re meeting up for breakfast,” Harry shrugs, sitting on the bed next to Louis and rubbing his lower back. It’s more contact than they’ve had in longer than Louis would like to admit.

“What?” Louis asks, his voice shaky, as if he’s just been slapped. He looks over at Harry, his eyes already filling with tears. “You have enough time to eat breakfast on a Saturday and you’re not eating with your family? I don’t even think the kids know what you look like anymore.”

Breakfast is a luxury for Harry, it seems. It’s rare that he gets to spend mornings at home, especially weekend mornings, which is unfortunate. Weekend mornings used to be what the kids would look forward to, knowing Harry would be home and would make his infamous nutella stuffed pancakes with strawberries. Harry would plan out their mornings, doing a craft or going to the zoo or just spending time with them before going off for the night shift or working the next six days straight.

But before Joshua was born, there was a switch in Harry’s schedule, a promotion and a raise, which made mornings sparsely available. It was a rarity that he has any mornings off anymore, especially a weekend. Now, Harry is picking friends over his family, over his _children_ , and Louis won’t stand for that. Maybe Harry can ditch Louis on date nights, but he will not let him ditch their kids. Problem is, Louis knows this is more than a friend Harry is seeing, and that hurts even more.

“Don’t exaggerate, Lou,” Harry rolls his eyes. “I’m just meeting up with a friend. It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, it’s not a big deal? Not a big deal that our children miss you like crazy and are always asking when you’ll be around? Not a big deal that you’re ditching them for a _friend_? What about your family, Harry?! I think they would think it’s a big deal! I think they deserve more attention than this!”

“I’m doing this for you guys!” Harry shouts, his nostrils flaring in anger. Harry never used to get mad, not like this. “I’m too busy supporting all of you to have free time. You’ve got all the free time, since you don’t work.”

“What?” Louis almost whispers. Now, instead of a slap, it feels like a punch to the gut. “I can’t believe you just said that. I cannot believe you dare throw that in my face. I’ve had five kids, for you, and you always told me you wanted me to be a stay at home dad with them so we wouldn’t have to leave them with strangers. I had dreams, too, Harry. I went to university, I have a degree, I wanted a lot, but when I got pregnant with Lucas and found out you were going through with becoming a doctor, I gave all of that up for our family. I gave up my entire career for our family, and you? You’re picking a career over all of us. You know just as well as I do that finances are not an issue, so don’t you dare make it sound like that’s the case. You could retire tomorrow and we would be well off. You’re unbelievable.”

Louis gets off the bed and leaves the room as quickly as he can on his wobbly legs. He ends up on his knees in front of the toilet, throwing up his dinner. Stress tends to do this to him now. His stomach churns in agony whenever he gets upset and it always ends up pouring its contents out in protest.

“Daddy?” Gabriella asks softly and tentatively from the bathroom doorway, clutching her stuffed elephant in her arms. Harry brought a different stuffed animal into the hospital room after every birth, and they all have very sentimental meaning to the kids. Gabby got Peanut the Elephant, and loves him dearly.

Louis coughs and looks at her with watery eyes, throat burnings fiercely.

“What’s wrong, sweetie? Why aren’t you sleeping?” Louis asks with a ragged voice.

“I heard you and papa yelling,” she sniffs, and she’s obviously been crying. Louis’ heart aches. He never wanted this to happen to his kids. He never wanted to fight with Harry and have his children grow up in a hostile environment, and one of his worst fears is coming true.

“Oh, sweetheart, everything is okay. We just had a little fight,” Louis lies, standing up on shaky legs and rinsing his mouth out.

“Do you and papa still love each other?” she asks softly.

“Of course we do. It was just a fight, baby,” Louis answers softly, sitting on the floor and pulling her into a tight hug. “We’ll always love each other.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Louis kisses her forehead and stands up, picking her up off the ground and bringing her into the kitchen to make them warm milk with honey, his signature drink for nighttime sadness. He carries her back up to bed after they’ve each finished their milk, tucking her in and giving her tons of little kisses, just to show her how much he loves her.

After, he trudges up to the guest bedroom and buries his face into the pillow and lets out a few ugly sobs. He can’t shake the feeling that he made a promise to his daughter that he’s unsure he can keep.  
~  
_Silence is a source of great strength” – Lao Tzu_

Dropping four kids off at school with a baby tied in to the mix is too much for one parent to handle, so whenever Harry can, he’ll go with Louis to drop their kids off at school. Today, the two of them have errands to run. Louis was shocked that Harry offered to come on his day off, and even though he has such a strong feeling Harry is cheating, he can’t find it in himself to turn down the opportunity to spend time with his husband. They drop the baby off at Harry’s mum’s house, so it’s just the two of them, and the tension in the car is thick. Louis doesn’t know how to act around his own husband anymore.

The only noise in the car is the radio. Harry’s hands are tightly gripping the wheel and Louis’ nails are digging into his thighs. They used to touch, always, even holding hands in the car. Now, Louis can’t even recall the last time they even brushed arms by accident.

 _Before He Cheats_ by Carrie Underwood comes on the radio and Louis glances at Harry from the corner of his eye. He leans over and turns up the volume.

“I love this song,” Louis says easily, pretending he isn’t fazed by this, pretending their marriage isn’t falling apart. “I would do the same exact thing if you cheated on me, but I don’t think ruining the Rover would be enough punishment.”

Harry tries to laugh like it’s a joke, and if he wasn’t actually cheating, it would be one. But it’s so tense and uncomfortable, and that says it all for Louis. He doesn’t say anything about it, but starts to sing loudly instead.

_I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive  
Carved my name into his leather seats  
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires  
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats _

Harry stays silent, but his knuckles are going white from how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel. “What? You don’t like this song? It’s one of my favorites.”

“Not really a fan,” Harry shrugs tensely.

“Wonder why,” Louis mumbles, turning to face the window.

“Let’s just—Christ, change the station!” Harry growls.

“You’re getting pretty worked up over a silly song,” Louis notes.

“Fucking hell, Louis, I just don’t like the song, alright? Stop trying to pick fights all the time!” Harry shouts, slamming the inside of his hand on the steering wheel and changes the station quickly. Louis watches him carefully and swallows hard.

“Take me home.”

“We have things to do.”

“I don’t care. I’ll do it by myself. I don’t feel like putting up with a sixth child,” Louis says. Harry huffs in annoyance, shaking his head.

“Fine, go alone. I don’t care.”

“I know you don’t,” Louis says quietly, looking out the window once again so Harry doesn’t know the tears welling in his eyes. Harry changes the station, and their wedding song is playing, of course. Louis is taken back to that day, how incredible it was, how they danced together with everyone they loved around them. But during that dance, it was like they were the only two people in the world. They were so wrapped up in each other, like they always were. Louis isn’t sure when that stopped being the case.

 _Drowning_ by the Backstreet Boys starts to play, and Louis’ eyes instantly fill with tears. Everyone had laughed when they heard their choice, but it fit for Louis and Harry, and when they heard the lyrics, it made sense. The two of them absolutely loved boybands, no matter what shit people talked about them. Back in uni, they used to argue which band was better. Harry was all for *Nsync, and Louis was more partial to the Backstreet Boys, but this was one song they could agree was perfect, especially for the two of them. Louis had picked it out long before they were even engaged, back when they were just two college kids trying to get their lives in order.

_They kissed lazily on Harry’s cramped, twin-size bed in his shoebox of a dorm room. They were sweating and out of breath and finally together after a long week of midterm exams._

_“I made a playlist,” Harry murmured against Louis’ damp skin. “An after-sex playlist, if you will.”_

_Louis giggled and pressed his mouth to Harry’s again. “You did what now?”_

_“It’s perfect for our cuddle sessions afterwards, I promise. You know how much I love making playlists,” Harry grinned and brushed some hair off of Louis’ forehead, kissing his nose afterwards._

_“Let’s hear it, then.”_

_Harry reached over to his nightstand to grab his phone._ Drowning _started to play, and Louis giggled into Harry’s chest._

_“A Backstreet Boys song? I guess I’m finally a good influence on you.”_

_Harry laughed and started to sing softly in Louis’ ear. Louis closed his eyes and hummed happily, Harry’s chest vibrated steadily underneath his ear. When the song finished, Louis kissed Harry softly._

_“When we get married, that’s going to be the song we have our first dance to.”_

“I can’t believe you convinced me to pick a Backstreet Boys song for our wedding instead of *Nsync,” Harry says, smile breaking through. Louis can’t hold back his own grin.

“I guess we both knew that _Bye Bye Bye_ wouldn’t exactly be an appropriate wedding song,” Louis muses, and receives a true Harry laugh.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Harry shakes his head. It’s silent for a moment, before Harry reaches over to take Louis’ hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’m sorry I yelled. I don’t want you to go alone. I’ll be good, I promise.”

Louis sniffs. All he can think about is how Harry’s hand is in his for the first time in forever, and it feels both familiar and foreign.

“Okay.”

And that’s it.  
~  
_Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret” – Ambrose Bierce_

Louis knows Harry is cheating, but he hasn’t been able to figure out with whom. It drives him nuts; it makes him sick to his stomach, picturing who the other man could be. Hell, for all Louis knows, it could be a woman. Maybe Harry has changed and he suddenly wants a female lover instead. Louis doesn’t know which would be more devastating. He doesn’t find out whom Harry is seeing until New Year’s Eve, when it all comes to a head. It’s the single worst day of Louis’ life.

It’s been a hectic day. Louis has been up since the crack of dawn trying to get everything prepped for their New Year’s Eve celebration. All of their friends will be coming, with their spouses and kids, so he wants to be sure there will be enough food to go around. It’s not easy, especially since all the kids are home for the holiday break, and he’s trying to keep them entertained while actually getting work done for tonight.

“Daddy! Where is my maroon sweater? I can’t find it anywhere,” Sophia whines from her bedroom. Louis sighs, putting down the knife in his hand and wiping his hands on a dishtowel. He goes into their laundry room and grabs her maroon sweater from the drying rack, and before he even has a chance to turn around, Joshua is somewhere in the house crying. Louis himself feels like he could lock himself in here and cry for a while. Harry is at work, or at least, he says he is, so Louis is totally on his own until tonight. It’s been a long day.

Louis runs into the living room and picks Joshua up from the floor, calming him down instantly. “What is it, baby? What happened?”

“He hit himself with his toy,” Jake answers from the couch.

“Aw, my poor baby boy,” Louis coos, kissing the top of the toddler’s head. He grabs a tissue from the coffee table and cleans off Joshua’s face. “Come stay with daddy in the kitchen. Think it’s about time you had something to eat, too. You alright here, Jakey?”

“Yup,” he replies, coloring book on his lap. He’s quite the little artist, it seems.

“Sophia! I have your sweater in the living room!” Louis calls. “I’m going to be in the kitchen,” Louis tells Jake and leans down to press a kiss to his head.

Harry promised to be home early to help Louis out with prepping for their party, but one by one, their friends come over, filling the living room with no sign of Harry. By six o’clock, everyone is there but him. Louis is livid.

Thankfully, they have great friends, and they try to help out as much as they can. Louis can tell they feel the tension, but they know better than to ask what’s wrong with him.

In the living room, he’s putting out appetizers with help from Sophia and Gabby, but Joshua begins to fuss from hunger. He’s due for his dinner, so he heads back to the kitchen holding Joshua on his hip. Before he even has a chance to put Joshua in his highchair and settled with a bottle, he hears the front door open. Harry is home, but he’s talking to someone else. The other voice is completely unfamiliar to Louis. The atmosphere changes, and Louis knows something is wrong here. 

“Lou?” Harry calls into the kitchen.

“In here,” Louis calls back, but his voice doesn’t sound like his own. His stomach is clenching because he’s afraid of what he’s going to see when he turns around.

His heart sinks when he sees the attractive, young man next to Harry. There’s a strange man, in his house, and Louis knows this is the man who stole his husband. Why is he here? He shouldn’t be in Louis’ house, with Louis’ kids, with Louis’ _husband_. Everyone is here with their own families, as is their New Year’s tradition, and now Harry has the audacity to bring a stranger.

“Sorry I’m late,” Harry says, pressing a quick kiss to Louis’ cheek. It feels wrong, cold. “This is Nate, he works with me.”

“Oh. I see. Are you a doctor, then?” Louis asks, bouncing Joshua in his arms. He may have Harry, but he’ll never have Harry’s babies. He will never take that away from him.

“Um, no, I’m not. Just a nurse,” he smiles crookedly. Louis presses his lips in a firm line.

“Harry, what is he doing here? You didn’t tell me you were bringing a friend,” Louis says tightly, the word ‘friend’ slipping out harshly.

“The snow got really bad outside and it’s only going to get worse, they said. Nate had a flight back to New York, where he’s from, but it was delayed. I told him he could stay with us so he doesn’t have to spend the night at the airport,” Harry shrugs, as if it’s nothing. “He’ll catch a flight in the morning.”

“You could have at least called me. I’ve been cooking all day and I don’t know if it’s enough for everyone. You should have warned me we were going to have another person coming.”

“Why are you being so rude? It’s just one person. The least you could do is behave in front of a guest,” Harry rolls his eyes, and Louis feels embarrassed. Harry never talks to him like this, about ‘behaving’ for ‘guests’. Louis feels humiliated.

“Don’t start with me right now, Harry,” Louis says between gritted teeth. Jake walks into the room and latches himself onto Louis’ leg.

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” he pouts.

“Alright, honey. Dinner's almost ready, do you want a snack?” Louis asks, petting his hair, already turning away from Harry and Nathan and moving back into the kitchen.

*Harry*

“Wow, he’s lovely,” Nathan says sarcastically. “I can totally see why you’re married to him.”

“Don’t start, Nate,” Harry sighs. “Please. I just want to have a good new year.”

“Fine,” Nathan sighs dramatically and crosses his arms.

They go into the living room, which is filled with guests. Liam and Sophia are there with their three kids, Niall and Amy with their two, and Zayn and Perrie with their two kids.

“Hey, everyone,” Harry greets. “This is my friend Nate from work. He’ll be spending the night with us since his flight to New York got cancelled.”

It’s tense between the adults, but the kids greet him happily. This is the first time there’s been a complete stranger at their New Year’s party, and it’s awkward, to say the least.

Harry grabs Gabriella and puts her on his lap and kisses her forehead. “Hi, baby.”

“Hi, papa!” she says excitedly, throwing her arms around his neck. Harry isn’t sure the last time he’s gotten to properly cuddle his daughter. He’s the scum of the earth, he feels like.

“Louis’ still in the kitchen?” Zayn asks, dumbfounded. “He’s been in there all day. He’s not as social as he normally is. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, he’s been off lately, but he won’t tell us what’s wrong,” Liam chimes in, his two year old baby girl happily playing with his wedding band.

“I don’t know anything,” Harry shrugs. “He’s just been moody lately.”

“Don’t tell me he’s pregnant again,” Zayn says quickly, and Harry laughs sarcastically.

“No, trust me, that’s not even a possibility.”

“You haven’t…?” Liam asks, trailing off for the sake of the kids.

“Not since before Joshua was born,” Harry shrugs. “Guess we’ve just been too busy and all that.”

“It’s been over a year? That’s why he’s moody!” Niall shouts.

“Who’s moody?” Louis asks, walking in with Joshua on his hip and Jake’s hand in his.

“No one,” Zayn says quickly, glaring hard at Harry. Harry can read right through his expression, and he might as well be shouting _you’re the moody one, asshole. You’re the one that’s never home and letting Louis run the household and kids by himself and not giving Louis the respect he deserves.  
_  
Louis sits down on the couch opposite of Harry and fitting Joshua on his lap and allowing Jake to run off with the other kids.

“All the food is delicious, dad,” Lucas says. Louis smiles at him, and that smile shows just how much he loves their kids. It’s so obvious that their kids are the most important parts of Louis’ life, and he adores them with every fiber of his being. Harry wonders when Louis stopped looking at him like that.

“Sophia and Gabby actually helped me quite a lot, didn’t you, babes?” Louis grins at them.

“Yup!” Gabby says confidentially with a toothy smile.

“Food is delicious, girls. You did a lovely job,” Harry praises, but doesn’t say anything to Louis. It’s too tense between them right now, and he’s a coward.

“You all did great,” Liam pipes up. “Everything is amazing, Lou, really. We could have just gone out instead, though, instead of putting you through all this work.”

“Shut up,” Louis rolls his eyes fondly. “It’s a tradition. I love doing this and being around all the people I love.” Harry doesn’t know if he’s included as one of those people anymore.

“Can I try that?” Nathan asks Harry quietly, pointing to a freshly made biscuit, one of Louis’ famous recipes.

“Yeah,” Harry says, and feeding him a bite without thinking of their surroundings. He regrets it the second he does it, but he can’t turn back time, now.

“Excuse me,” Louis mutters quickly, handing Joshua to Liam and running out of the room.

*Louis*

Louis runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, falling to his knees and promptly getting sick in the toilet. His stomach twists uncomfortably again, weighing too heavily in his belly. When there’s a knock at the door, Louis desperately wants it to be Harry.

“Louis?” Liam asks. Not Harry. Of course. “Are you alright? ”

Louis doesn’t answer, just stares inside the toilet. Harry didn’t run after him, didn’t come to see how he is. He’s too busy feeding his new, young boyfriend. Louis stands up slowly, trying not to fall right back over. His legs don’t feel steady enough to hold his weight right now. He rinses out his mouth while leaning on the sink, and reluctantly opens the door. Liam, his absolute best friend since they were in diapers, is there waiting with open arms. Louis falls into them and begins to cry.

“Harry is cheating on me,” Louis sobs into his chest, not needing to be prompted. The dam has broken. All of his feelings are bubbling to the surface.

“What?” Liam asks, shocked. “What are you-“

“That guy,” Louis interrupts. “Nathan,” he spits. “That’s him. I know it.”

“Is everything okay?” Zayn walks over to them and places a hand on Louis’ upper back.

“Um, Louis said Harry is cheating on him, and I’m about two seconds from going downstairs and ripping his fucking face off,” Liam explains, trying to keep his voice calm.

“He’s _what_?” Zayn shouts. “How…what? How do you know? How can he do this?”

“I don’t know,” Louis shrugs helplessly, sniffling. “We haven’t been happy in so long. I don’t know what happened. He’s never home anymore. It’s just the kids and I. he’s always finding excuses to be anywhere but here. I keep finding love bites on him that I know I didn’t leave because we don’t…we haven’t even touched each other since Joshua was born. Now he brings that stupid nurse here, looking at him the way he used to look at me and--and my marriage is ruined.”

“This just…this doesn’t sound like Harry,” Zayn mutters, almost to himself. “Are you sure?”

Liam shoots a dark glare at Zayn for asking so many questions.

“I’m sure,” Louis whispers sadly. “He’s made it quite obvious. He doesn’t even want to be around me anymore.”

Neither of them replies, just rub his back and try to comfort him as much as they can. Harry never shows up.

Not long after, though, Joshua is crying from downstairs. Louis removes himself from his friends’ embrace and wipes his eyes. Louis is usually the only person who can calm Joshua down, especially since he barely knows Harry. Harry is never home, and when he is, he’s sleeping, so Joshua isn’t as used to Harry as he is to Louis, who’s his primary caregiver.

“I have to get him,” Louis sniffs.

“Alright,” Liam says quietly, fixing Louis’ hair for him. “C’mon, we’ll discuss this later. For now, let’s try to enjoy the night.”

Louis nods and they walk downstairs. Harry is holding a crying Joshua, and it looks like Harry is at a loss, like he’s never even held a baby before. It’s not like they have five kids or anything. Louis takes him out of Harry’s arms and he instantly begins to calm down.

“He’s just hungry.”

“You got it?” Harry asks.

“Yeah,” Louis mutters angrily, storming out of the room and trying not to cry. God forbid Harry actually feed his own child, what a concept that would be. But one look at Joshua’s now smiling face makes it a bit more bearable. It’s so easy to pull smiles from his happy baby, who obviously loves Louis so much. At least someone does.

*Harry*

“Why are you making Louis do everything?” Liam asks, obviously angry.

“I’m not,” Harry spits back. “I just had a long day at work.”

“Just because he doesn’t get paid doesn’t mean it’s not a job. He takes care of five kids every single day and you don’t even help him. He’s practically raising them alone,” Zayn retaliates. Lucas stands up suddenly and walks out of the room, obviously tired of the fighting.

*Louis*

“Dad?” Lucas asks, sitting down at the kitchen table with Louis and Joshua.

“Yeah, honey?” Louis asks, making a face at Joshua and giving him another spoonful of pasta.

“Are you okay?”

Louis looks at Lucas and gives him a weak smile. “Yeah, I’m okay, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me.”

“I know you’re lying,” Lucas says with a sigh. “Don’t you think I’m old enough that you don’t have to lie to me anymore?”

“Luke,” Louis says softly. “Things aren’t great right now, but we’re going to get through it as a family, like we always do. Everything is going to be fine.”

“How can we do that if pop is never even home?” Lucas asks, his voice lower than normal, filled with anger and frustration, broken. Louis swallows hard and looks back at the baby.

“Papa’s just been busy,” Louis says quietly.

“You’re lying again, dad!” Lucas groans. “I told you, I’m old enough now that you don’t have to lie to me. I know that nothing is okay right now and I just want it to go back to the way it was. You’re so sad all the time and pop is never around anymore and…I know you’re trying so hard, but it scares me. You don’t have time to care about yourself and you deserve to. It isn’t fair,” his voice wavers. Louis feels his chest tighten.

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this,” Louis whispers. “I never wanted this to become your problem. But I’m going to figure this out, okay? I promise, we’re going to get through this. I’m going to make sure of it. I love you so much, Luke, I love all of you and I’m so proud of you, you have no idea.”

“I love you, dad,” Luke says quietly, his eyes shiny with tears.

“Come here,” Louis sniffs, fighting back his own tears. They stand up and embrace in a tight hug.

“I’m always going to love you, dad. You’re the best dad in the world, I mean it,” Luke says. Louis can’t even response, his throat constricted with emotion. Louis pushes Lucas’s hair back and kisses his forehead. He looks too much like Harry, with bright green eyes, his pouty lips. Louis only shows in his straight, lighter hair.

“Go back into the living room, honey. I’ll be there in a little while once I finish feeding Josh.”

“I can feed him for you,” Lucas offers.

“You don’t have to do that, baby. That’s okay. I’ve got it,” Louis says with a smile.

“No, dad, I’ve got it. You should go have fun. You never get to have any fun anymore. Go enjoy it,” Lucas says, taking the bowl and spoon. Louis almost cries again.

“Thank you, honey,” Louis says softly, kissing his cheek. “And stop growing, you’re already taller than me. No more vegetables, yeah?”

Lucas laughs and sits down at the table. “Got it.”

Louis walks back into the living room and sits down between Jake and Gabriella.

“Done already?” Harry asks.

“No, but Luke is feeding him for me,” Louis says proudly.

The night goes by slowly, and Louis can’t even look at Harry. He decides he’s done with this, and he’s going to face him in the morning, away from all the kids and company. It’s not fair to Louis, and it’s not fair to put their kids through this. They have to watch their parents fight all the time, and it’s not okay. Louis doesn’t know if they should look into therapy, or if they’re beyond any hope. He still loves Harry more than he can put into words, and they just have to work on their marriage and get back to a healthy relationship.

Lucas puts Joshua to bed for Louis, and he’s so fucking proud of his kids and how incredible they are. He knows he’s raised them right. Unlike Harry, they see that Louis needs the help. He can’t do this alone anymore.

*Harry*

When it nears midnight, everyone is quietly counting down the numbers so they don’t wake any of the sleeping babies. When they all say happy New Year, they all turn to their loved ones for a kiss. Harry automatically begins to turn for Louis, but before he can stop it, Nathan is pulling him into a kiss way too hot to be just a New Year’s kiss at a family party.

“Oh my god,” Harry hears Louis say from beside him. His heart sinks at how small he sounds. He pulls away as quickly as he can, glancing at Louis with wide, pleading eyes.

“I swear to god,” Liam growls, going to lunge for him, but Louis holds him back, shaking his head.

“No,” Louis croaks, his voice unfamiliar. “If anyone is going to hit him, it’s going to be me. Kids, go to your rooms.”

Lucas and Sophia obediently take the other kids upstairs. Louis is breathing heavily, and it reminds Louis of when he gets mad at the kids and tries to calm himself down so he won’t yell. Harry thinks he’s messed up a bit more than just spilling juice on the carpet. The kids clear out, and the room is utterly silent for a long moment.

“You fucking bastard!” Louis screams, running for Harry and pounding on his chest. Harry stays silent, allowing Louis to hit him. He knows he deserves this and so much more. “After everything I’ve done for you! Five fucking kids wasn’t enough?! Loving you even when you’re never there for me?! I’ve been here for you for twenty years, and you run off to find another man?! Fuck you, Harry!” Louis is screaming and weeping all at once, slamming his fists into Harry’s chest. The whole scene is heartbreaking. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

“Louis, I think you need to get some rest,” Niall says softly.

“I want you gone! I want you out of my house!” Louis screams brokenly.

“C’mon, we can go back to my place,” Nathan says, tugging on Harry’s arm. Louis is three seconds from lunging and beating him half to death.

“Yeah, go ahead, Harry. Why don’t you go stay with your boyfriend? Sounds like a good idea, since you’re certainly no longer welcome here.”

“No,” Harry says weakly. “I’m not going to run out. I didn’t want you to find out like this, Louis, I’m sorry.”

Louis laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “Don’t you ever say that to me again. You're not sorry, you never will be. If you were sorry, you never would have done this in the first place. And oh, you didn’t want me to find out this way? How exactly did you want me to find out, then? Were you planning on throwing me a surprise party to make this announcement? Maybe even write a cute little poem? That would have been rich.”

“Louis, please,” Harry pleads, but Louis doesn’t let him speak.

“Oh, and you!” Louis turns his attention to Nathan. “You’re going to stand here and act like you didn’t just ruin a marriage, a _family_. I’m sure there’s a special place in hell for you. You live for this kind of shit, don’t you? You sick fucking bastard. You can take him for all I care! You two deserve each other!”

“Louis-“

“I do have a question, though. How long has this been going on? How long have you been going behind my back with your little affair? Couple of weeks? Couple of months? Please, enlighten me.”

“Almost a year,” Harry chokes out. Louis swallows a breath and nods once.

“Right after Joshua was born, then. Nice. Good. Perfect. I was here struggling with a newborn baby and a husband that was never around while you were fucking another man. You’re not sorry, Harry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever fell in love with someone so selfish.”

With that, he storms upstairs to his room and slams the door, locking it behind him.

“I think it’s about time you left,” Zayn says to Nathan. “You have no right to be here.”

“Harry? Are you coming with me?” Nathan asks, completely ignoring Zayn.

“No, but I think we need to talk,” Harry says, walking away from all the prying eyes and into the empty kitchen. “Why did you do that? Why did you kiss me in front of my fucking husband? In front of my _kids_?! How could you do that?”

“Well, you kept saying you wouldn’t leave him, even after I asked you so many times. If you really loved me, you would have left him, so I had to take matters into my own hands. Now he left you, so I get you all to myself,” Nathan smiles and slithers his arms around Harry’s waist, but Harry pushes him off.

“Are you crazy?!” Harry shouts angrily. “Louis was right, you’re sick! I thought I loved you, but…I really don’t. Not after this stunt. I can’t love you the way I love Louis, and there’s no way I would have ever left him for anyone. He’s my soulmate, and you ruined my marriage.”

“No, Harry, _you_ ruined your marriage. No one forced you to get involved with me, especially for as long as you did. Don’t blame me when you’re the one who fucked it up,” Nathan says harshly.

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that. So I’m going to try and make this right by ending this relationship.”

Nathan laughs coldly. “Yeah, I figured. Well, I’ll tell you right now that when he files for divorce and puts the last nail in the coffin of your marriage, don’t come crawling back to me, because I won’t be waiting for you.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Harry says, though he might be right about Louis filing for divorce. He wouldn’t be surprised if Louis was googling divorce lawyers as they speak. “But I have to at least try to make this work. I’m sorry.”

“You should really stop saying that,” Nathan rolls his eyes. “Louis didn’t believe you, and I don’t believe you, either. You’ve royally fucked up.”

“I know,” Harry nods solemnly. “But I won’t give up without a fight.”

“Fuck you, Harry,” Nathan shakes his head and exits the house. Harry sighs and leans against the counter. He isn’t sure how he got himself into this fucked up situation. If you would have told him when he first started dating Louis that he would have a nearly year-long affair with his nurse, he would have laughed in your face. Hell, if you told him last year he would have never believed it. Now, somehow, he’s ruined his life. He’s broken the heart of the one person he promised to always love and cherish.

Harry walks back into the living room and the room falls awkwardly silent.

“So, what was that about?” Liam asks coldly.

“I broke up with him. He wanted to break Louis and I up thinking that I would pick him over Louis, but I told him that would never happen.”

“Oh, how kind of you,” Sophia spits venomously. “Breaking it off with your boyfriend after your husband finds out. Very generous.”

“I’m trying. I don’t want this to ruin our marriage and I’m going to try to fix it, goddamnit,” Harry sighs angrily. He knows he fucked up and doesn’t need his friends making him feel worse about the whole thing.

“And how do you plan to do that?” Perrie crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow at Harry.

“I don’t know yet, okay? I just know I have to try. I think you guys should go.”

“So you can hurt Louis some more?” Sophia asks.

“No, so I can check on my kids and talk to Louis alone,” Harry tries not to grind his teeth.

“We should give them privacy,” Niall speaks up, and Harry is so grateful for him right now.

“I’ll go get the kids,” Liam says to Sophia, and they all get up to retrieve their children. Harry sits on the couch and puts his head in his hands, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. He really has no idea how he’s going to fix this, doesn’t even know where to begin, but he can’t lose Louis, not over something this stupid. Harry was an idiot, has been for longer than he would like to admit, but he’s always loved Louis and always will. He can’t let their marriage crumble.

Everyone leaves shortly after, saying nothing to Harry, except Liam. Liam grips his bicep and growls in his ear, “Hurt him again, and I’ll fuck you up.” Harry replies with “I know”.

Harry goes upstairs to check on the kids. They all left so abruptly that he wanted to talk to them and make sure they weren’t forgotten about. He peeks into Joshua’s room first, and he’s still sleeping peacefully, like their whole screaming match never even happened. Harry’s heart weighs heavily in his chest, because Louis always compares Joshua to Harry. They were blessed with having such a heavy sleeper from the day they brought him home from the hospital. Louis used to have to drag Harry out of bed every morning for class in uni, and once they were married and had kids, Louis had to give him a good punch to get him to wake up when it was his turn. _You could sleep through a hurricane, babe, I swear_ , Louis would always say fondly.

Harry shakes his head and gives one last look to his toddler before moving for Jake’s room. He peeks through the open door to find him and Lucas laying in his bed, Jake crying as Lucas speaks to him softly. Harry stays hidden behind the door, straining to hear their conversation.

“Do daddy and papa hate each other?” Jake sniffs, hugging his stuffed tiger like a lifeline. That was the stuffed animal Harry brought to him the day he was born, sleeping on Louis’ chest. He was a fierce little thing from the day he was conceived, it felt like, and Harry thought it was an appropriate animal. 

“No, they don’t,” Lucas responses softly. “You know how sometimes Sophia and I fight?” Jake nods and sniffs again. “It’s kind of like that, but we still love each other. Sometimes we fight with people we love.”

“But why did papa kiss that man and not daddy?” Jake asks like he’s been betrayed. “He’s only supposed to kiss daddy.”

Harry’s heart shatters. Lucas stays quiet for a moment and shakes his head. “I don’t really know why he did.”

“Is papa going to have to leave?” Jake asks softly.

“I don’t know. Maybe, but he’ll still love us, and so will daddy,” Lucas tells him and sounds very sure of himself. Harry is grateful for it.

“Are they going to keep yelling at each other? I don’t like when they do.”

“I don’t know, Jake. C’mon, you have to get to sleep.”

“Okay,” Jake sighs, as if it’s the last thing he wants to do. Lucas tucks him in and kisses his forehead and Harry feels like falling to his knees and crying. Lucas is already a better father at fifteen years old than Harry has been in a while. He can’t find the strength to show himself to them, too ashamed of his actions, so he goes to Gabriella’s room.

Sophia and Gabriella are curled up under the covers, Sophia reading her a book. Gabriella hasn’t wanted a story before bed in so long, preferring to read herself a book, but he guesses all the fighting and screaming calls for some calm reading to get her to sleep. Harry is a coward, though, because he doesn’t go into that bedroom, either.

Finally, he heads to his and Louis’ bedroom. He finds the door cracked open, and he assumes that it’s for the kids’ benefit. He listens for any noise, and he hears little heartbreaking sniffs and shuddering breaths. All he wants to do is go in there and wrap his arms around him and apologize profusely, but Louis hates him, and Harry still can’t figure out how he could ever cheat on Louis. There’s a burning desire to throw himself down the stairs because he barely knows anything that’s going on anymore and he’s ruining his entire family, not just his relationship with Louis.

Instead of throwing himself down the stairs, though, he walks down them to clean up the large mess left by their company. Cleaning won’t win Louis over, but it’s a start, at the least. Louis will be pleasantly surprised when he wakes up and finds everything in good shape. Once everything looks spotless, Harry lies on the couch and throws a blanket over his legs. He knows Louis wants him out of the house, but he has nowhere to go. His mum’s house is over an hour away and all of his friends hate him, so he doesn’t really have the choice right now.

They do still own the first flat they lived in, but it’s currently occupied by a newlywed couple renting it out. But Harry has a feeling he’s going to have to call them and ask them politely to leave so he can move himself in, and out of Louis’ life. He doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t blame Louis for hating him, and he really doubts he wants him to stay in the house right now. He’s going to have to face Louis at some point today, so he’ll deal with it later. Tomorrow.

Harry stares up at the ceiling and waits for sleep to come, but it never does. He’s too anxious and guilty to even close his eyes for too long. He has this irrational fear that Louis will come downstairs and stab him in the chest, but that’s obviously not going to happen, or at least, not with the kids still in the house. For he doesn’t know how long, he wonders if Louis still loves him or not. If the roles were reversed, Harry would be ruined. He genuinely can’t think about what it would be like if Louis cheated on him, but it’s a fear he never has to have, because he knows Louis would never do something so stupid. He has no idea why he did this to them.  
~  
In the morning, the sun is barely cracking through the windows, but Harry can’t stand to lie there anymore, so he gets up and starts breakfast. He hasn’t made breakfast in months, and he’s sure the kids miss his famous chocolate chip pancakes with a smidge of nutella hidden inside and topped with strawberries. Louis doesn’t even bother attempting it, because it’s Harry’s thing, and he lets him take the reigns on it. It was, admittedly, the first thing Harry ever made for Louis.

After getting the batter ready, he checks the clock. It’s only six, meaning the house should be quiet for at least another few hours. Harry is already losing his mind. He’s got nothing to do for at least two hours, when Joshua is due to wake up. He can’t make the pancakes now, or else they’ll turn cold, and Louis and the kids will only be more disappointed with him.

Eventually, he grabs his keys and goes to the grocery store to pick up food to make a light lunch and a big, fancy roast for dinner. He’s got the day off, anyway, so instead of lying to go spend the day with Nathan, he’s going to spend it with his family and try to make things right, no matter how long it takes.

When he gets back home, it’s still quiet in the house, so he puts everything away and busies himself with whatever he can. Finally, around 7:30, Joshua starts to cry, so he rushes up to his room and picks him up before he can wake Louis up.

“Hi, baby,” Harry murmurs and kisses his forehead. He bounces him on his hip and strokes the fine hairs on his head. “Happy New Year, sweetheart. You must be hungry, yeah? Let’s find you some breakfast.” His voice is soft and Joshua calms down, resting his head on Harry’s shoulder and sighs. When Harry walks out of his room to go back downstairs, Louis is standing there wearing one of Harry’s university hoodies. His eyes are red and puffy, and he’s got the hood pulled over his messy hair. He’s staring at Harry like a deer in headlights.

“Hey, good morning. I was just making breakfast and I heard him cry. I got him though, so you can go back to bed for a little while if you’d like.”

Louis crosses his arms over his chest and watches Harry for a moment. Harry feels so exposed. He doesn’t know what Louis wants.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks, voice wrecked and raw. Harry used to love the sound of that, after a long night with his husband and Louis could barely talk or walk. It was a sign that Harry had done well.

“What?” Harry furrows his eyebrows.

“I distinctly remember asking you to get out of my house.”

“I—I didn’t have anywhere to go, Louis,” Harry stutters. “I just figured you were upset.”

“Oh, did you? Thought I might be upset after finding out you’ve been sleeping with someone else for a year? How could I be upset about that?”

“I made pancakes,” Harry says weakly. “And I cleaned up last night’s mess.”

“Oh, pancakes and a clean house, that makes up for you cheating!” Louis says sarcastically.

“That’s…that’s not what I meant,” Harry struggles to find a coherent thought.

“I just want you to leave, Harry. Please. I need to be alone and think.”

“But it’s New Year’s, where am I going to go?”

“You can drive up to Cheshire and spend some quality time with your mum and Robin and explain to them why you did such a stupid, idiotic thing that got you kicked out of your house on New Year’s.”

Before Harry even has time to open his mouth, Louis is storming back to his room. Harry doesn’t even know what to do, but Joshua is hungry, and damn it if he’s going to ruin another relationship with another child. He won’t allow it. So, he takes Joshua downstairs into the kitchen. He puts him into the highchair and cuts up a banana with a small bowl of dry cheerios. Joshua seems thrilled with his, his fingers and face sticky and he can’t seem to stop giggling. Well, for right now, Joshua doesn’t hate him, and that’s a win.

The kids come down not much longer, Louis trailing behind them with Jake tucked in his arms. Harry gives them all a small smile, but it’s not returned.

“Happy New Year.”

“Here, baby, go eat,” Louis says quietly to Jake, putting him down. The kids all sit around the table and dig into the food while Louis grips Harry’s bicep, nails digging in, and dragging him to the corner of the room.

“I asked you to leave. Twice. And you’re still here. Can you see why I’m angry?” Louis seethes.

“It’s New Year's, Lou. I want to spend it with my kids.”

“I didn’t know it had to be a national holiday for you to want to spend time with them. It’s obvious you haven’t been to invested in them for the past year, since you were far more interested in your _boyfriend_. If you loved me like you claim you do, you would respect my wishes and get the hell out of my house.”

“Louis, please, don’t do this. Don’t throw away over twenty years over my stupid mistake,” Harry begs, close to tears now. He looks at the hoodie Louis is wearing, _Harry’s_ hoodie, and there’s still the large red wine stain on the sleeve from nearly two decades ago. Back in uni, when they first got together, they shared a bottle over dinner, Louis got giggly and flirty and handsy, and spilled his glass all over Harry’s lap and the sleeve of the hand that was resting in his lap. The stain never came out, but they both loved it too much to toss it out. It holds a good memory from them. Harry just hopes he gets the chance to make more good memories with him.

“It was a giant mistake, Harry! I can’t just forgive you! It isn’t that simple! This wasn’t a one time event, this was an entire year! I need time to myself to think about what the hell I’m supposed to do. I don’t even think we can stay married. I can’t handle this!”

“Stop, Louis, _no_. You don’t mean that.”

“I do, though,” Louis crosses his arms over his chest and it’s obvious he might cry, too. “What would you do? What would you do if you found out I was getting fucked by another man for a year?”

Harry aches at the thought. It angers him to no end to think of someone else’s hands on Louis’ body. So, he can understand where Louis is coming from, but he can’t let this ruin what they have. He can’t let this be what ends them. He can’t live a life without Louis in it.

“I don’t know,” Harry whispers, looking down at his feet.

“You’d want to kill me and the man I was with,” Louis says. “And you know how I know that? Because that’s how I feel about this whole situation. I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on from this. I don’t think there is a way to move on from this.”

“Don’t I get a chance to explain myself?” Harry asks, and even he knows that’s a stupid question, but he’s running out of things to say, and he doesn’t want Louis to throw him out. He isn’t done fighting for Louis. He never will be.

“Do you honestly think you’ve earned the right to explain?” Louis snaps.

“No,” Harry looks down at his feet. “I suppose I don’t.”

“I just,” Louis sighs, staring at his bare feet on the cold tile floor. “I don’t know what we’re going to do about this. It isn’t like it’s just us anymore, we have five kids and everything we have, we share. I don’t know how any of this would go, and I don’t know what our best choice is right now. I need time to think it over and figure out a plan.”

Harry is fairly certain he may be on the verge of a heart attack, like death is around the corner. He can’t handle this. “Baby, please, don’t do this to us. We can make this work, I promise. This was me being stupid. I was stupid, but I’m ready to fix it. Please.”

“I can’t trust you anymore, Harry. This wasn’t a one time drunk thing. This was a _year_ of going behind my back and letting me suffer. I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the person I married.”

“I am, baby, I am. I’m still me.”

“No, you’re not. Because the person I married would have never hurt me like this,” Louis sobs.

“Baby, please,” Harry continues to beg. He’s about two seconds away from getting on his knees and groveling. “I fucked up so bad, but if you could just give me a second chance, I’ll never ask for another. Don’t throw away twenty amazing years because of what I did. I love you, and I love our kids, and this is where I want to be. Don’t make me leave, I want to make this better. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything you ask of me. I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Please leave,” Louis sniffs, wiping his eyes. “Please. Don’t make me ask again.”

“Okay,” Harry whispers after a long moment. “Can I say goodbye to the kids, at least?”

“Yes, because I don’t know the next time they’ll see you,” Louis murmurs. The idea of not being able to see his kids is heartbreaking, but he knows he’s been a lousy father, and he probably deserves this punishment.

Harry drags his feet over to the kitchen table and the kids fall silent. It’s obvious it’s uncomfortable between the older kids, but Jake and Joshua are happily oblivious, and Gabby is indifferent for right now.

“Listen, guys,” Harry clears his throat. He won’t cry in front of them. “Papa is going to go away for a little while. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I promise to come visit you all soon.”

“Where are you going?” Jake asks sadly. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I know, baby,” Harry sighs, running his hand through Jake’s hair. “But I’m just going to go stay with Grandma for a little while, that’s all.”

“Why?” he asks stubbornly. He’s just like Louis, in that respect. The stubborn trait is all Louis.

“Because Papa did a bad thing,” Harry admits quietly. “But I love you all so much, okay? And I’ll come visit soon.”

Harry takes his time going around the table and saying his goodbyes to his kids, trying to savor it, because he truly doesn’t know the next time he’ll get to see them. Sophia reluctantly lets Harry kiss her cheek, but doesn’t say anything to him, and Lucas gets up from the table and walks out of the kitchen before Harry can even make it over to him. Harry definitely has more than one relationship to fix.

Louis walks him to the door and lowers his voice so the kids don’t overhear. “You can come get your stuff after the kids go back to school after their holiday.”

“Okay. Um, I might use our old flat to stay in.”

“We have renters in there.”

“I know, but what else can I do?” Harry sighs. “Their rent is up for renewal though, and I’ll explain to them that something came up and we can’t let them renew. I’ll handle it.”

“Fine.”

“So, um, you’ll let me know about when I can see the kids?”

“Yes. I’ll text you when I’m ready.”

“Alright. Thanks. So, I’ll, um. I’ll see you.”

“Mhm.”

“Bye, Lou.”

Louis closes the door in his face.  
~  
Harry is greeted by his mother with a smack to the back of his head. “Idiot! You did what?!”

“Mum,” Harry whines like a child, his eyes trained on the ground and kicking his feet on the welcome mat. “Please, can I just stay here for a few days? I know I fucked up, and I don’t know what else to do.”

Anne sighs heavily and opens the front door fully. “Come in. I’m not going to kick my own son out on New Year's, but don’t think you’re off the hook.”

“I know,” Harry sighs, not quite able to make eye contact with his mother yet. He’s ashamed of himself and his actions, and Anne raised him better than this. Harry knew better than this, and yet.

Harry enters the warm house, shrugging off his coat and putting his bags down by the front door. He follows Anne into the kitchen, who puts the kettle on for the two of them, grabbing the tea and mugs needed.

“Is Robin home?”

“No, he’s away on business for a few days. He’ll be home tomorrow.”

“Ah,” Harry nods. He pulls out his phone to see a swarm of messages from Nathan, some full of rage, some begging and pleading. Harry locks his phone and puts it back in his pocket. He’ll have to block his number when he gets the chance. This can’t continue on like this. Louis finding out was like ice water being poured over his head and he’s finally woken up from this past year, as if he was completely oblivious to what was happening around him.

When Anne sits down, she pushes Harry’s cup of tea in front of him. She takes her own in her hands and begins to speak. “So. We should talk about what happened.”

“I guess I don’t have much of a choice in the matter,” Harry mutters, tapping his fingers on his mug.

“What made you cheat? I thought everything with Louis was great. It’s been twenty years. Why now? What went wrong?” Anne asks, looking heartbroken. Anne loves Louis like her own son, Harry knows that much. She adores Louis, and when Louis’ mum passed away when he was only 25, Anne became a true mother figure for him. No one could replace Jay, but it was nice to have Anne in his life as a mum, anyway.

“I just got selfish,” Harry admits sheepishly. “Louis and I…we didn’t get a lot of time to ourselves. With five kids, you can imagine it isn’t easy to get any “us” time. It put a strain on our relationship, especially once Josh was born. I just think it became more about the kids and less about Louis and I, and when Nathan came on to me, I didn’t know how to say no to it. I guess I got lonely and desperate for affection from another male adult. I missed being a husband and not just a father.”

“You know, Harry, I don’t think that’s a fair excuse for cheating on your husband. Louis is the one at home with those kids every day, never getting a break from being a father. You have a life outside of the house, you have a career. Louis’ whole life is that house and those kids. If someone isn’t feeling like a husband, it’s him. Especially after giving birth to a baby. He’s so used to being a father and it’s what he’s been doing for fifteen years. It’s up to you to help him feel like a husband again, instead of just a father. But now, I’m sure he just feels like a failure of a husband.”

“I didn’t come here for you to make me feel more guilty than I already feel,” Harry snaps, but instantly feels bad about it. “I’m sorry, mum. I know you’re right. But it’s too late now; it’s all said and done. Now it’s all about fixing it, and I don’t know how to do that.”

“Well, it certainly won’t be easy,” Anne sips her tea. “You have a lot to make up for. But, first and foremost, he’s going to need space. Don’t push him, because he’s going to need time to himself and time to think about everything that happened. You can’t rush that process. You allowed yourself to explore a story where he wasn’t the main character, and he might want that same thing.”

“I don’t want that, though,” Harry nearly whimpers. He feels his eyes fill with tears and he squeezes them shut. “I want him to be my main character again. I want him to be my husband again. I want him to be the only person I love.”

“You fell in love?” Anne asks, as if she’d been slapped. Harry is leaving hurt wherever he goes, letting it trail behind him like a dark cloud.

“Yes,” Harry says quietly, ashamed of himself. “Nothing like what I had with Louis, not even close, but love, nonetheless. I don’t know how, it just happened.”

Anne shakes her head and sighs. “I wish I knew what to say, but I’m at a loss. I truly don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t think there’s anything to say, mum,” Harry sighs. “I’ve been beating myself up for it since it started, and now that it’s all bubbled to the surface, I absolutely hate myself. I’ve fucked it all up and I don’t know the first clue how to fix it.”

“Well, there isn’t any protocol for this, I’m afraid. Like I said, start off with giving Louis the time and space he deserves, and let him guide you from there. You don’t have control over this. The ball is now in his court, and you have to let him do what he feels is best. It’s all up to Louis, now.”

“What if he wants a divorce?” Harry is crying now. He looks up at his mother with tears staining his cheeks.

Anne reaches across the table to hold one of Harry’s hands. “We’ll cross that bridge if we get there.”

Harry knows she isn’t giving a straight answer because she knows that divorce is a very real possibility right now. Even Harry knows it. He would rather pretend that Louis would never leave him. But, once upon a time, Harry would have never cheated. Things change, people change. He doesn’t know what could happen.

“Right. I think I’m going to go for a run or something, clear my head.”

“Good idea,” Anne says. “Wear a hat, it’s cold.”

It’s a good thing mums are forced to have unconditional love for their kids, because Harry isn’t sure if there’s anyone else who loves him right now.  
~  
_Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude” - Martin Luther King Jr._

Harry rings the doorbell, holding the leash tightly in his hand. The Pomeranian puppy is wagging her tail excitedly. It’s been an entire week since Harry has last been to the house, a week without talking to Louis, a week without seeing his kids. Seven entire days without them. He can’t handle the separation any longer, so he’s here, with a dog, hoping to see his family and spend some time with them. 

Lucas answers the door, and his face is void of emotion when he notices Harry. Before either of them can say anything, the dog pounces at Lucas’ leg and paws at him.

“Oh! Hi, puppy!” Lucas says excitedly, kneeling down to pet her. “Whose puppy is this?”

“Yours,” Harry smiles. “I went to the shelter, and she needed to be adopted, and I figured this would be a great home for her. She’s got plenty of people to love her here.”

“Does she have a name?”

“Not yet, no.”

“Gabby is going to flip! She’s always wanted a puppy,” Lucas grins, and it feels like nothing has changed. For that moment, Harry’s life is still perfect, his husband and kids still love him, and he’s still happy.

That bubble bursts when Louis walks over holding Joshua on his hip.

“What is this?”

“Hi,” Harry tries to smile, but Louis isn’t smiling. He looks mad. This is apparently the only emotion Harry is capable of making Louis feel. “It’s a puppy. I got her from the shelter. I know the kids were always asking for a dog, so I figured I would get them one. I…also wanted to come visit. It’s been almost a week.”

“Lucas, please go into the living room with Joshua,” Louis asks quietly, handing over the baby. Lucas looks visibly uncomfortable, but listens to Louis and takes the baby, walking into the living room.

Louis looks at Harry and crosses his arms over his chest. “I cannot believe you. You’re really unbelievable, you know that?”

“What?” Harry’s face falls. Honestly, Harry thought he’d love a dog. He was not expecting Louis to be angry about it.

“Don’t you think something as major as bringing a dog into my house should have been something you talked to me about? I don’t want a dog. You know why? Because I’ll be the one stuck taking care of it. The kids won’t do it, and you don’t live here, so all the responsibility is going to fall on my shoulders, as usual. Having a dog is like having another kid, and the last thing I want is another one of your kids.”

The words sting. He could have said “another kid”, but he said another one of _Harry’s_ kids. It’s a personal dig, and it hurts.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to give the kids something they wanted. I didn’t think-“

“Yeah, you didn’t think,” Louis snaps. “You know, for a doctor, you don’t think much at all lately, it seems.”

“I just…I wanted to see my kids, Louis.”

“Well you certainly didn’t have to bring a fucking animal with you to do that, did you?” Louis snaps. “I’m certainly not going to be the one that has to break their heart by telling them we can’t keep her, so you’re going to do it. I have to break their hearts every day by telling them papa isn’t coming home, and that’s on you. So, go in there, and break their hearts. I’m done doing that.”

Louis walks away, and Harry groans. He keeps fucking this up more and more and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s so tired of disappointing his kids, disappointing Louis, but no matter what he does, he continues to disappoint them. After gathering up the courage, he steps into the house holding the active puppy and following the voices of his children. They’re all around the coffee table, board game laid out, all of them giggling and laughing and clearly having a great time. Normally, Lucas and Sophia wouldn’t want to be part of this, would say they’re too old, but it’s obvious that now that Harry is gone, they’re trying to make up for it. They’re trying to keep the atmosphere of the house happy for the little ones, and Harry is so grateful that they can do this. Joshua is obviously too young, but sits on the floor giggling along anyway, his own toys splayed out in front of him.

“Hey, guys,” Harry greets quietly. They all look at him, and their faces light up when they see the puppy, so Harry speaks before they can get too excited over it. “Um, this is my new dog. I just wanted to introduce you to her, and I wanted you to give her a name. I couldn’t think of anything good.”

Since he’s already saved this little pup from the pound, he can’t very well take her back and let her suffer. His apartment is lonely, anyway. He could use the company.

“We should name her Lady, like _Lady and the Tramp_!” Gabby says excitedly.

“I like that name,” Harry agrees.

“That’s a great suggestion, love,” Louis smiles at her. “We love that movie.”

“I do, too,” Harry murmurs and gives Louis a fond look. The two of them, back in their uni days, would spend rainy weekends in a tiny dorm bed and watching Disney movies. Actually, watch might be a strong word, since more often than not, it turned into kissing, which turned into sex. Sometimes, he wishes they could hit the rewind button, go back to those days before everything got complicated. They were always so good together, and Harry isn’t sure when that stopped.

Louis doesn’t return his look.

“Is she going to stay with us?” Sophia asks.

“No, I’m sorry, honey, she’s going to stay at my house, but you can always visit her, if daddy says that’s okay.”

“Yeah, of course you can visit her,” Louis tells them. “She’s very cute.”

“Yeah, she is,” Harry smiles at the dog and pets between her ears. “She’s had a rough life so far, so we have to make sure to love her a lot and take good care of her.”

“Are you going to be able to handle that?” Lucas challenges. Harry knows it’s a dig.

“Lucas,” Louis warns gently.

“I’m going to do my very best,” Harry assures him.

*Louis*

_“When I’m fighting with you, I’m really fighting for us. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t bother”-Anonymous_

Louis opened the door at the sound of the doorbell a week later, expecting it to be the Thai food he had ordered for himself and the kids. However, when he saw the person on the other side, he had to fight the urge to slam the door shut.

Harry. Harry with a guitar. No good could come of this. None whatsoever. Before Louis has a chance to get any words out of his mouth, Harry begins to strum the guitar strings and sing.  
_  
Everybody knows that I was such a fool to ever let go of you  
But baby I was wrong  
And yeah I know I said, we’d be better off alone, it was time that we moved on  
I know I broke your heart, I didn’t mean to break your heart…. _

Backstreet Boys. Harry is singing Backstreet Boys outside of his door. What a clever bastard. After always defending *Nsync, he’s here singing Backstreet Boys instead. Harry knows damn well that Louis has always preferred Backstreet Boys, and now he’s using it to his advantage.  
_  
But baby, here I am, banging on your front door  
my pride spilled on the floor  
my hands and knees are bruised  
and I’m crawling back to you  
begging for a second chance  
are you gonna let me in?  
I was running from the truth  
and now I’m crawling back to you _

Louis is about to close the door in his face, but Harry moves a step closer and sings a little louder.  
_  
I know you’re in there  
you can make me wait, but I’m not going away  
it’s the least that I can do  
just to tell you face to face  
I was lying to myself  
now I’m dying in this hell  
Lou, I know you’re mad, and I can’t blame you for being mad… _

Louis tears up, because he’s weak and he misses Harry and he loves him and he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop. Harry even changed the word “girl” to “Lou”, and it’s such a small detail, but it feels so overwhelmingly endearing. He sings the chorus again, and Louis crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the doorframe. He knows, logically, he should just shut the door in his face and pretend this didn’t happen, but damn it, he’s weak.  
_  
If you could see these tears I’m crying  
touch these hands that can’t stop shaking  
hear my heart that’s barely beating  
you will see a different man  
_  
Harry finishes off the chorus once more, playing the last few chords on his guitar and then looking at Louis, biting his bottom lip. Louis’ own bottom lip quivers, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. He won’t give Harry the satisfaction of seeing him cry, though. He’ll cry in the privacy of his own home.

“I have to go, Harry,” he says instead, hand already on the door to close it.

“Louis,” Harry’s voice breaks. “Please, can we talk? It’s been so long since I’ve touched a guitar; it took me forever to learn this song. Forgot how much I loved playing it, sort of like I forgot how much I love you.”

“Yeah, well, you tend to forget a lot when you’re spending all your free time screwing a nurse,” Louis bites. Harry looks visibly wounded. Good.

“Louis…”

“Goodbye, Harry.”

Louis closes the door. He takes a deep, shuddering breath before he falls into a fit of sobs.  
~  
_Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself”—Deborah Reber_

Once Louis gets the kids down, with Liam and Sophia’s own children sleeping beside them, he heads back downstairs to grab a bottle of wine and three glasses. He sighs as he sits down and pops open the bottle with his wine opener. He fills the glasses silently, pouring a little extra into his own, and passing them to Liam and Sophia. He takes a larger sip of his own and closes his eyes, ignoring the headache forming at his temples.

“How are you holding up?” Sophia asks softly, stroking Louis’ bicep comfortingly.

Louis laughs humorlessly. “Just about as well a man who’s been cheated on for a year by his husband of twenty years can hold up. But, I don’t know if it’s harder for me or the kids. I think we’re all trying to deal with it in our own ways, and I hate doing this to them. I don’t want them to be involved in this, but it’s impossible to keep them out. Lucas and Sophia nearly hate him now. Every time Harry comes over to get them or I drop them off at his flat, it’s so clear they don’t want to be with him. Gabby and Jake don’t really get it, so they get excited when he’s around. They miss him a lot, that’s obvious. And Josh, well, you know. He’s so little he has no idea what’s happening.”

“Have you talked to Harry?” Liam asks.

“Only when necessary,” Louis replies. “Pretty much anything related to the kids, but other than that, nothing. I’m not ready to talk to him again. A year. He cheated for a _year_ , and I don’t know how I can be expected to forgive that.”

“You aren’t expected to forgive him,” Sophia says firmly. “You absolutely do not have to forgive him, because he certainly doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Louis shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes. “Then why do I so desperately want to forgive him?”

Liam and Sophia instantly soften into a look of pity, and Louis can’t stand it. He can’t stand the pity that he receives now. Even complete strangers will give him a look when he’s trying to rally his kids and they automatically know he’s a single parent trying to figure it all out. He hates that they can see through him.

“I miss him so much it physically hurts. Sometimes I’ll still make his tea in the morning, thinking he’s just getting ready for work or getting the kids ready for school. Sometimes I roll over in bed and look for his body to cuddle into, and it’s not there anymore. Sometimes I nearly text him to ask him something stupid, like to ask him to pick up milk on the way home. I don’t remember what it’s like to live my life without him, and I don’t want to. I just don’t even know what went wrong.”

Louis is crying now, tears streaming hotly down his cheeks. He feels pathetic for feeling this way, even after knowing he’s been cheated on for so long. He should hate Harry more than he hates anyone or anything, but he doesn’t. He loves him and misses him and doesn’t know what to do anymore.

“You said that it happened after Joshua? Did it start when you told him you were pregnant?” Sophia asks.

“Weirdly enough, no. Joshua was such a complete accident, and I panicked so much when I found out I was pregnant again. When I went to the doctor and they confirmed it, my exact words were ‘oh shit’. I didn’t think that Harry was going to take it well at all, but when I told him he just—he lit up, you know? He couldn’t believe it, but he was so genuinely happy, and you both know he’s so easy to read when it comes to emotions. He can’t fake happiness to save his life, so I know this was real. He dropped right to his knees and started kissing my stomach and talking to it. He asked all these questions, like how far along I was and thinking of ways to tell our parents and friends. He was just so excited, and he was so good for most of the pregnancy. It was towards the end where things got rough, and really fell apart after I gave birth. I just…I didn’t understand how he could go from so thrilled to so miserable in so little time. It didn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand it.”

“Maybe you need to move on,” Sophia suggests gently. “Maybe just, date? Casually, of course, but just so you can remember what it’s like to live without Harry. You might even find someone you really like.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Louis shakes his head. “Especially with the kids. How can I do that to them?”

“They wouldn’t have to know,” Liam jumps in to assure. “Like Soph said, it could just be casual. Just to get yourself out there again. We know you’re lonely, Louis. I know you have the kids, but you also need some adult company.”

God, they know him too well. He’s been painfully lonely since Harry moved out, and he really doesn’t have much adult company. He’ll call Anne every so often, or she’ll call him, making sure he’s okay, but he mainly spends his days with his kids. Don’t get him wrong, he loves them, but he can only talk about imaginary friends and pre-teen drama for so long.

“It’s only been a couple of months, though,” Louis sighs. “Isn’t it too early?”

“Louis, Harry didn’t die, he cheated. He didn’t have permission to cheat, so you don’t need permission to date.”

Louis knows, logically, Sophia is right, but it all sounds so harsh. Harry deserves to hurt like he’s hurting, but he can’t force himself to be vindictive. He wishes he could be, but something is holding him back. Two wrongs don’t make a right, or whatever. Louis’ mother raised him with proper morals and values.

“Who would I even date?” Louis asks incredulously. “I don’t have a job, I certainly don’t have time for hobbies, and the only place I ever go is grocery shopping and driving around my kids. Doubt I’m going to meet anyone there.”

“Well, I think you’d be surprised, but Liam and I both know people from work that we could set you up with. Oh! Liam!” Sophia turns her attention to her husband. “What about Grayson from my office? Wouldn’t he be perfect?”

“He finalized his divorce a while back, yeah?” Liam asks, obviously agreeing with Sophia’s suggestion.

“Yeah, and I know he’s looking to get back into the dating game himself.”

“Do I get a say?” Louis sighs.

“Yes, obviously, but we also want to help you,” Sophia pulls out her phone and checks her Facebook page to pull up a picture of Grayson. When she hands Louis her phone, he’s pleasantly surprised. He’s around Louis’ age, it looks like, with dark hair and light brown eyes. He’s handsome, for sure, and well fit, but he isn’t Harry. He isn’t even sure if he can truly be attracted to anyone but Harry anymore. Obviously, Harry has no such issues. The thought alone sparks anger in his gut.

“Alright, let’s do it. Make it for a Saturday night, I’ll drop the kids off at Harry’s.”

Liam looks surprised at how quickly Louis agrees, but Sophia just smiles knowingly. “Good choice.”

*Harry*

Louis sent Harry a vague text letting Harry know he’d be dropping off Joshua, Jake, and Gabriella for the night, while Sophia and Lucas stay over at their friends’ houses. Harry isn’t sure why, because normally, Louis wouldn’t just drop them off so last minute. Louis doesn’t bring them over unless he really has to, because Louis has told him in so many words that he hates seeing him and hates having to bring their kids around him. It kills Harry that he can’t see his kids whenever he wants, but when he thinks about it, he didn’t see them much when he was living at home, either. He was a shit father, picking not only work over his own kids, but favoring a shag with his nurse instead of going home for dinner.

Harry tidies up the flat, making sure he’s got dinner ready to go by the time the kids come, and have the spare room set up for them to sleep in tonight. As he’s setting the table, the doorbell rings. Harry slings the dish towel over his shoulder and heads to the door. When he opens it, Joshua gives him a toothy grin, some of his teeth finally popping out. He waves his chubby hand at him and Harry smiles at him, picking him out of Louis’ arms and hugging him.

“Hi, baby! I’ve missed you so much!” Harry coos, kissing his cheek wetly. He greets Gabriella and Jake with hugs and kisses and tells them to go wait for him in the kitchen and he’ll be right there with dinner. He looks at Louis and gives him a once over, offering him a small smile. “Hey. Wow, you look nice. Are you going somewhere?”

Louis doesn’t smile back. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going on a date.”

Harry nearly chokes. “You’re…you’re going on a—date? You’re dating?”

“Well, Sophia set me up with someone from work. Wouldn’t necessarily call it dating, just a first date.”

“Oh. Um, that’s…great,” Harry swallows. “You’ll pick them up tomorrow, then?”

“Yup,” Louis says coldly. “Problem? Expecting company?”

“No, no, I’m not. I’m glad they’re staying over. I’ve got everything ready for them,” Harry tries to amend.

“I’ll have my cell on me if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

“Let me just say goodbye to them,” Louis pushes past Harry and goes into the kitchen. Harry follows them, bouncing Joshua on his way. Louis kisses Gabriella and Jake and tells them to be good and he’ll be back first thing in the morning to get him. He makes it sound like it’s torture to spend time with Harry, like they don’t want to be here. It stings.

“So, um, have fun tonight,” Harry says as Louis opens the front door. Harry feels like a small child, curling in on himself, trying to keep his emotions at bay. He can’t analyze this right now. After the kids are asleep, he’ll sit down and think about it, but not now. He’s got his kids with him, and he wants to enjoy that. He’s trying to make up for lost time.

“Thanks,” Louis says shortly. That’s it. Nothing more is said, and Harry hates what he’s done to their relationship.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow, then. You don’t have to rush to get them, I was going to make breakfast and stuff for them, maybe take them to the park. Weather is supposed to be nice. You can come, if you want,” Harry tries to keep the desperation out of his voice.

“Maybe,” Louis shrugs. “We’ll see. I’ll text you to let you know.”

“Yeah, sure. You look…really great, by the way. Your date is very lucky,” Harry says softly.

“Thanks,” Louis says, and Harry can see his cheeks go just a bit pink. He tries not to get too excited. “I should go.”

“Yeah, alright. Bye, Lou.”

Louis waves and walks out of the house. Harry sighs as he closes the door. He’s going to focus on his kids and enjoy their night together, though. This is not going to bring his mood down. Not yet, at least.

They enjoy a nice dinner together, Harry feeding Joshua and himself in intervals. He thinks they’re too young to really get what’s happening, so it’s not awkward or uncomfortable. They’re their normal selves, happy and chatting away. Sophia and Lucas are the ones who hate him. He’s well aware of that.

“Can we watch a movie before bed?” Jake asks.

“Yeah, of course, bud. We’ll pick something after dessert.”

“Dessert?” Gabriella asks excitedly. Louis and Harry have always been good about keeping their kids on a good diet, but for tonight, Harry is going to allow them each a scoop of frozen yogurt and fresh fruit.

“If you finish all your vegetables,” Harry grins at her. She sighs dramatically put forks another piece of broccoli and pops it in her mouth.

After dinner, Gabriella and Jake help clean up the table while Harry gets dessert ready to go. He cuts up strawberries for Jake, not wanting to feed him too much refined sugar at this young age.

“You guys are the best for helping out,” Harry smiles at his kids. “You two definitely deserve ice cream now.”

Jake and Gabriella cheer as Harry puts frozen yogurt in their bowls and puts strawberries and a little bit of whipped cream on them both. They dig in quickly, so Harry takes the opportunity to set Joshua up with his sliced strawberries and allows him to feed himself. He presses a kiss to his forehead and moves to the sink to wash up the dishes. Before he can finish, Gabriella is speaking.

“Um, papa?” she asks, fear in her voice.

“Yeah, honey?”

“Josh looks funny,” she says timidly. “I think something is wrong.”

Harry turns so fast his neck almost snaps. Joshua’s face is puffy and red, lips swollen and hands covered in rashes. He’s having an allergic reaction to the strawberries. His breathing already sounds wheezy. Harry sprints to the study, grabbing his first aid kit from his desk and pulling out one of the Epi-pens he has. Being a doctor, he knows it’s always a possibility for someone to have a reaction. He just never thought it would be one of his kids.

By the time he runs back, Josh looks even worse. Harry picks him up out of his highchair quickly, holding him on his hip and prepping the pen. He stabs it into his little thigh before he can overthink it, and Joshua doesn’t cry nearly as much as he thought he would.

“Papa’s right here, baby boy. You’re okay, love. You’re going to feel better soon, baby, I promise.”

Joshua fits his head against Harry’s shoulder, crying tiredly and wheezing pathetically. Harry has stopped the reaction, but he’ll have to take him to the hospital for aftercare. So much for a quiet night in with his kids. Louis is going to love hearing this.

“Alright, kids, put your shoes on. We have to take Josh to the hospital,” Harry instructs, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Is he going to be okay?” Jake asks sadly.

“He’s going to be just fine,” Harry assures him.

The kids rush to put their shoes on and Harry gets Joshua ready as quickly as he can. He buckles them into the car with speed and tries not to drive over the speed limit. He’s going to have to call Louis to tell him, but he figures that can wait until Joshua is admitted and taken care of. There’s no need to ruin Louis’ date and put him in a state of panic. Harry isn’t vindictive enough for that.

The whole ride over, he keeps checking the rearview mirror, keeps talking to Joshua to make sure he’s okay and still awake and conscious. Was he supposed to know he was allergic to strawberries? Does Louis know? Did Louis find out the hard way, too, and not tell Harry? He hates that he doesn’t know anything anymore.

*Louis*

“I had a great time, Grayson,” Louis smiles at his date. They’re at Louis’ front door, Grayson towering over Louis. Louis doesn’t know where to go from here. Is he supposed to kiss him? is he supposed to _sleep_ with him? He hasn’t dated someone that wasn’t Harry in over twenty years. He’s not even divorced. He’s only separated from Harry. Is it still cheating? Does it matter if it is? Harry cheated on him. His head hurts.

“I did, too,” Grayson grins. “I’m glad you decided to come out with me. Sophia told me you weren’t sure about it.”

“I wasn’t,” Louis tells him honestly. “But I’m glad I did.”

“I’m glad you did, too.”

Grayson is going to kiss him. He can see it in his eyes. Louis doesn’t even know if he wants to kiss him back, but he’s saved by his phone going off in his pocket.

“I’m sorry,” Louis murmurs, pulling his phone out and seeing Harry’s name. “It’s my husband.” He doesn’t know if he should have said that on a date, but, it’s too late to take it back now.

“Harry? Is everything alright?” Louis asks when he answers. He doubts Harry would have called if it wasn’t important.

“Everything is okay,” Harry assures him. “But we’re at the hospital.”

“The hospital?!” Louis screeches. “Oh my god, I leave them with you for two hours and they’re in the hospital! What the fuck did you do?!”

“Louis, Joshua had an allergic reaction to strawberries. He couldn’t breathe and he broke out in a rash, but I had an Epi-pen on hand and that stopped it. We’re just at the hospital so they can monitor him and give him the aftercare he needs from epinephrine. He’s fine now, and he’s sleeping. They’re going to keep him overnight. I just figured you’d want to see him.”

“Oh my god,” Louis is crying now. “Yeah, of course. Just—fuck, text me his room number, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Give him a kiss for me.”

“Of course.”

Louis hangs up and wipes the tears from his cheeks. “I’m sorry, my one year old son is in the hospital. He had an allergic reaction to strawberries. I have to go see him. I’m sorry about this.”

“Oh, no, is he okay?” Grayson asks.

“He’s okay now, just sleeping. They’re keeping him overnight. I have to be with him.”

“Of course. Do you need a ride to the hospital?”

“No, that’s okay. Thank you, though. I’m sorry I have to cut this short.”

“Don’t even worry about it. I’ll call you, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

Grayson kisses his cheek and says a short goodbye before going to his car. Louis sprints to his own car and floors it to the hospital.

Louis greets a nurse and tells her what’s going on, and she escorts him to Joshua’s room. Harry is in the hospital bed with Joshua lying on his chest, his fingers gently playing with his wispy hair. Louis almost falls to his knees at the sight. Gabriella and Jake are asleep on the small couch, since it’s just past their bedtime. Louis walks over to the bed and kisses Joshua’s head softly.

“I can’t believe this,” Louis whispers. “I’ve never fed him strawberries before.”

“Well, the important thing is he’s okay, and now we know for next time.”

“I’ve never been so grateful to be married to a doctor,” Louis sighs. “I—I can’t thank you enough, Harry. I don’t know what I would have done if this happened. You saved his life.”

“I did what I had to do,” Harry shrugs a little. “I’m just glad I could help.”

Without thinking, Louis surges forward and catches Harry’s lips in a kiss. He pulls away quickly, as if he was burned, realizing that they aren’t together right now. He absolutely can’t kiss him.

“I’m sorry,” Louis says quickly. “I just, got caught up, I guess. Um, thank you again.”

Harry’s cheeks are pink. “Yeah, of course. How did your date go?”

Louis forgot all about it. “It was good. He was nice. We were just about to walk into the house when you called.”

He wants it to sound like they were going to sleep together, even if they weren’t. Louis wants Harry to hurt the way he’s been hurting. It’s only fair, really.

“I’m sorry I cut it short, then.”

“I doubt that.”

“You’re right,” Harry says, looking at Joshua. “I’m not sorry.”

Louis snorts and rolls his eyes. The fact that Harry is jealous means he still cares, though. He’s glad.

“Well, you can take the kids home and I’ll stay with Joshua,” Louis says.

“No, that’s okay. I want to stay with him, keep an eye on his stats. I also don’t know the last time I got to sleep with him in my arms, so I want to take advantage of that.”

Louis can’t deny Harry that. Harry is the best person to be here, considering he’ll know right away if something is wrong. He also doesn’t want to make him leave his son. He won’t do that to Joshua.

“I’m going to call Liam and Sophia and see if they can take Gabby and Jake, maybe. I want to be here when he wakes up.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Louis calls them and Sophia tells him to bring them right over, expecting him to give every detail of the date. It might help to be able to talk to someone about it.

“Soph says they can take them, so I’m going to just drop them off quickly. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Yeah, take your time,” Harry says. “He isn’t going anywhere.”

Louis gently wakes Gabriella and Jake up, greeting them with kisses and helping them get their stuff together. They say goodbye to Harry and Louis promises to be back quickly.

*Harry*

Louis comes back within a half hour, looking tired. He sits beside the bed and rubs Joshua’s back softly. “Stayed asleep?”

“Yeah’, he’ll be out for the night,” Harry murmurs. “So, your date went well, then. Do you plan to see him again?”

“Yeah,” Louis says easily, but doesn’t make eye contact. He keeps his gaze on Joshua.

“That’s…good,” Harry says quietly. He doesn’t remember what it’s like to _not_ be with Louis. They were dating before they were truly friends. Everything happened so quickly with them, and now it’s shattered. Harry doesn’t know how to accept this.

“Yeah, it is good,” Louis nods. “It’s really good.”

Louis eventually falls asleep, but Harry doesn’t. He’s too afraid that Joshua will suddenly swell up again, stop breathing while in his arms. Realistically, he’s completely fine now, and they’re in a hospital full of doctors and nurses, but Harry can’t get the image of his baby struggling for breath out of his head. He also can’t stop picturing Louis, his Louis, with another man. It’s been an overall bad day, and Harry is struggling to keep his head above water at this point.  
~  
Joshua is able to leave the next day, and Louis thanks him again. Harry wishes he actually got to spend the night with his kids, but Louis promises that he’ll be able to take them again soon.

When Harry goes back to his empty flat, he thinks long and hard about his marriage. He thinks about what’s happened, thinks about Louis dating again, and at this point, he only wants what’s best for him and his family. He just wants them all to be happy, and maybe that doesn’t include Harry anymore.

*Louis*

When Louis gets the mail, his heart drops into his stomach. Before he can get too upset about it, though, he’s filled with rage. Thankfully, he’s home alone, the kids at school and Joshua with Anne, so he grabs his keys and sprints to his car. Harry has officially lost his fucking mind.

Louis stalks into Harry’s apartment building, banging on the door until Harry opens it, looking exhausted and sad. Louis holds up the packet of papers and doesn’t hold back on his anger.

“Divorce papers? So, that’s it? You’re giving up on our marriage?” Louis seethes. His heart is pounding loudly in his ears. He hasn’t been this angry since he saw Harry and Nathan kissing.

“Louis, you’ve made it clear you’ve moved on from our relationship. You made it clear that if it wasn’t for what happened with Joshua, you’d have slept with that guy. You’ve shown absolutely no indication that you want to fix this, so stop stringing me along and pull the plug! If you’re happier with someone else, then just say it! I’ve fucked up and ruined everything. What’s the point of staying married anymore?”

“You fucking idiot! You were having sex with Nathan for a _year_ , while we had a _newborn_ at home to raise, no less, and you obviously didn’t give a shit! So, to me, it seems like you moved on a year ago but we’re too much of a coward to tell me! I have every right to date if I want to! I can fuck him, if I want to! But I should be the one filing for divorce papers, not you! You don’t get the satisfaction. You don’t get to come off looking high and mighty for divorcing me! I should be divorcing you! But I’m not, because I’m still fucking in love with you, stupidly so, and—“

Before Louis can continue his rant, Harry is grabbing him by the back of the head and pulling him in for an aggressive, heated kiss. Louis knows, rationally, he should be pushing Harry off, yelling at him some more and storming out. But, he loves Harry, despite everything that’s happened. He loves Harry and he misses him and he misses _this_ , and so what if he needs to have sex again? He’s only human. He deserves this.

Harry grabs him from behind and picks him up, and Louis wraps his legs around his waist instantly. His nails dig into Harry’s shoulders as Harry slams the front door and brings him to the bedroom, the bedroom they shared for years before buying their first home. Louis doesn’t want to think about it, but they spent all of uni in this flat; Lucas spent his first Christmas in this flat. This flat has so many memories for the both of them, and it feels like some sort of circle of life in a sick, twisted way.

Harry tosses Louis onto the bed and crawls on top of him. “I was just trying to do what was best for everyone,” Harry grits out.

“Well, you were being a fucking idiot, as usual,” Louis bites back. “Jesus Christ, you used to be smart, you know. I don’t know what the fuck happened to you.”

“Shut up,” Harry bites his collarbone. “Just shut up.”

“Make me,” Louis spits.

“I’m trying.”

Harry yanks off Louis’ shirt and then his own. Harry’s body is more toned than it has been in years, his abs more defined. He assumes that he’s got a lot more alone time now, living alone. It’s not fair that Harry is still so sexy and Louis feels like he’s aged ten years in only six months.

Louis aggressively yanks on Harry’s zipper and unbuttons his jeans, pushing them down and scratching Harry in the progress. Harry hisses but doesn’t retaliate in any way, only yanks on Louis’ own pants to get them off. They’re both already hard, because this is the first time they’re doing this in almost a year and a half. The thought is daunting.

Harry reaches out for lube and a condom, quickly slicking up his fingers and shoving two into Louis’ hole without warning. Louis yelps because it’s been so long for him, and he could probably use very gentle, deliberate prep, but he won’t be getting that from Harry.

“Asshole,” Louis hisses.

“Told you to shut up,” Harry quips, fucking his fingers into Louis fast and harshly. There’s definitely a sting to it, but it’s nothing Louis can’t handle. A third finger presses in shortly after, making Louis squeeze his eyes shut with pain. It passes soon after, though. He’s just never done this sort of thing with Harry. It’s never been so aggressive and angry before. He doesn’t know if he likes it.

Louis drags his fingernails over Harry’s back, surely leaving harsh scratches there. He deserves it, Louis thinks bitterly. Louis probably won’t be able to walk for days after this, so Harry deserves some marks. Harry grits his teeth as Louis’ nails continually dig into his muscled back, and Louis nearly smirks with satisfaction. The bastard deserves it.

Louis catches Harry gazing at his stomach and, more specifically, his C-section scars. They’ve faded well, but they’ll always be there, a reminder of every child they had together.

“He’d never be able to hold your babies like I did,” Louis says, his voice not as biting. There is a small possibility that Nathan could get pregnant, Louis thinks, but it definitely isn’t likely. “He could never give you what I gave you.”

“I never wanted him to,” Harry nearly whispers. Louis isn’t sure what to say to that.

“Turn over,” Harry demands, yanking his fingers out. Before Louis can move, Harry is doing it for him, rolling him onto his stomach. They rarely ever fucked like this because it felt so impersonal. They liked to be face to face, normally, but it makes sense, now. Harry doesn’t want to look at him right now.

Louis takes the pillow and puts it under his upper body and hides his face in it as Harry pushes the tip of his cock into his tight hole. It’s been so long, and it almost feels like he’s losing his virginity all over again. He bites into the pillow and waits for the burn to pass.

“Bet your new boyfriend would never be able to fuck you the way I could. Remember the night I got you to come five times in a row? Remember that, Louis? We were up at Robin’s cabin, and it snowed so hard we couldn’t leave for another three days, and I got you to come five times in a row. You slept for fourteen hours after that. I’m the only one that could have made you do that.”

Louis moans just at the memory, and he knows Harry is right. He still doesn’t know how that had happened. He pushed Louis to every limit he’d ever known. There were toys and rimming and Harry fucking him until he was raw. Only Harry would be able to bring that out of him, and they both know it.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Louis finds himself saying into the fabric of the pillow. “It was one date.”

Harry doesn’t bother replying, but pushes his cock fully inside of Louis, making him whine pitifully. Harry rolls his hips a few times, managing to fit deeper and deeper inside. It’s no secret to either of them that Harry is huge, and he knows how to use it well. Despite the sting and burn of the stretch, Louis is hard against his belly and the bed. He ruts against it, needing to get some friction on his cock.

Harry’s hands grip as Louis’ cheeks, squeezing them and pulling them apart, probably to get a better look at his cock filling him. Louis knows Harry has a thing for that, for watching his dick disappear into Louis, stretch him apart and make him feel good.

“Shit,” Harry growls, leaving nail marks on Louis’ ass cheeks. “So fucking tight.”

“Better than Nathan,” Louis spits.

“I know,” Harry agrees easily.

Louis is actually surprised he agreed so easily. “Tighter?”

“So much.”

Louis wants to pry more, but he’s getting close to an orgasm, and he doesn’t want to think about his husband and someone else. Harry is fucking into him just the way he likes, slow and deep, letting him feel every inch of him. He’s grazing his prostate with every thrust, and the bottom of his spine is tingling with the need to come.

“Wanna make you come,” Harry murmurs. “Wanna make you come like no one ever has before.”

Harry’s already done that every time they fuck, but Louis won’t bother telling him that. He continues to push into him, forcing his body deeper into the mattress, Louis’ cock incredibly hard against his belly and he can feel it drip against his skin. Louis pushes his face into the pillow and sobs, pushing his hips into the mattress, lower back arching obscenely as he comes in long, hot pulses.

“Fuck, yes,” Harry moans, bites at Louis’ shoulder, and comes buried inside of him. He collapses on top of him, cock still pressed inside, breathing hotly into Louis’ ear. Louis should push him off, and run out of this place as fast as he can, but he just had sex with Harry for the first time in so, so long, and they’ve got skin to skin contact, and he’s still inside of him, and it’s too much. Louis wants to bask in this for just a little bit longer.

Eventually, once their breathing gets even again, Harry very carefully pulls out of him, leaving him empty and exposed. Harry rolls onto his back, ties the condom up and tosses it out.

“Was Nathan even worth it?” Louis asks boldly, lying on his side. “Was Nathan worth all of this? Our separation? Our friends hating you? Your oldest child, your first born son, unable to look at you? Never seeing your kids? Was it worth it?”

“Louis, if I could take it all back, I would,” Harry tells him earnestly. “He wasn’t worth any of it. I don’t know what I was even thinking. I wasn’t thinking, I suppose. Things just got so hard, and then it was happening, and I didn’t know how to stop it, so I didn’t. I only filed for divorce because I thought that’s what you wanted. I figured it was time to throw in the towel and give you your life back. I don’t want to hold you back if you don’t want me anymore. This way you can date and remarry and all that without the burden of me.”

“You are such a fucking idiot,” Louis shakes his head and gets out of bed. “Don’t you think if I wanted that, I would have filed for divorce by now? If I was planning to get remarried, do you think I’d be so upset about these papers? That I would fucking sleep with you? Yeah, I went on a date, because Sophia and Liam told me to, and I was so angry with you that I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. That’s why I did it. I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I didn’t even want to kiss him goodnight. He was a perfectly lovely man and he was perfectly handsome but he wasn’t you, Harry. You apparently don’t understand, because you were so willing to cheat on me you didn’t think twice, but we made vows, and that means something to me. I love you, and I’m not willing to throw it away. But if you are, by all means, give me a fucking pen so you can ride off into the sunset with Nathan.”

“I think you’re pretty stupid, too, if you think I still want to be with him,” Harry snaps. “Do you know why he kissed me, Louis? Because I refused to leave you for him, and he was mad at me, so he took it upon himself. He was hoping you would leave me and he could have me for himself. I wasn’t going to bring him over, I never wanted to, but I also didn’t want to be a dick and let him stay in a hotel alone on New Year’s Eve. I was only trying to be a nice guy. I wasn’t trying to spite you.”

“Does it even matter?” Louis sighs tiredly. “You still cheated on me for over a year and loved another man.”

“Never in the way I loved you, Louis. Never. That was just about sex. I would never be able to picture a future with him, and he would make a shit father. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“If that were true,” Louis hiccups, crying freely. “You wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.”

Louis grabs his clothes and hurriedly gets changed.

“Louis, please, don’t leave. Can we just talk? Please, don’t do this,” Harry begs. “I’ll rip up the papers. I thought I was helping you.”

“Well, you weren’t. I don’t know the last time you actually have helped me,” Louis says angrily.

“Louis, what can I do? If you don’t want to get divorced, what are we doing? It’s been six months. I need some direction. Please.”

“I don’t know,” Louis sighs, putting his hands on his hips. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”

“Well, I think you should figure it out,” Harry says as gently as he can. “The ball is in your court. I don’t want to get a divorce, Louis, but I also don’t want to be separated in this state of limbo forever. If we aren’t going to get divorced, something needs to happen. We can’t just stay like this. It’s not good for the kids or for us. We need to figure something out.”

Louis sits back on the bed and rubs his temples. “I don’t want a divorce. I never did. Not even when I saw you two kissing. I know I’m never going to love someone the way I love you, and I don’t want to throw away what we have. I just don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I don’t know what to think of us anymore.”

“Louis,” Harry almost whimpers, sitting next to Louis and putting his arms around him. Louis is too tired to even fight it, so he allows it. It feels good. “I know what I did is unforgivable, but I do think we can get back to where we were. I truly believe that. I can promise you I will never, ever be so stupid. I will do anything I can to prove that to you. I was just going through a midlife crisis or something. I was so stupid, and I know in my heart we’re soulmates, and we belong together. Our kids need us together, and I need you. I can’t live without you, Louis. I’ve been on antidepressants ever since we separated. I’m miserable without you and our kids.”

“God damn it, Harry! You cheated, you decided I wasn’t enough, and now you have me feeling bad for you! It’s not fair!” Louis shouts, shoving Harry away from him abruptly. 

“I know,” Harry whispers, looking down at his hands.“I know I’m a fuck up.”

“What if…what if you just come visit? You can come by the house for dinner and to see the kids and stuff. We can get them used to seeing you again, and I can adjust to it, too. And maybe we start therapy. Would you go?” Louis looks into Harry’s eyes challengingly.

“Every session,” Harry promises. “That might be really helpful. I think that’s a good start.”

“And this,” Louis gestures between them. “Can’t happen again. I was just overwhelmed and in the heat of the moment, but that can’t happen.”

“I understand,” Harry says softly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was the both of us. We got it out of our system, though. So now we can move past it.”

“Right.”

“Right. Okay, well, I have to go get the kids from school,” Louis says and stands up.

“Why don’t I come with you? Like I used to? Maybe we can go out to dinner?”

“Um,” Louis thinks for a moment and gives in. “Okay, sure. Let’s see how it goes.”

*Harry*

Gabriella and Jake are thrilled to see Harry. They jump into his arms and it felt so good. Picking up Sophia and Lucas, though. Well, that was a different story.

Sophia reluctantly let Harry hug her, and Lucas refused to even make eye contact. He just moved right to the car and acted as if he’d never seen Harry at all.

“You can’t blame him,” Louis whisper as they walk to the car. “You betrayed him. You were his hero. It’s not easy for him to handle this. I suggest talking to him.”

“Yeah, I know. I will,” Harry sighs. He can’t believe the mess he’s made. They head back into the car and head for Louis’ mum’s house to get the baby.

“Do you guys want to go out for dinner tonight? Anywhere you want,” Harry says, looking in the rearview mirror. Lucas looks out the window and doesn’t answer, but Gabriella and Jake cheer excitedly. “Soph?”

“I guess.”

“Luke? Babe?” Louis asks.

“If I have to.”

“It’ll be fun,” Harry promises. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere you’re not,” he mumbles, but Harry still hears it.

“Lucas,” Louis scolds gently. “Not right now.”

He huffs out in annoyance. “Fine. I don’t care where we go.”

“I want Japanese,” Sophia says simply.

“Japanese it is, then,” Harry replies, trying to hide his utter disappointment and hurt. His kids can’t even stand to be in the same room with him, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

The drive to the restaurant is fairly quiet, besides the babbling of Joshua and Jake telling stories about his day at school. Harry responds when appropriate and engages in the conversation, loving how much Jake enjoys school. He’s learning to read, now, and he gets so excited about it. Every time they go shopping and he sees books, he rushes over to them and begs Harry and Louis to buy him one, and they can’t help but indulge him. He’s already such a bright little boy, and Harry wants him to keep his mentality of loving knowledge.

Once they arrive, Harry and Louis help them out of the car and they walk in, asking for a table for six with a high chair. They sit and Harry tells them all to order whatever they want, so, obviously, Lucas picks the most expensive thing on the menu, and Harry is fairly certain he won’t even like it, but he’s doing it out of spite. If that’s what he wants to play at, though, Harry will let him. Harry orders chicken teriyaki, Lucas’s favorite.

When dinner comes and Lucas very obviously hates his dish, if his pushing food around his plate and not eating any of it is anything to go by, Harry silently takes it away and hands him his own. Lucas doesn’t bother protesting, but digs into his new meal. Louis mouths “thank you” to Harry across the table.

Dinner is awkward, to say the least. Harry tries to start conversation with his eldest kids, but Gabriella is the only one to even pretend she’s interested. Jake and Joshua babble happily, and thankfully break some of the tension. Joshua tosses a piece of his cut-up chicken at Lucas, which promptly throws everyone into a fit of laughter, Joshua clapping proudly in his highchair. He’s a menace, just like his dad.

They order dessert, which is definitely a treat for the kids. Normally, they won’t get dessert when they go out, because both Louis and Harry agreed on making sure their kids had healthy diets, so they stuck to lower sugar foods and less processed foods. But, tonight, Harry thought everyone deserved a sweet treat. Louis passed, so he focused on feeding Joshua a small bowl of ice cream.

“You sure you don’t want anything, Lou?” Harry asks. “You can have some of mine.”

“No, thank you. I’m watching my weight.”

Alarm bells went off in Harry’s head. What? Why is he watching his weight? Louis is perfect the way he is, and he’s already a bit underweight for his frame. He dropped the baby weight of Joshua in no time at all, and Louis might be even thinner than he was when they met.

“Louis, just have a few bites. Cheesecake is your favorite.”

“Harry, I don’t want any.”

“Lou-“

“Harry,” Louis snaps. “I don’t want any. Thank you, but no thank you.”

Harry makes a mental note to talk to Louis about this further at a different time. 

After dessert, Harry pays the bill, and they drive back home. Well, Louis’ home. It’s no longer Harry’s home. Harry is no longer welcome there. Surprisingly enough, though, Louis invites him inside to talk. Harry can’t believe it, but he definitely jumps on the opportunity.

Harry gets Joshua out of his car seat and carries him inside while holding Jake’s hand and Louis wrangles the other kids out of the car.

“Why is he coming inside?” Lucas asks Louis. Harry tries to pretend he can’t hear them.

“Because he’s your father and he deserves to see you,” Louis replies easily.

“Well I don’t want to see him,” Lucas snaps.

“Okay. You don’t have to. But your brothers do, and I need to talk to him.”

“Well I’m going to my room, then.”

“That’s fine. I’ll bring you up a cup of tea later, if you want.”

“Fine.”

Harry’s first-born child hates him and can’t even handle being in the same room with him. He could throw up right about now.

Lucas storms right upstairs when they get into the house, and neither Louis nor Harry addresses it. Sophia follows him up, and Harry grabs Joshua’s diaper bag to change him.

“I’m going to put him in his pajamas and I’ll be back down. Want me to get Jake and Gabby ready for bed, as well?”

“That would be great,” Louis says. “Thanks.”

“Alright, kiddos, time to get ready for bed. Then we can cuddle and read, okay?” Harry says to Gabriella and Jake. Joshua is already blinking slowly on his shoulder. Harry has always been a big believer in reading to his kids and with them when they were old enough. It’s been a great way for him to bond with his kids and he knows that it’s helped their brains developed. He used to love coming home from work and reading with his kids. That was always one of Harry’s favorite parts of the day. It’s been so long since he’s gotten to do that.

Louis sits down on the plush loveseat and flicks the TV on. Harry is glad he can take the kids off his hands for the night so he has a chance to relax. He deserves it.

Harry draws a bath for Joshua and Jake and sends Gabriella into her bathroom to bathe herself while he gives the boys a quick bath. The boys giggle and play with their bath toys and Harry is soaked by the time he’s done, but he can’t remember the last time he was this happy. He’s missed his kids so much it aches, and these two kids don’t hate Harry yet. They’ve got the gift of innocence and ignorance still.

Harry gets both boys dressed, gets Jake to brush his teeth, and allows them to play on the floor of the playroom while he goes and checks on Gabriella.

“Want me to do your hair, babe?” Harry asks, finding Gabriella in her room with her pajamas on and her long wet hair soaking through her t-shirt. She’s scanning her bookshelf for a book to read.

“Yes, please.”

“French braids okay?”

“Perfect.”

Harry grabs her brush and some elastic bands and sits on her bed. She crawls in front of him and he begins to brush out her knots.

“Papa, can we start reading Harry Potter tonight?”

“Think you’re ready for that?” Harry smiles. They had tried it before everything went wrong, and she was struggling to get through it, so Harry said they could wait a while and try again when she was ready. So much time has passed, Harry realizes, and he’s scared of how fast his kids are growing up.

“I’ve been practicing a lot,” she says proudly. “Daddy said we could start it, but you promised we’d read it together. I want to read it with you.”

Harry’s heart grows three sizes. She doesn’t hate Harry. She only wants to read Harry Potter with him, even though he doesn’t even live in the same house as her anymore. God, he misses his kids.

“Of course, baby. Let’s start it tonight.”

He begins to braid her hair and she speaks up. “Are you ever going to live here again? I miss you. I don’t like you living in that other house. I liked when you lived here with us.”

Harry could burst into tears right now. “I know, baby girl. I miss you, too. But daddy and I are still trying to work some things out. Maybe one day I’ll move back in, but I just don’t know yet, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Gabriella sighs. “I just miss seeing you every day.”

“Oh, baby, I miss you too. I miss you so much. But you can come see me whenever you want. All you have to do is tell daddy, and he’ll take you to see me. Or, if you miss me, you can always call me. I’ll always pick up for you. Okay?”

“Okay,” she sighs again. “Why is daddy mad at you?”

Harry had hoped she wouldn’t ask, but it’s a fair question. Her whole life has been turned upside down because of this, and she has a right to know.

“Well, marriage is very hard. Sometimes, we make big mistakes. Papa made a very big mistake, and it really hurt daddy’s feelings,” Harry tells her. He can’t be totally honest, but he can try his best to explain things gently.

“Can’t you just say you’re sorry?”

“I wish it were that easy, kiddo. Sometimes sorry isn’t enough.”

“Maybe you should do something really nice for him,” Gabriella suggests.

“Like what?” Harry smiles a little.

“Take him out for a nice dinner,” she says easily. “Buy him flowers, too. Sunflowers. His favorite. Don’t get chocolate, though. Daddy said he’s staying away from chocolate.”

There it is again. Harry has no idea why this is going on, but he’ll definitely be talking to Louis about this tonight. “That’s a good idea. I’ll try that.”

“Good,” Gabriella says.

“Alright, your hair is done and it looks beautiful.”

Gabriella pats her head and turns to smile at Harry. “Thanks, papa.”

“No problem, sweetheart. I’ll be back in a few minutes to read with you, okay? Let me just put Josh and Jake to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Harry kisses her forehead and leaves the room to tend to his boys. He picks them both up, despite his bad back, and brings them into the nursery. He sits in the rocking chair and grabs a book. He lays both boys on his chest and kisses their foreheads.

“Alright, are your listening ears on?”

“They’re on, papa,” Jake promises. Harry smiles and begins to read. Joshua is asleep by the third page. Once the book is finished, Harry puts Joshua gently in his crib and carries a very sleepy Jake into his own room. He tucks him into bed and kisses his cheek.

“Goodnight, kiddo. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Harry murmurs.

“Promise?”

“I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too, papa.”

Jake wraps his arms around Harry’s neck and Harry hugs him tight.

“Goodnight, baby.”

“Night, papa.”

Harry makes his way back to Gabriella’s room and she’s already in bed with the book in her lap, waiting patiently for her dad to join her. Harry grins and lays next to her.

“Let’s start this book, shall we?”

“Let’s do it!”

Gabriella opens the book and begins to read to Harry. Harry helps her out when she needs it, but she’s doing so well by herself. Harry is so proud of her. She struggled for a bit with reading, always better with numbers than words. Her progress, however, is incredible, and Harry is thrilled. She even seems proud of herself. They get through the first chapter, and Gabriella looks ready to keep going, but it’s getting late and she has school in the morning. The kids only have about two weeks before summer holiday, and Harry is hoping he’ll get to spend more time with them during their two and a half months off.

“Alright, baby, it’s getting late. You can read more tomorrow,” Harry promises.

“Will you be here to read it with me?” Gabriella asks, stifling a yawn.

“I’ll try,” Harry murmurs. He doesn’t want to push Louis’ boundaries, but this is his baby girl asking. How can he say no?

“Okay. Goodnight, papa. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. I’ll see you soon, yeah? You did a great job tonight. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks, papa,” Gabriella grins. Harry gives her a kiss and turns off the lights and leaves her room. He checks up on Jake and Joshua before heading back downstairs. Louis is close to dozing off in front of the telly.

“The little ones are asleep,” Harry tells Louis quietly, sitting on the other side of the loveseat.

“Thanks,” Louis murmurs, opening his eyes and adjusting his position on the couch.

“So, I think we should talk,” Harry says.

“I think so, too.”

“Good. Okay. That’s good. Well, I guess it’s safe to say Lucas and Sophia hate me.”

“Hate is a strong word, but I don’t think we can blame them,” Louis shrugs sadly.

“No, I suppose we can’t,” Harry sighs. “I just wish I knew how to make things better between us.”

“Well, I think that brings us into our next subject: you and I. I think we have to do something. We can’t just stand still. You were right about all that. We have to try and make some progress if we aren’t going to get divorced, and I think moving forward is the only way we’ll be able to fix anything, especially with the kids involved. I was thinking, if you’ll go, we should start therapy together. I know it won’t fix everything, and you and I have a lot of work to do on our own, but maybe a therapist can be a helpful, non-involved third party member to help us out. We could get someone else’s professional opinion to guide us. Would you go?”

“Every single session,” Harry promises. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“Okay, good. Good. I also think I want you coming around more. I can’t be depriving our kids of seeing their father. It isn’t fair to you or them. I think bringing you back into their lives on a daily basis will help a lot.”

“Okay,” Harry nods. “I can definitely do that. I would love to do that. But what exactly would that mean?”

“Well, you can have the key back to the house, and you can come when you want and when your schedule allows. Family dinners would be nice to have again, and it would be great if you could stick around for bedtime. I know Gabby has missed your nightly readings together. She wouldn’t let me start Harry Potter with her, said she had to wait for papa, because papa promised they would read it together. Truly hurt my feelings there,” Louis smiles a little. Harry cracks a smile of his own.

“To be fair, I did promise her once she practiced more we’d read it together. She did a great job, though. Barely had to help her out. I’m glad she’s gotten the hang of it.”

“Yeah, me too,” Louis sighs with content. “I was worried for a while.”

“She just needed to adjust to it, that’s all. Her thing is math, and that’s just fine. She’s going to be brilliant.” 

“Yeah,” Louis smiles. “She is.”

“I would love to be over here more, though. I’ve missed reading with them, too.”

“They miss you a lot. Well, the little ones do. I think Lucas and Sophia are not so thrilled about your existence at this point.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” Harry deflates.

“But, if we’re able to move forward, I’m hoping they will, too. It’s just going to take some time for all of us. I will say, though, that I have a lot more faith than I did when everything went down. I have faith in us again.”

“You do?” Harry asks, his heart skipping a beat. Louis takes Harry’s hand and gives it a squeeze.

“Yeah. I haven’t forgiven you yet, of course, but I’m working on it. If I don’t forgive you, Lucas won’t forgive you, and I won’t ruin that relationship. You’ve really changed these past six months, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. We still have a long way to go, but you were right. We shouldn’t throw away twenty years over this. It would be easier to just call it quits, but I’ve never been one to take the easy way out, and I won’t do that now. You’re my one, true, deep love I’ve had, and I know I’ll never find this kind of love with anyone else. I want to fix this, and I hope we can.”

Harry is speechless. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. Louis is trying his hardest to forgive him, to patch them up and make them whole again. It’s more than Harry could have ever asked for. Harry certainly doesn’t deserve Louis’ generosity, but he’s grateful for it.

“I am so fucking lucky to have you in my life, Louis. I’m so lucky that I found someone who loves me so much, through the thick and thin, even after something this awful. I can’t believe I forgot how lucky I am to have you. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did, but I’m so grateful that you’re trying to forgive me. I love you so much.”

“I can’t say it back yet, I just can’t, but I can appreciate what you’re saying,” Louis sighs shakily.

“I understand,” Harry says sadly. “But I want you to know that I love you, no matter what, and I’ve never stopped, and I never will. Do you get that? Please tell me you know that.”

“I know it,” Louis whispers and gives his hand another squeeze. “I know it.”

“Okay. Good. I’m glad,” Harry nods once. “I also wanted to say that I’m sorry about what went down today. I know you didn’t want that.”

“Harry, please don’t apologize. It isn’t like it was just you that wanted it. I wanted it, too. It was all in the heat of the moment, so don’t apologize for it. It’s been…a very, very long time for me. I’m not exactly happy it happened, but I think I needed it. We got it out of our system, though. We got a lot out in the open, so don’t apologize for it. It’s fine.”

“Okay. I hope I wasn’t too rough,” Harry worries his bottom lip.

“You were a little rough,” Louis cracks a small smile. “Never had sex like that, that’s for sure. But I’m sure I’ll survive.”

“I really hope so. There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about, though.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“It’s…it’s about your eating,” Harry says slowly. “I notice, you know. I notice that you don’t eat as much and that you’re avoiding all sweets. Even the kids notice it. What’s all that about? You and I both know you don’t need to lose any weight. In fact, if you lost any weight, I’d check you into rehabilitation. You’re already underweight.”

“Oh,” Louis murmurs, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “You’ve…noticed.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Harry says softly. “Care to explain?”

“It’s going to sound stupid,” Louis sighs.

“Try me.”

“I just…I thought maybe part of the reason you cheated on me was because of…of how I looked. I thought maybe Nathan had a better body than me. I mean, I did have five kids, my body doesn’t look the way it used to. I just thought that, maybe, if I looked more attractive, you’d find me attractive again.”

“Oh, Louis, no,” Harry sighs, kicking himself. He feels like the scum of the earth. “God, Louis, no. I never stopped finding you attractive. That was never the issue. You’re as gorgeous now as you were when I first met you, but I don’t want to see you sickly thin. I especially noticed today, seeing you so bare. I noticed how thin you’ve gotten, and it makes me worried. I want you to be happy and healthy and enjoy food. I don’t want you on some strict diet because you think it’ll make me happy. That’s not what I want at all. You are gorgeous, and I love you and your body. I loved how thick your thighs are and don’t even get me started on your curves. You can’t pretend that you don’t remember how absolutely crazy you drove me when you were pregnant. Oh my god, you were so round and thick and beautiful. I was obsessed with you, through every single one. How could you ever think I want you stick thin?”

“I forgot about your weird pregnancy kink,” Louis stifles a giggle, and Harry grins.

“Remember when Sophia was convinced you ate Gabriella and that’s why you were so big?” Harry asks.

“Yes,” Louis laughs. “She was so upset with me.”

_“Daddy, I have a question,” Sophia asked when Louis and Harry were tucking her into bed._

_“What is it, honey?” Louis asked, rubbing his belly. He only had three weeks left until the C-section, so he was just about ready to pop._

_“Why did you eat my sister?” she asked, looking deeply offended. Harry chuckled and Louis attempted to hold back his laughter. “Babies aren’t made for eating, daddy.”_

_“Soph,” Harry said, pushing her hair out of her face. “Daddy didn’t eat her.”_

_“Then why is she trapped in daddy’s tummy? How did she get in there?” she questioned, crossing her arms. Louis had looked at Harry and lifted his eyebrow with a smirk, allowing him to take over the answer of this difficult question._

_“Well,” Harry coughed awkwardly. “I used a special hose to plant a little seed inside daddy’s tummy and the seed grew into a little baby, and in a few weeks, the baby will come out just like you did. You were in daddy’s tummy, too, babe.”_

_“Oh,” Sophia said, seeming surprised that she, too, was in the same position. “Where do you get the seeds?”_

_“Lou? Want to tell her?” Harry asked, voice squeaking a little. He was at a loss._

_“I don’t know where you get the seeds, babe. They always seemed to show up surprisingly, so where do you get them? I’d like to know, too,” Louis smirked. Little shit._

_“I, uh, I buy them from a special shop. Only boys older than eighteen are allowed in there._

_“Oh,” Sophia seems to think about it but finally accepts his answer._

_“Get some sleep, sweetie. You have school in the morning,” Louis said, kissing her forehead._

_“Okay. Goodnight, daddy, night, papa,” she said, cuddling up with her stuffed giraffe._

_“Goodnight, princess. I love you,” Harry said softly, kissing her nose._

_“Love you, too,” she yawned. Louis gave her one last kiss and Harry helped him off the bed. He put a supportive hand on his back and lead them out of the room, shutting the lights off._

_“Seeds from a store?” Louis asked with a grin. “Special hose meaning your penis, then? Store being your balls?”_

_“If you want to get technical, yes,” Harry laughed. “Better than eating your own daughter.”_

_“I supposed,” Louis said softly. “What if I told you I want to maybe swallow your special seed? Suck your special hose into my mouth?”_

_“Why is this hot?” Harry groaned, annoyed. “This should definitely not be hot.”_

_“You were never picky,” Louis giggled, trailing his hand down and gripping Harry’s cock through his pants._

_“Yeah,” Harry nodded. “Bedroom.”_

“We did have some very hot sex during your pregnancies,” Harry murmurs, then changes the subject before he makes Louis uncomfortable. “So, if you want to make me happy, eat. Eat chocolate, eat dessert, eat cookies, eat what you want. Don’t get sick on me. Take care of yourself and your body, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Louis nods, sniffing. “I’m sorry. I knew it was irrational and stupid.”

“I get it. Just promise you’ll try and put some weight back on.”

“I promise,” Louis whispers.

It’s quiet for a long moment. Harry clears his throat and gives Louis’ hand a squeeze. They’re hands are still clasped together, and it feels so good. “I should probably head out. You’re probably tired and everything. I should get out of your hair.”

“You can stay, if you want,” Louis says quietly. “You can sleep in the guest bedroom. I’m sure the kids would like to see you tomorrow morning when they wake up. I mean, maybe not Luke and Soph, but the little ones would be happy. Unless you have work in the morning. You don’t have to.”

“Really?” Harry asks, shocked that Louis would ask him to actually sleep over. “No, I don’t have to be at the hospital until three in the afternoon. I can make breakfast and help you get the kids ready for school.”

“That sounds great,” Louis says, sounding a little relieved. 

“Hey, have you finished watching _Breaking Bad_ on Netflix? It’s okay if you watched it without me,” Harry says.

“No, I haven’t. I didn’t want to watch it without you,” Louis says softly, as if he’s embarrassed. Harry just smiles.

“Well, I didn’t want to watch it without you, either. Want to watch an episode before bed?”

“Yeah, I do,” Louis grins. “Miss watching it.”

“I’ll make us some tea.”  
*Louis*

_Being present physically but checked out emotionally isn’t a marriage. There is more than one way to leave a spouse. Neglect is one of those ways” - Shannon Thomas_

_“Good job, Gabby! Pass the ball!” Louis encouraged from the sideline, whistle dangling around his neck and reaching down to his round belly. It’s been two years of Louis coaching her soccer team, and all the kids love him. He was Lucas’s coach when he was younger, too, but Sophia hated the sport. Louis was so happy when Gabriella ran over to him in Toys R Us with a football in her hands and puppy dog eyes, begging Louis to buy it for her. He obviously couldn’t refuse that. Coaching gave Louis something to do in his free time and he got to spend more quality time with his daughter._

_Normally, coaching is one of the best parts of his week. This day, however, was a bit difficult. He was nearly nine months pregnant with another baby boy, his C-section only a week away. He already told Harry this would be their last one. This baby was a total accident, and both Louis and Harry were thrilled about it, but five kids was more than enough._

_Harry wasn’t at this game, which Gabriella stomped and pouted about when she saw him getting ready for work. She told Louis that she’s tired of him always working and she just wanted him to come see her play. Louis could empathize with her completely. He missed Harry dearly, and he was tired of feeling like a single father sometimes. But Harry was paged for emergency surgery, and Louis couldn’t very well tell him to let his patient die to attend his daughter’s football game. Harry promised her he’d be in attendance the weekend after. Louis was just as disappointed as Gabriella, but he was done arguing._

_“She’s doing well. She might even be better than her dad,” Liam said, coming up next to Louis. Louis rolled his eyes fondly._

_“She is good, isn’t she? She loves it,” he said, putting a hand underneath his belly and trying to sooth his kicking baby. “She’s just disappointed that Harry isn’t here.”_

_“Work again?”_

_“Surgery,” Louis sighed. “The kids never see him anymore. Hell, I don’t, either. But it isn’t like he can just stop saving lives to be with us. He does what he has to do.”_

_“I just thought he’d be around more, is all,” Liam shrugged._

_“Yeah, well, me too,” Louis sighed again. “Nothing we can do about it, unfortunately.”_

_They stood in comfortable silence for a while, cheering on the team and Louis giving advice to the kids. It hits Louis all at once when he feels a contraction. It isn’t just a practice contraction or anything like that. This is the real deal. He’s gone through it enough times to know, and he had a feeling this baby was moving quicker than some of his previous children. He grabbed at Liam’s hand and squeezed it, moaning in pain. Liam looked at him immediately, eyes wide with concern._

_“Lou? Lou? What’s wrong? Is it the baby?” he asked quickly._

_“Labor,” Louis wheezed, squeezing his eyes shut. “Coming now.”_

_“Okay, I’m going to drive you to the hospital and call Harry on the way, alright? Sophia will stay here with the kids and bring them after the game,” Liam said calmly. He’s gone through this three times with his own kids, so he knows the drill._

_“Okay,” Louis nodded frantically. “m’water just broke, Li. Fuck.”_

_“Better here than in my car,” Liam muttered, to which Louis glared. “Sorry, sorry. Hospital.”_

_Liam helped him over to Sophia, who was sitting in a chair with her sunglasses on and surrounded by their kids. Liam explained quickly that Louis was in labor and he’d be bringing him to the hospital. Sophia clapped with excitement and told them to go and that she’d handle the kids. She gave Liam a quick kiss before shooing them off._

_“Fuck, I am never doing this again,” Louis huffed when they’re on their way to the hospital. He rubbed his stomach with one hand and gripped the car door handle with the other. He was already sweating._

_“Said that last time,” Liam noted._

_“Wasn’t my fucking fault,” Louis growled. “I swear I will pee in your car if you don’t shut up and drive.”_

_“Alright, alright, sorry, geez,” Liam said. Louis dialed Harry’s number, but of course, he didn’t answer, because he keeps his phone off during surgery, obviously. Louis thought it was stupid, considering they have four kids and one on the way, and he should at least keep it on for emergencies such as this one._

_“Phone is still off,” Louis muttered angrily, trying to breathe deeply. “Good fucking thing he works there.”_

_“Just a few more minutes and once we get you settled we’ll have him paged,” Liam said soothingly._

_“He isn’t going to miss this birth because this is the last goddamn one I’m having. This is it,” Louis snaps._

_Louis is brought into a private room right away, since he is Dr. Harry Styles’ husband. They page Harry for him, but he didn’t show up. So Louis used Liam instead, clutching his hand and screaming in pain._

_Harry didn’t show up until almost two hours later, walking over and taking his hand. He kissed his sweaty forehead quickly._

_“Hey, I’m so sorry I’m late. It took longer than it was supposed to. I would have been here. You’re a week early, though. You weren’t scheduled for surgery until the 25th.”_

_“Yeah, I’m aware, thanks,” Louis snapped, then sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. There’s a baby attempting to make its way out of me.”_

_“Everything is going to be fine,” Harry said, kissing him._

_They never talked about it. Never talked about how upset Louis was that Harry wasn’t by his side right away. Maybe it was selfish, but for the other four, he was always there coaching him on. Everything was different, and it was the beginning of the end._

*Harry*

_When people have too many choices, they make bad choices” - Thom Browne_

“Hi, I’m Dr. Evans. You must be Louis and Harry Styles,” the therapist speaks while walking into the small room, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor.

“Yes, we are. It’s nice to meet you,” Harry says, shaking her hand and Louis follows suit. She sits down and crosses her legs, giving the couple a once over. Harry already feels like he’s being judged. He hates this.

“I just want to start off by saying, the fact that you two were able to recognize that you needed help and reached out for it is admirable. It means you want to save what you have, save your marriage, and continue to love each other. It shows your strength. Just remember that,” she tells them, sounding so genuine. Harry isn’t sure if she’ll be singing the same tune when she finds out why exactly they’re here.

“So, let’s start with how long you’ve been together.”

“Twenty years,” Louis says softly, playing with his hands in his lap. He’s visibly uncomfortable and tense.

“And when did the marriage begin to have issues? When did you see the relationship friction occur?” she asks, scribbling something down on the notepad in her lap. Harry hates that she’s writing things down, keeping note of how broken his and Louis’ marriage is.

“After our son Joshua was born,” Louis tells her. “A year and a half ago.”

“Is there a reason the friction came about? Did something trigger it, or did it just seem to grow every day?”

Louis looks over at Harry, his eyes burning into him. Harry coughs into his fast and fixes his eyes on the ground. He swallows before speaking. “I, um, there was a man at work that I was…seeing.”

“Say it, Harry. You _fucked_ him. You fucked him behind my back for a year while I was taking care of your five kids,” Louis barks. His face is red and his eyes are full of rage. Harry can’t make direct eye contact with him.

“Harry,” Dr. Evans says softly. “Do you have anything you’d like to say to that?”

Silence.

“Of course he doesn’t!” Louis shouts. “He’s a fucking coward! He just wants me to crawl back to him and forgive him for his wrongs and I won’t do that! I absolutely won’t forgive him that easily,” Louis seethes. Harry is still looking down, his heart pounding in his chest. “Look at me!”

Harry winces and looks up at Louis, and everything else is out of focus. He sees the look in Louis’ eyes, the look he’s only seen once before.  
_  
“Oh, mum, this is Louis. He’s my…my best friend,” Harry said, swallowing thickly. Louis’ eyes flicked down to the floor and then back to Anne._

_“Nice to meet you,” he said quietly, shaking her hand._

_“You too, Louis,” she smiled kindly. “I’ll leave you two alone, I’m sure with midterms coming up you’re busy and need quiet time to study.”_

_“Yeah, thanks, mum. I’ll see you soon,” Harry said, hugging her tightly. “Love you.”_

_“I love you, too. Call me tomorrow, yeah?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“Bye, Louis! It was so nice meeting you. I hope we can see each other again soon,” she smiled, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.”_

_“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Louis said, forcing a smile back. With one last kiss on Harry’s cheek, she left the room. When the door closed, Louis looked at Harry with so much emotion in his eyes: betrayal, anger, hurt, and disappointment, all in one heart-wrenching look._

_“What’s wrong, babe?” Harry asked, but he already knew._

_“What’s wrong? Harry, you told me you were going to tell her about us! You said you were tired of lying to your family and once we told my family, we would tell yours. Obviously you’re not over your stupid insecurity about this and you’re ashamed of us, or me, for that matter,” Louis said, crossing his arms. His eyes were so fierce it almost brought Harry to his knees._

_“No,” Harry’s voice cracked. “I’m not ashamed of you, baby, you know that. I told you I’m not insecure anymore, I’m over that. I know it’s okay now, and I love you. You know that already.”_

_“Then why didn’t you tell her?” Louis whispered, his eyes glazing over with tears._

_“I panicked, Louis, I don’t know. I’m just afraid that…I don’t know what I’m afraid of, exactly, but I know I’m scared,” Harry sighed deeply, sitting down on his bed and putting his head in his hands._

_“Harry,” Louis was near tears and sat down besides Harry, putting his hand between Harry’s shoulders. “We talked about this already. There’s nothing to be afraid of, okay? She loves you so much, and I love you, and your family will never stop loving you simply because of who you love. She has the right to know. But lying to your mum right in front of me, after everything we’ve been through, feels like a slap in the face. It’s kind of shitty, don’t you think? I thought I deserved better than that. I thought we both did.”_

_“You do, we do,” Harry said quickly. “I’m just an idiot. I’ll call her and tell her right now. I’m sorry.”_

_“You’ll do it now?” Louis asked quietly after a brief pause. Harry pulled Louis into his chest and kissed his forehead._

_“Yeah, if that’s what you want. If that’s what will make you happy, that’s what I’ll do.”_

_“It would make me very happy,” Louis whispered and Harry kissed him._

_After Harry called his mother and Louis talked to her more about her son, things were easy and simple. There was no more lying, no more secrets, and everyone was happy. The look of disappointment and hurt in Louis’ eyes turned into a fond, soft one that Harry lived for. It was a simple fix that made Louis so happy.  
_  
Now, that look of betrayal is back, with disappointment and anger and hurt mixed in. Harry made it happen in the worst possible way, and there is no easy fix to this one. Harry can’t just make a simple phone call, give Louis and kiss, and move on.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispers, looking down again. “I’m so sorry.”

“That’s all he seems to do is apologize, like that’s going to fix us,” Louis snaps. “It’s not, Harry. You chose to carry out an affair with another man for an entire year. You were never sorry then, you can’t magically be sorry now. It isn’t that easy.”

“But I am sorry,” Harry insists. 

“Prove it, then!”

“I’m trying to, Louis! I’m here, aren’t I? Give me some time to prove it!” Harry shouts.

“Okay, okay,” the doctor interrupts softly. “This is good. You need to get your feelings out and yelling can help you feel calmer. I would avoid yelling in front of your kids, but this is a safe space, and you can do whatever you need to do here. We need to bring all these feelings up to the surface and figure out how we can make this better.”

“I just wish he would give me a chance to show him how good I can be,” Harry says slowly, looking down at the floor again. “I just need some time to prove myself worthy again.”

“You shouldn’t have to be proving anything, though. You should have been my husband for the last year and a half, not a stranger,” Louis nearly whimpers. “You did this to yourself.”

“I know I did, Louis, okay? I know that. You don’t have to remind me. I know I fucked up and I’m an idiot for it, alright? Is that what you want to hear?” Harry asks.

“I don’t know what I want, okay? I want to take back this whole year and a half and redo it, fix it somehow, I don’t know. Maybe if I knew this would have happened, I wouldn’t have had Joshua,” Louis takes a deep breath.

“You know that was my fault,” Harry whispers. “You know I didn’t check the expiration date on the condom, that’s on me. I don’t regret it at all, though, Louis, you know that. God, I love all of them more than anything in this world. I wouldn’t change that for anything, I just got selfish.”

“You expected me to be perfect and I’m just not,” Louis sobs, wiping his wet cheeks.

“I never expected that of you,” Harry says gently. “what makes you think that?”

“You wanted me to raise five kids on my own and still have time for you. I just can’t do it all, and you cheated on me because of that. It isn’t fair.”

“Harry, is that why you cheated?” Dr. Evans asks.

“I don’t know,” Harry sighs. “Maybe. I just felt alone, and Nathan was there. Louis was busy and I just felt like we were drifting apart and when Nathan came onto me, I didn’t know how to say no. I missed feeling like a husband.”

“Well, at least you’re honest,” Louis scoffs. “Sorry I was busy raising four kids and a newborn by myself. You think I felt like much of a husband?”

“No, but-“ Harry starts, but Dr. Evan cuts him off. “Okay, we can’t turn back time, so I think we need to work on moving forward. Now, Nathan, is it? Is he out of the picture?”

“Yes, I broke it off with him, and now I’m committed to fixing our marriage,” Harry says calmly.

“Which will take a lot of time. Louis is going to have to learn to trust you again and when you’ve been married for so long, it makes it difficult. But I think this is fixable if we do it right,” Dr. Evans reassures. Harry doesn’t know if he can believe her.

The session is full of yelling and crying, but they both leave feeling a little lighter. The silence on the drive back isn’t as tense anymore; it’s a little more breathable, even if it isn’t by much.

“You think we’re going to make it through this, don’t you?” Louis asks quietly, refusing to look over at Harry. Harry reaches his hand over the middle console and intertwines their fingers. Louis doesn’t pull away, just lets out a small breath.

“Yeah, I do.”  
~  
_”Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday” - Noelle, age 7_

_“Harry! Get your sorry ass down here!” Louis yelled from outside of Harry’s dorm building. Harry stuck his head out of the window, looking down five stories below at his boyfriend shuffling a football between his feet._

_“I’ve got an exam to study for, Lou,” Harry sighed, putting his chin in his hand. “Go play with Li, Zayn, and Niall.”_

_“I want to play with you! Just an hour! Come get some fresh air! You’ve got to take your nose out of those books at some point. Can’t relive college, babe!” Louis grinned._

_Harry sighed happily. “I’m only coming down because everyone on campus can probably hear your loud mouth,” Harry teased. Louis laughed loudly, as if to prove his point, and Harry swears he winked. He threw on a hoodie and puts on a pair of sneakers, running down the stairs. When he came out of the front door, Louis tackled him and kissed him hard. Harry laughed, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and picking him up._

_“Hello to you, too,” Harry teased, putting him back on the ground. “What a great way to be greeted.”_

_“Well, I was more in it for the kissing than for the footie,” Louis admitted with a cheeky grin. “C’mon, you need a break. I miss you. Plus, if you play your cards right, I’ll treat you to a blowie before you have to go back to studying.”_

_Harry laughed and linked their hands together, walking to the quad. “I know, baby, I miss you too. These exams are kicking my arse, though.”_

_“Hey, you’re the one who wants to be a doctor, weirdo,” Louis grinned._

_“I just like helping people. And when our kids get sick, we won’t have to rush to the doctor, because they’ll have me. No panicking needed.”_

_“Kids?” Louis smiled up at him, shining like the sun. “How many were you thinking?”_

_“I don’t know,” Harry shrugged, blushing lightly. Kids aren’t exactly something they’ve discussed before. “I love kids. I mean, I know we haven’t talked about it, since it’s so early and far off, but I’d like a big family.”_

_“I’d like that, too,” Louis said softly, squeezing Harry’s hand. “As many as you want.”_

_“Yeah?” Harry grinned, turning and pulling Louis in by the waist. “Even if I want 25?”_

_“Maybe, we’ll see. I love kids as well, and if I get to have them with you, then that’s just a plus,” Louis smiled fondly._

_“Good, I wasn’t giving you the option.”  
_  
*Louis*

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for” - Bob Marley

“What do you want for dinner, Joshy?” Louis asks his toddler, pushing the cart down the aisle of the grocery store. Harry is performing surgery on a patient today, but Louis invited him over for dinner when he’s done. Harry talks about his patients with more emotion, which is a relief to Louis. He isn’t as distanced from his patients anymore.

It’s been a month since Louis and Harry’s big talk, and even though things are moving slow, it’s a step forward. It’s nice to have Harry around the house again, even if for a few hours a day. The little ones are so happy to have him around again. He puts them to bed whenever he isn’t working, reads Harry Potter with Gabriella, lets Jake pick out a book every night and cuddles with him and Josh in the rocking chair. Lucas and Sophia mostly ignore Harry, but Sophia is making a valiant effort to be a bit kinder, thanks to the talk Louis had with her, explaining that Harry would be around more often and he’s appreciate it if she could put the effort into forgiving him.

Joshua looks up at Louis with his big, blue eyes and giggles, his teething ring fit in his mouth. Louis smiles down at him and sighs. He wanders around the aisle, silently making a menu for dinner in his head and thinks about what they need at home. He reaches for a bundle of kale when he feels a cart bump into his side. He winces and looks to see what asshole wasn’t paying attention.

“Whoops, didn’t see you there,” Nathan smirks.

“Oh, it’s you,” Louis swallows, turning back to the kale. Maybe if he just ignores him, he’ll go away. No such luck, it seems.

“How is your marriage? Has Harry left you yet?” Nathan asks with a mocking frown.

“No, he hasn’t, and he hasn’t run back to you, either, so I think I’m winning,” Louis says, refusing to make eye contact with him and instead bagging up the kale.

“He cheated on you, so obviously not everything is peachy with you and your fucked up family.”

“Alright, that’s enough. I’ve got my baby with me, what kind of jerk are you? Harry is never going back to you, so you should just give it up. Find another family to try and tear apart because this one is patching up just fine,” Louis snaps. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have food shopping to do for my husband and kids.”

Before Louis gets a chance to turn around, Nathan is speaking again. “I bet Harry told me he loved me more often than he told you, though. That’s gotta hurt, yeah? He told me you stopped caring about him and I was there to care for him when you were too busy with your precious kids. That’s rough, innit? Knowing your husband is better off with someone else?”

Louis sees red. He turns to address him once again. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I did absolutely nothing to you. You were the one who went after a married man. If you’re heartbroken, I have no sympathy for you. You knew what you were getting into. I want you to stay out of all of our lives and move on. Learn to be a grown up, maybe,” Louis says harshly, narrowing his eyes and pushing his cart away.

Louis finishes his grocery shopping as quickly as possible and gets to his car. He straps Joshua into his car seat and gets himself into the driver’s seat. Once he closes the car door, he allows himself to burst into tears. Harry loved someone that wasn’t him, even if he doesn’t love him anymore. It’s not fair, none of it is fair. He keeps trying to forgive and forget, but there’s always something to remind him that it happened, and that nothing is okay yet. He just wants to move on, but it seems impossible.

He hears Joshua babbling behind him and says, “Daddy?”

“I’m okay, sweetheart,” Louis sniffs. “We’re going to go home now, okay?”

“Hooome,” Joshua sings and Louis smiles wetly. At least he has the best kids in the entire world.

Louis cooks dinner with Joshua playing in his high chair, snacking on a banana. Gabriella sets the table and tells Louis all about her day at school and her new friend Cody. Louis responds at all the right times and tries to be as animated as possible, but his whole body is tense from the encounter at Tesco’s. He knows he has to talk to Harry about it, but he doesn’t know how to approach it. Everything has been so difficult and Louis is drained.

“Is papa coming over for dinner tonight?” Gabriella asks.

“Yeah, sweetie,” Louis says looking at the clock above the sink. “He should be home in a few minutes.”

“Are you still mad at him?”

“No, sweetie, not anymore,” Louis says softly, tossing the salad. It may be a small lie, but she doesn’t need the whole truth.

“Why did you have a big fight?”

“We all fight with people we love, Gabby. Papa and daddy love each other very much and that’s why we fight,” Louis says.

“Love is confusing,” Gabriella sighs. “Fighting doesn’t sound like love. I hope I never fall in love.”

“Gabby,” Louis laughs. “Love is a very good thing, honey. Fighting is just part of it, but if papa and I weren’t in love, you wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t have any of you kids.”

“Oh. That makes sense,” Gabriella shrugs.

Harry comes in a little while later, just as Louis is putting the food on the table. Harry hangs his lab coat on the coat rack and walks into the kitchen.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Smells amazing in here.”

“Thank you. How did the surgery go?” Louis asks, facing Harry.

“Good, it was really successful. He’s staying overnight so they can keep an eye on him and he’ll be sent home in the morning.”

“That’s good,” Louis says. “Glad you were able to help him.”

“Yeah. How was your day?” Harry asks.

“Eventful,” Louis says dryly. “I have to talk to you after dinner.”

“Is everything alright?” Harry asks, concerned.

“No, not really, but I just want to enjoy dinner before we get into it,” Louis sighs.

“Okay, that’s fine. We’ll talk,” Harry assures him. “But hey, whatever it is, I love you, okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis chokes. Harry puts a comforting hand on Louis’ lower back for a moment before pulling away.

“I’ll go get the kids.”

Harry calls the kids for dinner and sets up Joshua with cut-up food and a sippy cup. Harry asks them how their day was and nods along to their stories, chewing happily. He eyes Louis every so often to check up on him and Louis just nods a little for some reassurement. Louis catches the way Lucas huffs under his breath and rolls his eyes. He makes a mental note to have a talk with him later on about his behavior.

After dinner, Sophia offers to help Harry clean up. It’s a pleasant surprise. Their talk really must have rubbed off on her. Louis takes Joshua to the living room and waits there for Harry to finish up. He tries to think of what he’s going to say to Harry, and keeps replaying the events of the day in his head. He feels so, so tired and just wants to sleep for three days and pretend none of this ever happened. He wishes loving Harry was as easy as it used to be.

“I’m done,” Harry says softly, coming into the living room. “Kids are finishing up their homework. Do you want to talk now?”

“Yeah, sit down,” Louis says quietly, turning himself on the couch. Harry sits beside him and intertwines their fingers and gives it a squeeze for comfort.

“What’s wrong, Lou? You’ve seemed so off, so I know it’s something bad,” Harry says, stroking his knuckles with his thumb.

“I saw Nathan at Tesco’s,” Louis whispers, biting his bottom lip.

“Oh no,” Harry mumbles. “What happened? What did he to do you?”

“He said some pretty nasty things,” Louis says with a shaky voice. “He seemed to have a lot to say, like how he was better for you and you had to run to him to get the attention and love you needed, how often you said…how often you told him you…you loved him.”

“Louis,” Harry breathes, going to pull Louis into a hug, but Louis pushes him off as he begins to cry, despite his best efforts not to.

“No, you can’t fix this with a hug,” Louis sobs, pulling his hand out of Harry’s grasp. “You loved him and you said it to him more than you said it to me. he was treated so much better than your own husband, and I don’t know how to forgive and forget that.”

“Louis, listen,” Harry tries but Louis continues.

“It’s not fair! You were off being so loved this whole time by both me and him, while I had no one but the kids. This wasn’t just for sex, you loved him! You loved another man and you’re _my_ husband, not his!” Louis screams brokenly. “How am I supposed to stay with someone who hurt me so much and loved someone else?”

“I don’t love him anymore.”

“That’s not the point! I’m always going to worry that I’m not enough and you can easily love someone else. I would rather be alone than not love you anymore,” Louis chokes. It feels like his heart is tearing itself up.

“I love you so much,” Harry says slowly, voice breaking and tears falling down his cheeks. “Baby, I never stopped loving you.”

“You don’t get it!” Louis snaps. He stands up and wipes his eyes angrily. “You will never get it. I don’t want to stay in a relationship like this. I wish I could have the power to walk out of here and make you suffer alone, but I don’t. I’m not strong enough to do that, because I still love you, and I can’t understand why.”

Louis storms upstairs and turns on the shower as hot as it will go. He strips his clothes off and gets into the steaming hot water, falling against the tile wall and sobbing loudly. He so badly wants to forgive Harry and put everything past them, but he just can’t.

*Harry*

_“He never knew a single second could be expanded into something timeless and so archaic. It shook him to his core—there were no words for it” - Dianna Hardy”_

_The first time they had real sex wasn’t for a few months. They gave each other handjobs and blowjobs and made out an alarming amount, but it was a while before they had actual, penetrative sex. Harry thought it was because Louis didn’t_ want _to have that intimacy with him. Maybe he was more invested than Louis was, maybe Louis didn’t like him as much as Harry thought he did._

_It wasn’t like Louis was a virgin or anything. Harry had heard plenty of stories about him, especially from Niall, Liam, and Zayn. Louis may have had what some may consider a slutty past, but Harry is the last person to judge anyone. He absolutely didn’t care about who Louis has slept with, as long as Harry was the only one he was sleeping with for as long as they’re together._

_Every time Harry tried to push things further, Louis would gently stop him. They never talked about it, but it made Harry worry he just wasn’t good enough for him. But, exactly four months after they first met, Louis opened up about it. They were hanging out in his room, finally finished with their hectic, stressful week. The plan was to order pizza and drink wine in bed while watching Netflix._

_“Hey, so,” Louis grabbed Harry’s hand and stroked his knuckles with his thumb. “I wanted to talk to you.”_

_“Okay…” Harry said slowly. He could feel his palms start to sweat. It’s only been four months, but he was pretty sure he was already in love with Louis. He didn’t think he could handle Louis breaking up with him. It would devastate him._

_“Oh, god, Harry, I can_ see _what you’re thinking. Relax, babe, I’m not breaking up with you. I would be stupid to do that,” Louis gave him a soft smile. “You can unclench.”_

_Harry laughed and shook his head a little. “Phew, okay. Glad to hear it. A word of advice for the future, maybe don’t make conversations sound so ominous by starting with ‘I wanted to talk to you’.”_

_“Noted,” Louis grinned. “Seriously, though. I think you’ll like this conversation.”_

_“Alright, I’m listening.”_

_“I don’t want you to think we haven’t had sex yet because I don’t want to. It’s the complete opposite of that. I like you more than I’ve liked anyone, and I didn’t want to ruin what we had by jumping into sex too quickly. I wanted to make sure we had time together before we took it all the way. I wanted us to get to know each other first. I hope you can understand.”_

_“Of course I can, Lou. There’s no pressure. We never have to have sex, if that’s what you want. That doesn’t matter to me at all. I just didn’t want it to be because you didn’t like me.”_

_“Are you crazy? I can’t wait to have sex with you. It’s been driving me mad stopping you from going further when I so badly wanted to do more. But now I know how well we work together, even without sex. So, imagine how much better we could get with sex…”_

_His fingers trailed up Harry’s thigh and near his very interested cock. Harry smirked and put a hand on the side of Louis’ face._

_“I’m having a hard time imagining, I think you’re going to have to actually show me.”_

_“No creativity in you,” Louis sighed teasingly. “Guess I will have to show you.”_

_“Do you have stuff?” Harry murmured, pressing his lips to Louis’ jaw._

_“Yeah,” Louis breathed. “Just want you. Want you so badly.”_

_“Want you, too,” Harry sucked at Louis’ neck. “Have since day one. So lucky to have you, so fucking lucky.”_

_“Yeah, you are,” Louis smirked and pushed his hand through Harry’s hair. “Remember that.”_

_“I’ll never forget it,” Harry promised. Who knew that he would, actually, forget._

_Harry grabbed a condom and the bottle of lube Louis had in his nightstand and put it besides them on the small single bed. “How do you want me?”_

_“Wanna see your face,” Louis said softly, rubbing his thumb along Harry’s jaw._

_“Was hoping you’d say that,” Harry smiled, squeezing Louis’ hip. Louis dragged his hands down Harry’s body and grabbed at the hem of his t-shirt. He pulled at it and Harry took the hint, sitting back on his heels and pulling his shirt the rest of the way off. He tossed it off to the side then took off Louis’. He kissed down Louis’ chest and abdomen, biting tenderly at the soft skin of his stomach. Louis’ hands threaded into Harry’s hair once again while he purred happily. Harry’s hand worked at Louis’ zipper, peeling his skin-tight jeans off of his legs. He squeezed Louis through his briefs before removing those as well. Louis lifted his hips to help him, then spread his thighs apart, open and waiting._

_“God, have I told you how fucking gorgeous you are lately? Because you absolutely are. You drive me insane. I’m not sure how I get through a day with you around,” Harry said, taking Louis into his hand and slicking him up with his precome._

_“Not sure how you can get any work done, really,” Louis smirked, but his voice was breathy._

_“Me either.”_

_Harry kissed back up his body until he reached his lips, letting them meet briefly. While hovering over Louis’ naked body, Louis’ hands worked at taking Harry’s pants off. Harry reached for the lube and uncapped it, coating his fingers liberally._

_“Let me know if it’s too much,” Harry murmured, circling his fingers against Louis puckered hole._

_“Won’t be,” Louis assured him. “Done this plenty of times.”_

_“I don’t think talking about your experiences with other guys is the best way to turn your boyfriend on, you know.”_

_“I meant to myself, Harry.”_

_“Oh,” Harry said, more interested now. “Okay, that you can tell me all about.”_

_Louis giggled, which was cut short when Harry’s finger pressed into him. Harry kicked off his own pants, finally freeing his own aching cock._

_“Do you do it a lot? Fuck yourself?” Harry asked, his voice dark._

_“Has been a lot more frequent the past four months, that’s for sure,” Louis replied. “Seeing you every day without touching you drove me crazy. You weren’t the only one gagging for it. Kept thinking of you.”_

_“Yeah, baby? Thought of your fingers as mine?”_

_“And thought of my dildo as your dick,” Louis batted his eyelashes at Harry, who groaned in response._

_“You have a dildo? I’m going to need to see that sometime.”_

_“It really isn’t interesting. It’s nothing compared to you, trust me on that.”_

_“I gotta say, that makes me feel better. No competition.”_

_“It’s a piece of silicone, love. The real thing is much better.”_

_“Just gotta make sure,” Harry laughed._

_“No competition at all.”_

_Harry pressed a second finger into Louis’ warmth, scissoring them carefully, ensuring that Louis won’t be in any pain._

_“You’re so good at this,” Louis whispered. “Most guys just rush through this part, just want to get inside.”_

_“I thought you knew by now that I’m not like other guys,” Harry smiled softly. “Gotta make sure my boy isn’t in any pain. Wanna make this good for you, too. This isn’t just about me, Lou. Want you to feel good.”_

_“I do, I do,” Louis assured him. “No idea how good.”_

_“Glad to hear that,” Harry smiled, kissing the dips of Louis’ collarbones. He slipped in a third finger, causing Louis to mewl and grip the sheets. His eyes closed, his eyelashes fanning over his cheekbones. Harry is dating an actual angel._

_“’m ready, Harry. Please. Need you inside me,” Louis begged, actually begged. His face was shiny with sweat and his hair sticking up in different directions. His pupils were blown and his eyes glassy. He was the definition of sexy._

_“Okay, okay, I’ve got you,” Harry shushed him gently. He grabbed the condom from beside Louis, putting a drop of lube into it before rolling it onto himself. He hissed with how good it felt to be touched. He was so focused on Louis he forgot about his own erection._

_Louis spread his legs impossibly further, holding the back of his thighs. He blinked up at Harry, who nearly came from the sight of it. He lined himself up and pressed into Louis carefully. He had to bite his lip to calm himself down. Louis was so tight around him, so warm and velvety. Harry put his forearms next to Louis’ head and pushed his hips in fully. Louis let out a high-pitched whine, rolling his head to one side._

_“Is it too much?” Harry panted out._

_“No, no, no,” Louis shook his head. “So good.”_

_Harry grinned and started to rock his hips. He got into a rhythm, slow but with purpose. Louis’ whole body moved with each thrust, pushing him further up the bed. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist and dug his fingers into Harry’s shoulders._

_“Yeah, oh god, yeah, that’s so good, just like that,” Louis babbled, clenching around Harry. Harry obeyed, fucking into him hard and quick, but pulling out slowly and gently. He panted into Louis’ ear, his biceps straining with the effort to hold himself up. His belly burned with his impending orgasm and sweat formed between his brows._

_“Harry, baby, ‘m so close,” Louis gasped, his fingernails digging into Harry’s skin._

_“Me, too,” Harry groaned. He pushed himself up and sat on his knees, pulling Louis by the hips to bring his body closer. He fucked into him faster, Louis’ cock bouncing against his stomach with each thrust. Louis gripped the sheets again, clearly needing something to hold onto. He clenched around Harry harder, and without any warning, he cried out, his cock spurting ribbons of white all over his belly. Harry stopped thrusting, too stunned to continue. Louis came completely untouched. He came just by Harry fucking him. It was the first time Harry was ever able to do that for someone. Louis looked so completely blissed out, his eyes closed and his chest heaving. Harry started to thrust again slowly and Louis whined because of the sensitivity._

_“Is this okay?” Harry asked, voice gravelly._

_“Yeah,” Louis squeaked. “Want you to come. ‘m fine.”_

_Louis’ cock began to soften from exhaustion, but continued to moan despite it. It didn’t take Harry long to push himself inside fully and shudder with the force of his orgasm. He rolled his hips to ride it out, Louis watching him with interest. Louis reached out and stroked Harry’s side, breathing deeply._

_Harry pulled out carefully and Louis whined softly. Harry tied off the condom and threw it out before pulling Louis into his arms and against his chest._

_“That was…I don’t even have words,” Harry said, in a post-orgasm haze. “You came untouched.”_

_“I did,” Louis murmured._

_“Have you ever done that?”_

_“Yeah. But no one has ever made me do it. I’ve been able to do it to myself, but never with someone else. You’re the first guy who’s been able to get me off like that,” Louis whispered, like it was a sacred secret._

_“Well, I have to say, this is wonderful for my self-esteem.”_

_Louis giggled, pressing his face into Harry’s chest. “It should be. Great job.”_

_After a few minutes of silence, Louis spoke up again, sounding much more serious._

_“Can I tell you something? It’s…pretty important.”_

_“You can tell me anything, you know that,” Harry murmured comfortingly, pressing a kiss to Louis’ sweaty forehead._

_“I just want you to know that I’m…I’m a carrier. So, like, just so you’re aware. I’m on the pill and stuff, but, we have to make sure we use condoms. Just in case.”_

_Harry grinned so wide he thought his cheeks would crack. “You’re a carrier?”_

_“…Yes. Why are you looking at me like that?”_

_“It’s just…you could have my babies, is all. Wow. Okay, that was so stupid to say. I didn’t think about how that would come off. I’m not saying you need to have my babies right now, or ever, actually. Fuck, you probably want to run out of here, don’t you? Did I fuck this all up?”_

_Louis shut him up with a kiss._

_“I think you’re doing better than you think you are,” Louis whispered. “Treat me right, and one day, I would love to have your babies.”_

_Harry didn’t know what to say, so he kissed him instead._

*Louis*

_“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase” – John Green_

“Jakey, what’s wrong?” Louis asks, turning over in bed and seeing his son crack the door open.

“I had a bad dream,” Jake says, sniffling. He’s been crying.

“C’mere, honey. You can stay with me tonight,” Louis says. Jake gets into bed and Louis pulls him into his chest and rubs his back. “Daddy will protect you. Do you want to tell me what your bad dream was?”

“Papa stopped coming over. He went bye bye and didn’t come back,” Jake sniffs again, obviously very shaken up by the thought of his father leaving for good.

“Oh, sweetheart, that won’t happen. Papa is never going to leave us, okay? He’s always going to be around and he’s always going to love you,” Louis says softly, wiping some curls from his eyes.

“Promise?” Jake asks softly.

“Yes, love, I promise. C’mon, let’s try to sleep,” Louis soothes, kissing his forehead.

“Daddy?” Jake asks.

“What is it, sweetie?”

“When is papa going to live here again? Why doesn’t he live here anymore? Why don’t you sleep in the same bed anymore?” Jake fires question after question, panic in his voice.

“Well, daddy hasn’t been sleeping well, so papa lets me sleep alone. But I think papa is going to live here again really soon. Would you like that?” Louis asks, rubbing his back to soothe his son.

“Yes!” Jake shouts. “Please?”

“Alright, honey, okay. I’ll talk to papa tomorrow morning. He told me that he’s going to make waffles for breakfast tomorrow, and I know those are your favorite, but you won’t be able to have them if you don’t get to sleep soon.”

“Yum! Okay, okay, I’ll sleep now.”

“Goodnight, baby,” Louis smiles. Jake is asleep within minutes.

The next morning, Louis wakes up to Harry making waffles, as he promised. He sneaks behind him and pats his side.

“Hey, I need to talk to you after breakfast.”

“Oh, okay. I actually wanted to talk to you, too, so that works out.”

“Is everything okay?” Louis asks, suddenly nervous.

“Yeah, everything is good,” Harry promises with a smile. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

The kids all come down to eat their meal, which is a pleasant surprise in itself. It’s a Saturday, so normally, Lucas and Sophia would still be asleep at 10AM, but they’ve decided to join in. Louis thinks it must be the smell of Harry’s waffles that they’re unable to resist. Harry makes the best waffles. Ever.

“I was thinking of going to the zoo today,” Harry says after taking a sip of tea. Joshua absolutely flips.

“Can I come?!”

“Well, of course! Gabby, would you like to come?”

“Yes! I want to see the elephants!”

“Josh? Do you want to come?”

Joshua just flashes him a toothy grin and claps his hand. That seems to be a good enough answer for Harry.

“Lou? Want to join in on the fun? If you come I can promise there will be a soft pretzel in your future.”

Honestly, how could Louis say no? His kids were so excited about it, and it would be nice to get out and do something fun as a family.

“I’ll only go if Luke and Sophia are coming,” he says, eyeing his eldest. That should do the trick.

“Do we have to?” Lucas says, sounding bored. “I’ll go if he’s not,” he points his fork at Harry. Ouch. Louis really has to have a long talk with him.

“I want to go,” Sophia speaks up. “They’re having a limited time interactive penguin exhibit.”

“Well, I guess it’s all up to Luke, then,” Louis says, giving him a stern look. “Everyone else wants to go.”

“Fine,” Lucas huffs. “I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”

“That’s the spirit,” Harry says, smiling. It’s obvious he’s trying really hard not to look too hurt about the whole thing.

“Lucas, I want to speak to you after breakfast,” Louis says.

“Why? What did I do?” Lucas asks defensively. Louis does not love the attitude.

“We will discuss it in private.”

After breakfast, Louis asks Sophia and Gabriella to help Harry clean up while he speaks to Lucas.

“I’ll talk to you after. Don’t think I forgot about you,” Louis tells Harry quietly.

“I can wait,” Harry gives him a small smile. “Take your time.”

“Thanks. Luke, come with me, please.”

Louis walks into the living room and can hear Lucas trailing behind him. Louis sits on the couch and pats the seat next to him. Lucas sighs and plops down next to him, looking ahead at the wall instead of at Louis.

“I think we need to talk about your behavior lately. I don’t love how you’ve been talking to your father. I know you’re angry with him, but he’s still your father, and he deserves respect. If I can make the effort to try and forgive him, you have to, as well. You’re really hurting him, babe.”

“Well, he hurt you, didn’t he? Why do I have to respect him?” Lucas snaps.

“Hey, watch it, Luke. No matter what happened between your father and I, he’s still your father and deserves your respect. What happened is between the two of us and it shouldn’t involve you. I’m sorry that you’ve been brought into this, but your father is trying really hard to right his wrongs, but he can’t do it if you’re being this stubborn.”

“I…,” Lucas sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“I know, baby,” Louis murmurs and pulls his son into a hug. “I know. Things have been so hard lately, and I know that. But I want us to be normal again. I want to fix this, but I can’t fix it without your help. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, I do,” Lucas sighs again.

“Alright. I’m going to talk to papa for a little while, but I think you should talk to him and apologize. He’s really been taking this hard.”

“Fine, okay, I will.”

“Thank you.”

Louis kisses his forehead. “Alright, now go get ready for the zoo.”

Lucas leaves the room and Louis stands up. Harry is drying his hand on a dish towel when he walks in.

“Wanna talk now?” Louis asks.

“Yeah, yeah. Soph, Gabby, why don’t you go get ready?”

They scurry off and Harry and Louis return to the living room. They sit on the couch and turn towards each other.

“Do you want to go first?” Harry asks.

“Um, yeah, sure,” Louis clears his throat. “Okay. I’m just going to come out and say it. I want you to move back in. I think it’ll be good for us and the kids.”

“Really?” Harry asks, his eyes wide. “You’re…you’re sure? How did you decide this?”

“Jake, actually. He had a nightmare last night about you leaving and never coming back, and he kept asking questions like why you don’t live here and if you were ever coming back. I think this is too hard on them, and it’s unfair to punish them. They deserve to have both parents here. I know they miss you, and I miss you. So, if you want, you can move back in.”

A slow smile spreads across Harry’s face. “Of course I want to, Lou. I would love that. But, I have Lady. I already rescued her from the shelter, I can’t just un-adopt her. I promise I’ll handle all the dirty work. I think it’ll be really good for the kids, too. They can learn to help out with her and it’ll teach them responsibility.”

“Okay,” Louis caves with a sigh. “She is really cute. As long as I don’t get stuck doing all the work…”

“You won’t, I promise. You won’t ever have to clean up her poop, I’ll do it. She’s such a sweetheart, though, you’ll love her.

“Okay,” Louis nods once. “Alright, then. It’s settled. What did you want to talk about?”

“Actually, it works out perfectly. I was going to tell you that I’m no longer working at the hospital.”

“What?” Louis asks quietly. “What did you do? What do you mean? What?”

“I’m still a doctor,” Harry assures his increasingly frantic husband. “But I talked to an acquaintance of mine and one of their doctors retired, and they’re looking for someone to fill his spot at a private practice. That means I’d have normal hours, weekends and holidays off, no paging me in the middle of the night. I can be a real father again, a real husband.”

“Oh my god,” Louis whispers. “Are you sure this is what you want? I know it’s what I want, but I don’t want you to resent me for it. You love working at the hospital and doing surgery.”

“Not as much as I love you and the kids. I’d rather be here. My career is not my life, you are,” Harry says firmly, grabbing both of Louis’ hands in his. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Louis smiles wetly. “That’s…that’s amazing. I’m so happy.”

“Me, too,” Harry grins. “I’m really fucking happy right now.”

“I am, too,” Louis says quietly. “Happier than I’ve been since…”

Harry squeezes his hand so he doesn’t have to finish his sentence. “I know.”  
~  
_”You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget”-Jessica, age 8_

Louis walks into the kitchen and scratches at his stomach lightly. Harry is already there, making a fry up. Lady is eating her breakfast in the corner of the room and Joshua is in his highchair eating happily. Louis is beyond grateful that Harry’s around again to help out. It takes a lot of pressure off of him. Moving Harry back in was strange after being gone for so long, but within 24 hours it felt like he never left. He’s still not sleeping with Louis, but Louis knows they’ll have to take that step soon. He has to for the kids.

“Morning. What is this?” Louis asks, flicking his fringe out of his face. There’s a bouquet of impatiens on the counter sitting next to a small black box and a card.

“Open the card and find out,” Harry smiles a little, stirring the contents of the pan.

“The other kids still asleep?” Louis asks, opening the envelope.

“Yeah, just checked on them. Josh was hungry, though. Kept chewing on my shirt, so I figured it was time for breakfast. Thought I’d let the rest of you sleep,” Harry explains.

“Thanks,” Louis responds and pulls the card out. It’s something cheesy about ‘I love you and your cute butt’. When he opens it up, Harry’s neat handwriting fills it.

_Dear Louis,_

_Twenty years ago today, I worked up the courage to ask you on a date while I was working in that god-awful bar. I thought you were the prettiest, most handsome person I’ve ever seen and I knew I had to have you. I still feel that way. I want to stare into those blue eyes all day and wish I could forever. I can’t believe it’s been twenty years already. We’ve had a great run. I know I messed up, but I am going to try so hard to prove how much I love you and always will. I just thought today was a good reminder._

_You’ll always be my baby._

_Love forever, Harry_

Louis has tears in his eyes but blinks them away, opening up the box. There’s a brand new Michael Kors silver watch. Louis looks up at Harry in disbelief.

“Did you think buying me expensive gifts would make this better?” he snaps.

“No, no,” Harry’s face falls. “That’s…that’s not it. This is a special day, at least for me it is. It took me six months after meeting you to be able to ask you out on a date. My friends were so sick of hearing about you and kept telling me to just go for it, but you made me nervous. I was never nervous around guys, but you made me truly nervous. You were the only person to do that to me. If I hadn’t made that move, I don’t think we would have ended up together. You barely knew I existed. I just wanted to remember that day, that’s all.”

“Well,” Louis clears his throat, his cheeks burning. He’s never heard Harry say all this. “All I needed was a card and maybe a nice dinner. You can’t buy my love, Harry,” Louis says, putting the gift down and crossing his arms uncomfortably.

“I’m not, Louis. But Jake flushed your watch down the toilet a while ago and I never got you a new one,” Harry says quietly.

“Oh,” Louis whispers, smiling a little. “I forgot all about that.”

“He said the poop monsters wouldn’t come get him if he gave them a nice gift,” Harry grins at the memory.

“Oh yeah, he did say that. Quite an imagination, that one.”

“Think he gets it from you. You had some crazy fantasies, as I remember,” Harry lifts an eyebrow with a smirk.

“Harry,” Louis scolds, his cheeks hot. “Stop it.”

“Sorry,” Harry muses.

“Um, thanks, though. The watch is gorgeous. Just…don’t go crazy with gifts, yeah? You making this work is enough for me.”

“You deserve to be spoiled. I haven’t had much chance to do that lately, and I want to. You and the kids,” Harry says. “Just let me, please.”

“Alright, well, if you insist,” Louis sighs dramatically. “Why impatiens?”

“You don’t remember?” Harry asks. Louis shakes his head a little, embarrassed. Should he remember? “You thought they were called impatients, and I laughed because you’re the most impatient person I know. Well, you used to be, until Sophia came along. She’s the definition of impatient. But I bought you a dozen impatients to get a laugh out of it, and you loved them.”

“I am not that impatient,” Louis grumbles.

“Oh, please,” Harry scoffs with a laugh. “Even when you first got pregnant, you were like, ‘okay, I’m ready to give birth now’, just wanting him to get here. You remember that?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Louis smiles softly.  
_  
“God, professors can be so rude. I mean, you obviously had to pick this career, right? How can you hate students so much, then? Jesus, I knew med school would be hard, but this is ridiculous! I know my research paper deserved at least a B. I worked my ass off to get that thing done and-“ Harry complains, dropping his backpack on the floor._

_“Harry,” Louis cuts him off, trying to bring him out of his rant. “Harry.”_

_“What?” Harry finally looks up._

_“I’m pregnant.”_

_“What?”_

_“I just took the test. We’re going to have a baby.”_

_“A baby?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“A baby!” Harry shouts, running over to his husband and picking him up in his arms. “We’re having a baby!”_

_“Yeah, we are,” Louis grins, his arms around Harry’s neck._

_“I can’t believe we’re pregnant!”_

_“I know,” Louis grins. Harry puts Louis down and kisses him deeply. “Do I really have to wait a whole nine months? Nine months sounds like a really long time.”_

_“Babe,” Harry laughs, nuzzling his nose into Louis’ hair. “It’s going to fly by. Besides, you’re going to look so cute pregnant.”_

_“Yeah? You think?” Louis giggles._

_“Absolutely.”  
_  
“You’re still impatient now. Age hasn’t helped you,” Harry smirks.

“Can I ask you something?” Louis asks suddenly, feeling a bit bold. Harry turns to him and his eyes are soft.

“Ask me anything, Lou.”

“Did you really love him? Truly?” Louis asks softly softly softly, because if he speaks too loud this will become too real.

“Louis,” Harry sighs, but Louis cuts him off.

“Do you still love him?” Louis asks, enunciating each word. Harry looks down at the floor and stays quiet for a moment. He looks back after a pregnant pause and looks at Louis.

“I did, but I don’t anymore. True love, though? No. I believe we only get one true love, and that’s you. I was in love with the idea of him, I think. It was never like it is with you. I can promise you that.”

“How can I be sure you’re telling the truth?” Louis asks sadly, not able to meet Harry’s eyes.

“Baby,” Harry says quietly, moving towards him and holding his shoulders. “I understand that you can’t fully trust me yet, I know that and I get that. But you need to believe me because if I were lying, I wouldn’t be here trying to make this work. If I loved him the way you think I do, I would be with him right now. But I’m not. I’m here with you, and this is the only place I want to be. You and I, we’re amazing together. We were meant to be together. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that you’re my other half and I wish I remembered that a year and a half ago. I’m so stupid and I’ll never forgive myself for it, but I’ve learned from it, and I’m never going to let myself forget that again.”

Louis is crying now. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t love you so much so this would hurt less.”

“Louis, please don’t say that. I’m going to fix this, I promise.”

Louis takes a shaky breath. “I think I need to lie down.”

“Okay,” Harry murmurs. “Go ahead.”

Louis heads up to their bedroom and Lucas comes down a few minutes later, looking sheepish. Harry sits up straighter on the couch.

“Hey.”

“Hi. Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course. C’mere,” Harry pats the couch. He can feel the tenseness in the air. “What’s up?”

“It’s about you and dad,” Lucas admits. Harry nods slowly. He kind of figured. “And the way I’ve been acting.”

“Oh,” Harry clears his throat. “Okay. We should talk about it. You’re old enough to know about this, and I think it’s a good idea that we talk.”

“Are you planning on leaving? Like, I know you just came back, but do you plan to stay? Or are you going to cheat again, or just walk out?” Lucas asks, and it was a lot more forward than Harry was expecting.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Harry says firmly. “I promise. I never wanted to leave in the first place, but I know that dad needed time without me here, no matter how much I hated that. I will never cheat again. It was stupid and I regret that every day. But I love dad and I love all of you so much and I want to be here.”

“But if you didn’t have us, you wouldn’t be here,” Lucas says slowly.

“Probably not,” Harry murmurs. “But that’s different, and we do have you guys. But I would try to salvage this either way, because I love dad so much.”

“Then why do it in the first place?” Lucas asks harshly.

“Luke…marriage is hard. Being married for as long as dad and I have been isn’t always easy, especially with five kids.”

“I just…I always thought that you loved each other so much that nothing would tear you apart. I didn’t think something like this would ever happen. I have friends with divorced parents because one of them cheated, but it was different for them. They knew their parents didn’t really love each other. I just thought you and dad actually did love each other. You were always so loving towards each other and you never used to fight but then dad had Joshua and everything changed. I just don’t understand why you would hurt him and us like this,” Lucas says, his voice strained.

“Lucas,” Harry whispers. “I’m so sorry. I know it was horrible of me to do, but like I said, marriage is hard. It’s a lot of give and take and I got selfish and wanted more than I was giving. I felt like I was getting less than I was giving because dad was so busy and I wanted more attention. I’m ashamed of it but I’ve made it my mission to never hurt him again.”

“It’s not that easy though, pop!” Lucas shouts, his eyes watery. “You don’t understand. Dad always told us you were like Superman. You went out every day to save lives and help people, but no matter what, you always came back home. He’s always had so much faith in you and he was so proud of you. It’s not fair. Now he’s completely destroyed over it and I hate that. You were always my hero, you were always our Superman, and now you’re like a monster or a villain or something. Maybe not to dad, maybe he’s forgiving you, but I don’t see how I’m supposed to do that.”

“I know I messed up, but I still love all of you. You have to understand that no matter what, I’m your father, and I deserve some respect. I know you hate me, but that doesn’t give you the right to treat me the way you’ve been treating me. I’ve been trying so hard to fix things. I’m trying to be Superman again. I’m trying really, really hard.”

“I know,” Lucas sighs, defeated. “I’m…I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting. Dad was actually mad at me for how I’ve been treating you, said that I should be trying to forgive you the way he’s trying. I think he’s right.”

“That makes me really happy,” Harry smiles with relief. “Thank you.”

Harry pulls Lucas into a hug before he can argue about it. Lucas sighs but hugs him back with a small smile.

“I love you so much,” Harry whispers. “So, so much.”

“I love you, too,” Lucas mutters.  
~  
_“A baby fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty” - Anonymous_

_Louis looked around the beach in Santa Monica, California. It was one of the nicest beaches Louis had ever seen. Harry had surprised him with the plane tickets a week after Louis told him he was pregnant. He said it would be their “babymoon”. Louis wasn’t even quite 6 months pregnant yet, so the doctor cleared him to fly and told him to enjoy._

_There were so many kids running around the beach of all ages. There were kids making sand castles, some burying their parent’s feet, playing in the water. There was a baby to the right of them with a little sunhat on and the cutest watermelon printed bikini. She giggled every time her mother tickled her tummy, and Louis’ heart melted._

_“Do you realize in just over three months we’ll have one of those?” Louis spoke up, tilting his head in the direction of the baby._

_“Yeah, isn’t it amazing?” Harry smiled, turning his head to Louis and grabbing his hand. “I can’t wait.”_

_“Are you scared?” Louis asked, putting his free hand on his belly._

_“I think I’m more afraid of the birth, as stupid as that sounds. I’m in med school and I’m afraid of you having a C-section. Isn’t that idiotic? You should be the one worrying about it.”_

_“Oh, thanks for the boost of confidence,” Louis teased. “But I think it’s sweet that you’re scared. I think it’s because when you read about what could go wrong to people, or see surgeries, it’s people you don’t know. It isn’t as big of a deal because they’re just strangers. But I can’t imagine seeing your husband lying on a table getting cut open is a very settling feeling, doctor or not. Everything is different when it’s a loved one.”_

_“Yeah, you’re probably right. Just scary to think about.”_

_“I know it is, honey. I’m scared, too. But I can assure you, it’s definitely safer than trying to have a natural birth.”_

_“I know. I don’t think any man would come out alive from that.”_

_“But, C-sections are very common and the chances of a complication are very slim. You know that. We’re both going to be just fine, okay?”_

_“Okay,” Harry smiled softly._

_“What about becoming a dad? Does that scare you?” Louis asked, trailing his fingers over his bare belly that Harry had spread an ample amount of sunscreen on._

_“No, it doesn’t, actually,” Harry said confidently. “I know both of us are going to be amazing dads and I have no doubts about it. We both love kids, we’re both great with them, and we’ve been the dream team since the day we met. I know that it can’t be scary if you’re by my side.”_

_Louis’ eyes welled up, which he blamed on hormones, and squeezed Harry’s hand._

_“We’re going to be the best dads.”_

_“Hell yeah we are.”  
_  
~  
*Louis*

_“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides” - David Viscott_

Louis wakes up to Harry wrapping his arm around his waist from behind and kissing the back of his neck. It’s been strange, sleeping in the same bed again and attempting to be intimate again, but it also feels incredible. Louis has missed it more than he’ll ever admit. Their relationship is stable.

“Happy anniversary,” Harry murmurs in his ear. Louis turns in Harry’s arm to face Harry and yawns.

“Happy anniversary.”

“We’ve made is seventeen years of marriage. That’s pretty incredible,” Harry says, pushing a hand through Louis’ messy hair.

“Yeah, it is. Think we can make it another seventeen?” Louis asks quietly.

“We’re going to make it until I die,” Harry promises. Louis doesn’t want to think about Harry dying; he can’t, so he kisses him instead. Harry kisses him back, pulling him close. Louis bites his bottom lip, tugging at his curls and throwing a leg around Harry’s waist. It doesn’t last long, but it’s slow and sweet.

“Is this something we do now?” Harry grins, biting the inside of his cheek.

“I don’t know, maybe. It’s our anniversary, I figured we had to do something,” Louis murmurs.

“I can live with that,” Harry agrees.

Harry stands up and walks over to the dresser, picking up a box from underneath his briefs and sitting back on the bed beside Louis. He hands Louis the both along with a card. Louis opens the card first, and it’s something corny like ‘even when I don’t like you I love you’, which fits them perfectly. When Louis opens the box, he finds a necklace that reminds him of a dog tag. It’s got his birthstone, Harry’s, and all the kids’ with their names engraved next to the stones.

“Harry, this is gorgeous,” Louis says quietly. “Oh, I love this.”  
“I hoped you would,” Harry murmurs. “Here, let me put it on for you and see how it looks.”  
He picks it up out of the box; putting it around Louis’ neck and watching it fall between his sharp collarbones. “Looks beautiful.”  
“I’m sure it does,” Louis whispers.  
“I do have another gift, though,” Harry says, tugging off his shirt and turning his back to Louis. Louis sits up straight and looks at the new ink on Harry’s right shoulder. It’s a sun with their wedding date written in script underneath it. Hovering over the sun, there’s five stars with the kids’ names above them.

“Oh, Harry,” Louis gasps, tracing his fingers over the fresh ink carefully. “This is gorgeous. I love it. It’s stunning.”

“Thought it was nice. You know, it shows unity of our family,” he explains, peeking over his shoulder to look at Louis.

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” Louis murmurs. He leans in and kisses the sun gently. “Happy anniversary.”

*Harry*

_“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about” - Angela Schwindt_

“Papa, can I ask you something?” Sophia asks, entering the living room.

“Sure, sweetheart. Come here,” Harry pats the spot next to him on the couch, flicking the TV off. Ever since switching over to the private practice, he’s had an insane amount of free time. He forgot how much he enjoys mindless TV. He forgot how much he missed being home. “What’s on your mind, kiddo?”

Sophia pulls her legs into her chest and leans into the couch further. “Has daddy forgiven you yet?”

“Not exactly,” Harry says, pressing his lips in a firm line. “But, he’s working on it, I know. We aren’t going to get divorced, if that’s what you’re worried about. We love each other way too much to let that happen. I’m here to stay. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I might have an idea on how to win him over, at least a little bit.”

“Oh yeah?” Harry raises an eyebrow with a smile. “Let’s hear it.”

“Why don’t you recreate your first date? Daddy was always telling us about it and how amazing it was. Wouldn’t he love that?”

“When did you get so wise, huh?” Harry shakes his head with disbelief. He pulls Sophia into his side and kisses her forehead. “That is a lovely idea, and I am definitely going to do that. Thank you, baby.”

“Just want to help,” she blushes. “I just want you to be happy again.”

“Well, that’s sweet, love, but I don’t want you worrying about our problems, either. I don’t want you guys involved in our mess. You need to worry about being kids before you grow up and deal with your own problems, okay?”

“Yes, papa,” she rolls her eyes with a smile.

“Are you still mad at me? I know what I did was terrible, and your brother was not happy with me at all, and I don’t blame him for it. But I’m trying really hard to be a better person. Can you forgive me for my mistakes?” Harry asks quietly.

“I forgave you a while ago,” Sophia tells him earnestly. “You hurt daddy, which was horrible, but like you said, you didn’t hurt me directly. You hurt our family, but it wasn’t really on purpose. I get that now. And I don’t want to be mad at you forever. I’m just glad I got you back in my life.”

“I’ll always be in your life,” Harry whispers, his chest aching. “I’m always going to be here for you, never forget that. I will always love you, and I will always love your brothers and sister, and I will always love daddy. You all mean so much to me, you have no idea. I would give you the world if I could. I would do anything to make you happy. I love you and I can’t say it enough.”

“I love you too, papa,” she nuzzles into his chest.

Harry doesn’t know the last time he’s spent some quality time with Sophia, so he savors this moment. He turns the TV back on and they settle into a baking competition on Food Network. It’s one of Harry’s best days in a long time.  
~  
_“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” - Mignon McLaughlin_

“Where are you taking me?” Louis asks, sitting in the passenger seat of their Range Rover. The thing is a gas-guzzler, Harry knows, but Harry takes pride in driving it around. He thought he looked cool in it, and he knows Louis doesn’t agree, but won’t burst his bubble.

“It’s a surprise,” Harry says, reaching over the middle console to take Louis’ hand. Louis doesn’t let go, so it’s definitely a good sign. It reassures Harry and helps him to relax. This is his husband he’s taking out. It’ll be fine. “You’ll love it, I promise.”

“As long as we eventually get food. I’m starving,” Louis whines.

“There will be food eventually, yes. I’m not going to starve you to death, rest assured,” Harry grins.

“You better not,” Louis grumbles.

“Never. You’re so impatient, Lou. I thought having kids would change that, but you’re just as bad as the day we met.”

“Surprises are difficult for me!” Louis defends with a pout. “They make me anxious.”

“Well, we’re here, so no need to get anxious,” Harry says, squeezing his hand and turning into the pancake house: the same pancake house they had their first date.

“Oh,” Louis whispers. “Harry.”

“Surprise,” Harry says softly. “Sophia actually gave me the idea, so I can’t take credit. Well, she said recreate our first date, but we were both more than a little drunk and twenty years younger than we are now. I figured we could skip the whole sleazy club part and skip right to the good stuff. Is that okay?”

“Very,” Louis smiles, leaning over to kiss Harry softly. “I love it.”

They walk inside with linked hands. Harry asks for a booth in the corner by the window: the same booth they sat at all those years ago. It’s obvious that Louis is very emotional that he remembered such a miniscule detail in their long relationship.

When they’re seated, Harry takes hold of both of Louis’ hands, grinning madly at him. Louis flushes lightly and smiles back at him, giving his hands a squeeze. Harry doesn’t know the last time he’s felt this happy. Just by looking into Louis’ eyes, he can feel love deep inside of him. He never felt like this with Nathan, and that’s how he knows the difference between love and lust. His relationship with not much more than sex, Harry realizes. He thought he loved him, but looking back, he doesn’t think it was true. It wasn’t what he had with Louis, ever. He needs Louis to know it.

“Hey, love,” he speaks softly. He doesn’t want to ruin the calm atmosphere they have right now.

“Hey,” Louis says back, grinning. Before they can get any further, a bored young waitress comes over while chewing gum obnoxiously. Well, Harry thinks, that probably isn’t the best way to make tips.

“What can I get you?” she asks. Even through her rude tone, Harry’s polite smile never falters.

“Hi, we’ll have two cups of tea to start. I’ll have the banana nut pancakes with a side of bacon, and he’ll have the apple cinnamon pancakes with a side of fresh fruit, thanks,” Harry orders easily. Louis is gaping at him, clearly shocked that he remembers their exact order from their first date. The waitress walks off and Harry looks back to Louis, shrugging with a small smile.

“You remember. You remembered all if it from twenty years ago,” Louis states dumbly.

“Of course. Best first date I ever had, actually. I remember that day so well, like it was yesterday. I remember waking up to you drooling on my chest, your hair in fourteen different directions, and god-awful morning breath. And I remember thinking to myself that I have never seen a more beautiful sight, and that I want to wake up to it every day for the rest of my life. And then I sneezed, and you jumped awake as if my snot could kill you instantly. Before you even said anything meaningful, you pulled me into this kiss that tasted like dead animal, but it was still one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. Then you grumbled about being hungry enough to eat my cock. I had to explain to you that would stop us from ever having sex again and you rolled your eyes, calling it ‘technicalities’ and got up to go to the bathroom, your pretty bare ass jiggling with each stride.”

“Harry,” Louis grins so large that it takes over his whole face. “God, I can’t believe you. What a sap.”

“I know you have some very fond memories as well, my dear,” Harry smirks.

“That’s true, yes. I’m just impressed. I didn’t think all that little detail mattered,” Louis says quietly.

“It all matters to me, Lou. All those little details were what made me fall in love with you. Even your foul morning breath and the way you left my chest sticky and slimy with drool our first night together. We just started off so comfortable with each other right off the bat, and I knew that what we had was rare and it had to be special,” Harry explains with a shrug.

“Hey, you weren’t perfect either. I remember waking up with your hair in my mouth and your long body taking up most of our bed,” Louis pouts. “And don’t even get me started on your horrendous snoring.”

“And you still married me,” Harry says quite seriously.

“I did,” Louis says carefully, afraid to break the moment by saying the wrong thing. “You asked me so nicely that I couldn’t say no.”

“Because you loved me,” Harry replied.

“Love,” Louis corrects. “Because I still love you. I never stopped.”

Harry just smiles in return. “Do you remember how hard we laughed on our first date? Nothing was even funny but the old couple beside us kept giving us the dirtiest looks.”

“You were telling me awful jokes, H!” Louis giggles. “They were so bad that I couldn’t help but laugh. Your jokes haven’t improved much, I hate to admit.”

“Hey,” Harry pouts. “Jake and Joshua find them funny.”

“Joshua laughs at everything, you know that. He laughs when I vacuum,” Louis rolls his eyes fondly.

“He’s always so cute when he laughs, though,” Harry smiles. “I remember Jake being so serious when he was Josh’s age. I couldn’t get him to laugh ever.”

“He just didn’t find you funny, because he always laughed with me,” Louis grins triumphantly. “Loves his daddy lots.”

“More than his papa, I see,” Harry pouts.

“He loves you now, though,” Louis shrugs. “He’s obsessed with his superman dad. He’s always telling his friends that his dad is superman, you know. He takes a lot of pride in it.”

“Does he really?” Harry grins hugely.

“Yeah, he still does even through all this,” Louis says. “Even though you were never around.”

It gets quiet for a long moment, but neither of them gets to say anything further, because the food is being presented in front of them. They eat quietly, but Harry keeps Louis’ hand in his as a constant reminder.

“How are your pancakes?” Harry finally speaks up, stroking his thumb across Louis’ knuckles.

“Just as good as they were twenty years ago,” Louis says with a small smile. “Thank you for this, by the way. I’m having a really good time.”

“I know it isn’t much,” Harry says sheepishly. “But I just wanted you to know that I remember everything, all these little memories we made together. I remember Lucas calling you Lou for the longest time because he always heard me saying it, so I had to start calling you daddy when he was around to get him to stop. I remember Sophia not being able to sleep unless you sung to her, and I remember you craving avocados smothered in Nutella while you were pregnant with Gabriella. I know we’ve gone through so much and I wouldn’t take back anything except for what I did wrong. I messed up so badly, but I’m here now. I’m always going to be here and I’m going to take care of you and our family forever,” Harry says, his voice shaky.  
“Harry,” Louis breathes. “Let’s not talk about that. I don’t want it hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. I just want to look at our future, okay?”  
“Yeah, alright, alright, sorry,” Harry says.  
“I like that you remember all of that, though,” Louis smiles fondly.  
“It’s all important to me.”  
After their breakfast for dinner, Harry leads Louis to the car and kisses him softly when they sit inside. Louis puts a hand on his thigh and smiles at him.  
“I really did have a nice time. I’m glad we did this,” Louis says softly.  
“Yeah, me too, babe. I thought we could go back to the house and just relax a bit, since the kids aren’t around.”  
“Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice,” Louis replies. Harry smiles at him and they share a kiss before heading home.  
~  
_“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing”-Walt Disney_

After Harry recreates their first date, they start up date night again. Louis said he thought it was about time that they started it up again if they were going to make progress, and Harry was thrilled about it. He’s missed their date nights so much.

“Can you believe Joshua is going to be two soon?” Louis says in awe while they share a slice of cheesecake.

“No, I really can’t,” Harry shakes his head a little. “But let’s not talk about the kids right now, okay? This is about us. We talk about them a lot but tonight I want to talk about you.”

Harry reaches over the table and grabs Louis’ hand. He feeds him a bite of chocolate cheesecake and Louis allows it, smiling as he chews.

“You already know everything about me.”

“Maybe, but you’re my favorite topic,” Harry says, taking a bite for himself. Louis smiles again.

“I’ve gotten quite boring though, no?” he asks.  
“Never,” Harry murmurs softly. “You’ve got this lightening personality, you make everyone so happy. You of all people will never be boring. Me, on the other hand, I can be quite boring.”  
“Maybe,” Louis smirks. “Sometimes your stories drag on.”  
“You love my stories though.”  
“I’d listen to them until I croaked.”  
“Stop,” Harry says forcefully. “Don’t want to talk about that. Never want to lose you.” He’s suddenly hit with a memory from one of the scariest days of his life.  
_Louis’ heart rate was dropping rapidly while Harry’s was speeding up. Louis’ pregnancy with their third child was hard from the start with frequent trips to the doctor and they weren’t sure he would even carry full term. He did, though, he made it all the way to the nine-month mark, but there were so many complications when his water broke.  
Harry looked around the room, three nurses and two doctors rushing around the room, machines beeping all over, and Louis, Louis crying in agony, gripping Harry’s hand like a lifeline. Harry bent over and kissed Louis’ tear-stained face, murmuring comforting words to his husband, wishing and praying those words would make it all better.  
“If…” Louis sniffed. “If it comes down to me or the baby, pick her, Haz. Couldn’t live with myself.”  
“Stop it!” Harry yelled, squeezing his hand tighter. “It’s not going to come down to that, Louis. I am not going to lose you, do you understand me? You’re not going to leave me; you’re not going anywhere. You’re going to be fine and so is our baby, okay? You’re a fighter, and so is she. Don’t talk like that, ever.”  
“Harry,” Louis sobbed brokenly, stroking the very top of his belly with a gentle hand. “I’m so scared.”  
“I know, Lou, I know. But we’re going to get through this one way or another,” Harry promised, and he somehow seemed firm, like he was sure of the outcome. Louis nodded wordlessly, his eyes closing. Harry could tell he was in so much pain and his body couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle the complications. His breathing was long and labored, and Harry felt like his knees were going to give out.  
But at the end of it all, Louis was sitting up in bed, holding their new, healthy baby girl in his arms, gentle smile painting his face, and everything felt okay.  
_  
Harry shudders every time he thinks about that day, how close he was to losing Louis. Mostly, he tries to put it in the back of his mind.  
“Y’alright, H?” Louis asks, taking another small bite from their dessert. Harry nods his head distractedly.  
“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking. Nothing important. I’m here,” he smiles softly.  
“I want you to be here,” Louis grins. “I like having you around.”  
“Yeah? You still do?” Harry asks hesitantly.  
“Can’t live without you,” Louis murmurs earnestly. “I don’t…I don’t think I ever could have gone through with the divorce, if I’m honest. I just don’t think I could stand to not be married to you anymore, to know you weren’t mine anymore. I just hoped that it would all work out and I wouldn’t have to face that option.”  
“No, never, Louis. I’m always yours,” Harry says softly. “Let’s head home, okay?”  
“Yeah,” Louis breathes. “Home.”  
They ride home in comfortable silence with their hands intertwined between the two of them. Harry keeps looking over and stealing glances, smiling softly and squeezing his hand.  
They get home to their blissfully empty house, since the kids are with Harry’s mum for the night. Harry closes the door behind them and drops his keys on the small table.  
“Do you want to go upstairs?” Louis asks.  
“Have I ever said no to that question?”  
Louis leads them upstairs and brings them to their bedroom. They both sit on the bed and Louis kisses Harry softly.  
“Remember our first time?” Louis whispers into the silence.  
“I’ll never forget it,” Harry whispers back. “One of the most amazing days of my life. We were always so good together.”  
“Definitely,” Louis grins. “We’ve done it all together, I think. I don’t think there’s anything we haven’t tried.”  
“Yeah, I think you’re probably right.”  
“Does that…make you sad? They we sort of ran out of new things to try?” Louis asks quietly.  
“Never. Every time is like the first with you, baby. It’s always going to feel that way for me, no matter what it is. You’re my everything and yeah, trying new things was fun, but now I know everything about you. No one else can say that, Lou. I know exactly what you like and don’t like, what makes you shiver and what makes you cringe. I love knowing all that and being so close to you. We’ve done it all together and nothing is going to change that.”  
“Okay,” Louis smiles softly. “Just checking.”  
Harry leans in and kisses Louis. He puts his hand on Louis’ thigh and strokes it as their kiss gets more heated. When he lays Louis down, though, Louis pushes him off with force and slaps his hand away from his thigh.  
“We aren’t doing this, Harry. Do you think after two dates we can get right back into sex?” Louis seethes.  
Harry is shocked into silence for a long moment. “Wait, what? We’ve already had sex since all of this started, you know.”  
“Yeah, but I said that wasn’t going to happen again! It was a moment of weakness on my part. I’m not ready to do this yet. You need to respect that.”  
"I do, Louis, but I thought you wanted this, too. You were the one inviting me upstairs and everything," Harry defends. “Oh my god, what are you, a teenage boy?! This is our room, I just wanted to watch some Netflix and cuddle or something! You really think I meant sex?”  
“Kind of!”  
“You’re unbelievable.”  
“I don’t get it, Louis. You were mad at me because we weren’t having any sex, and now that I’m trying to, you’re mad at me for it. I don’t know what to do!”  
“I was mad because you were having sex with _another man_ , idiot! Yeah, I was pissed we weren’t having any sex, because I could have used it, but the issue was that you were doing it with someone that wasn’t me! Don’t you fucking understand that?! You weren’t having any sex with me throughout the entire year. Now, suddenly, because you don’t have your boyfriend around, you want to have sex with me? I obviously wasn’t good enough before, but now that you have no other option you want to sleep with me?”  
“Louis, you know that isn’t it! At all!”  
“Just get out!” Louis cries. “I don’t want to see you right now. I can’t believe you think after you cheating on me for almost a year, you can just jump right back into bed with me, like I’m suddenly enough again.”  
“You’ve always been enough, Louis!”  
“Bullshit! If I was enough you wouldn’t have cheated in the first place! Please just get out! Please!” Louis starts to sob. Harry wants to hold him, but he’s afraid of making this all worse. Louis needs space.  
“Okay,” Harry whispers. “I’m sorry.”  
Louis turns his body from Harry as he cries, and Harry leaves the room quietly. They were doing so well, and this feels like a huge setback.  
*Louis*  
The next morning, Louis wakes up in his empty bed for the first time in a while. He was just starting to get used to have Harry back in their bed, and he’s gone again. He was just so angry and he doesn’t fully understand where it came from. Of course he wanted to have sex with Harry, but when it started to happen, he flipped out. Imagines of Harry with Nathan hit him all at once, and it was too much to handle. Louis couldn’t have sex with Harry when all he could think about was Harry having sex with someone else.  
He gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom. The first thing he notices is toothpaste in the sink. At first, he’s angry that Harry made such a mess, but when he inspects it closer, he notices he wrote something. Inside the sink, written in blue and white toothpaste, it’s there.  
_please don’t leave me_  
And in the shower, in green shower gel, it’s there, too.  
_please don’t leave me_  
Louis’ chest aches. He rolls his neck and takes a deep breath to calm himself down. He uses the bathroom and heads down to the kitchen to find Harry at the counter, scrambling eggs in a bowl.  
“Good morning,” Harry says carefully, looking up as Louis enters the room. He looks so tired and defeated and it breaks Louis’ heart. It shouldn’t, after the hell he’s put Louis through, but it does regardless.  
“Morning,” Louis says quietly. He heads to the fridge to get milk for his tea, and he sees it again, scrawled in small handwriting with black sharpie.  
_please don’t leave me_  
“Harry,” Louis says suddenly, putting the milk on the counter. “Look at me, please.”  
Harry looks up with wide eyes. He stops mixing the eggs and turns his full attention to his husband.  
“Harry…I’m not…I’m not going to leave you, okay? I know I got angry last night, I just flipped out. I just was so overwhelmed. But I’m not going to leave you, ever. Do you understand me?” Louis says, his voice raw and firm.  
“Yeah,” Harry nods, looking down at the floor. “I’ve fucked up so much, I just didn’t know what to do when you freaked out last night. I panicked. I was afraid you were regretting giving me a second chance. You were impossible to read last night and I used to be able to look at you and just know what you were thinking, like I could read your mind. I don’t want to lose you, Louis. I can’t lose you.”  
“I know, honey, I know,” Louis says softly. “I can’t lose you, either. We’ll…we’ll get through this. I just need a little more time, okay?”  
“No, of course. You need to take your time, I just worry,” Harry shrugs sadly.  
“I just need to make sure that you’re in this for the long haul and what happened before will never happen again. I just have to be certain that you aren’t going to run off again,” Louis explains, playing with his fingers.  
“No, Louis, I swear I’m not going to change. This is how I am, you know that, it was just rough for me. I’m going show you, you just have to have faith in me, okay? I promise it’s going to be so much better,” Harry says, his eyes glistening with tears.  
“I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, I am, but I worry. You can’t really blame me.”  
“No, I can’t. I understand that, I just want you to know I’m never going to do what I did again. I love you so much, Louis, and I’m never going to stop,” Harry says. He can’t stop the few tears that escape. “I just want you to trust me.”  
“I’m trying,” Louis sniffs. “But I’m not leaving, okay? I won’t.”  
“Okay,” Harry nods, pulling Louis into a tight hug.  
~  
_“Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone else” - Dave Willis_

Harry has been working on this surprise for Louis for nearly a month. Any time Louis is out of the house, he works on it. Whenever he can sneak out of the house, he buys supplies. He’s even gotten help from the kids. He took them shopping a few times to help him pick stuff out. Harry is truly amazed that Louis hasn’t gotten suspicious and figured it out. He’s even more amazed that none of his kids had spoiled the secret and tattled on him.

He finally, finally finishes it, though, and he thinks it looks incredible. He’s so proud of how it turned out, and he’s certain Louis is going to love it.

“I’m home!” Louis calls, having just gotten back from a jog with Joshua and Lady. Harry knows he’s been getting back into fitness, putting Joshua in his stroller and going for a run around the neighborhood or park. He’s been better about eating, though, so Harry isn’t as worried. He’s taking care of himself, which is exactly what Harry wants. He wants Louis to love himself.

“Hey, baby,” Harry smiles at him, greeting Louis by the front door with a kiss while Lady trots off to her water bowl. “How was your jog?”

“Good,” Louis smiles back. “It’s gorgeous out, and Joshua even fell asleep.”

“A true miracle.”

“Mm,” Louis laughs. “Kids okay?”

“Yeah, they’re all good. I actually have a surprise for you, though.”

“Oh?” Louis raises an eyebrow, leaning down and carefully picking up a sleeping Joshua from the stroller. “And what is that?”

“Let’s put Joshua down and you can follow me.”

“Is this where you finally kill me? Are you planning on slitting my throat?”

Harry tsks at him. “That would be stupid of me. I wouldn’t do it in our home while our kids are here. Too easy to get caught. I’d take you far away and do it, like in an abandoned cabin or something.”

“Alright, this is getting too freaky,” Louis laughs.

“You have nothing to worry about,” Harry promises with a smile.

They bring Joshua to his room and lay him down to continue his midday nap. Harry takes Louis’ hand and says, “Follow me, love.”

Harry leads him to the room they use for storage, or what Louis calls, their junk room. It’s where they put the toys that the kids no longer play with, and the clothes they no longer fit into, and holiday decorations. It’s a hoarder’s dream, with how messy it is.

Correction: it _was_ a hoarder’s dream.

When Harry pushes open the door, Louis gasps.

“What the…”

“Surprise,” Harry murmurs, kissing Louis’ cheek.

They walk into what is Louis’ new office. It looks so much bigger, now that it’s been cleaned out. It has such a homey, comforting feeling to it, while still being modern. There’s a sleek light wooden desk, the walls have been painted a light minty green. The desk is set up with Louis’ computer, a lamp, and plenty of organization supplies. There’s a bookshelf in the corner of the room, a small off-white loveseat with pillows, and picture frames everywhere. There’s family pictures and pictures of Louis and Harry from university and from their wedding. There’s also frames with some of Louis’ favorite quotes, and some that Harry just needed Louis to have around him.

_“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know”_

_“You see, I love you and I don’t want to lose you because my life has been better since the day I found you”_

_“Family: where life begins and love never ends”_

_“We loved with a love that was more than love”_

And, of course, the most important one.

_You are my home_

It was insane amount of hard work. The room had to be cleared out completely, which took Harry three days. He packed everything up and put it all in the basement. He also had to repaint the stained white walls to spruce it up and make it look brand new. Then he went out and bought furniture and décor, which took a long time. He wanted everything to mesh together well. Even though it took four weeks, the look on Louis’ face is worth every second of it.

“Do you like it?” Harry asks softly, putting one hand on Louis’ hip. Louis turns to face him and he has tears in his eyes.

“Harry,” Louis whispers. “What is this? What did you do?”

“You’re more than just my husband and a father. You are a person, and you deserve to be happy. I know you chose to stay home with the kids while I worked, but I think you deserve the chance to have a career of your own. It’s only fair. You got a journalism degree and you weren’t able to do anything with it, and I am so sorry for that. It’s such a shame, because you’re so talented. I want you to start writing again, baby. This is your sacred space now. No kids allowed. Hell, you can keep me out of here if you want, I don’t mind. I just want you to have a safe space in the house where you can be you. For so long, you’ve been something besides Louis. You’ve been my husband and you’ve been a father to five kids and you’ve been a supportive brother, and I think you need some time to just be Louis again. You need to take some time out to be just Louis; no one’s husband, no one’s father, no one’s brother or son, but Louis.”

Louis is actually crying now. He throws his arms around Harry’s neck and kisses his cheek over and over.

“This is unbelievable. I don’t even know what to say. How long did this take you?”

“Almost a month?”

“How didn’t I notice?” Louis shrieks. “A month? I must be truly oblivious.”

“You’ve been busy,” Harry shrugs, then smirks. “and I’m also very sneaky. The kids actually helped a lot, though. They came shopping with me and picked some of this stuff out. That picture of the sailboat? That was Gabby’s doing. She said it reminded her of our ship and compass tattoos. Said you absolutely needed it in your office.”

“It is a beautiful painting. Our kids have great taste.”

“Well, with us as fathers, it was bound to happen,” Harry grins.

“Can’t argue there. This is truly stunning, though. I can’t believe you did all this. This is so…me.”

“It is,” Harry agrees with a smile. “I actually have one more present.”

Harry goes to the desk and opens up one of the drawers. He pulls out a leather journal and hands it to Louis.

“I know you’ve always been old school about your writing. You’ve always liked to handwrite your stuff rather than type it, and I respect that so much. It’s a little quirk that I love about you. I wanted to make sure you had a place to write your thoughts down. I think it’ll be really therapeutic for you and it gives you a place to just be you.”

“You are…something else, Styles,” Louis shakes his head with disbelief. “You really thought of everything. This is so thoughtful, I don’t even know what to say. This is one of the nicest things you’ve ever done for me, honestly.”

“Yeah, well, I should be doing a lot more of it. You deserve this.”

“But, how am I going to start writing again? I have the kids to take care of.”

“I’m only working at the practice four days a week, and half days on Fridays. I’m home a lot more. I’ll drop the kids off at school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. I want you to do whatever you want. I have friends in the industry and I could help you get your foot in the door, if you want. And if you don’t want to do that, you can always just write to get back into it. I’m sure it’s been a while for you.”

“That’s an understatement,” Louis shakes his head. “It’s been years, Harry. I’m definitely not good enough for a career in journalism. Not right now, at least.”

“Well, why don’t you just take your time to write for a while? And when you feel ready, I’ll be here. But I think we both know how talented you are. You were offered a position with _The Times Of London_ , that’s a huge deal. Not just anyone gets picked. It’s basically my fault you couldn’t take the job, anyway.”

“What?” Louis’ face scrunches up. “No, it’s not. We both decided we wanted a baby. Your career was way too hectic for us to both be working if we were bringing a baby into our lives, and neither of us felt comfortable with hiring an au pair. I made the decision to turn down the position. You didn’t make me. Do I regret turning it down? Never. I got to have Lucas and I got to raise him. I got to spend every day with my baby, and a lot of people can’t say that. Most people have to work and we got lucky enough that I got to be with my kids. Do I wonder what it would’ve been like? Yeah, but it definitely wouldn’t have been as amazing as being a full time father.”

Harry smiles. “I’m really glad to hear that. Sometimes I just feel so guilty that I got to build a career and you didn’t get the chance.”

“Don’t feel guilty. Like I said, I made the decision. If I wanted it bad enough, I would have gone for it. You wouldn’t have been able to stop me.”

“Probably not,” Harry laughs.

“But…leaving the kids would be a huge deal for me. You’ve never been a full time dad like I was. I’ve never had to leave them before. I don’t know if…if I could trust you taking care of them every day.”

“I don’t blame you. I know it would be hard to leave them for the first time ever, but I am their dad, Louis. They’ll be in school all day, besides Joshua, but soon he’ll be starting. I’ve taken care of them before, believe it or not. Lucas is going to be sixteen this year. He doesn’t need a babysitter anymore. I know it’s hard, but they are growing up and they aren’t as dependent anymore. It’s okay for you to be selfish here and do what you want.”

“I think it’s just going to take me some more time to fully be able to trust you again. I know you’re good with the kids. They’re your kids, too. You’ve never made me doubt your parenting abilities. It’s just difficult for me to trust you in general. You can understand that, right?”

“Yeah, of course, Lou. I fucked up big time. I know it’s going to take a lot for you to trust me again, but I hope you can find it in your heart to learn to. We’re going to make it through this. I’m so certain of this. I’m here, and I’m trying, and we are going to get through this.”

“I think so, too,” Louis whispers. He puts his hands on the side of Harry’s face and Harry takes his dainty wrists, rubbing the insides with his thumb.

“I love you so much.”

Louis closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Harry’s heart stops beating when Louis speaks. “I love you, too.”

“You…”

“Yeah,” Louis nods, his eyes filling with tears. “I always have, and I always will. Even when I wasn’t saying it, I loved you. But I think you’re right. We are going to get through this. And I love you. We tried to live our lives without each other, and it doesn’t work. I can’t see myself with anyone but you. You’re it for me, Harry. I’d rather live my life with someone who hurt me than to live alone. We went through a tough time, but I can’t live my life without you. I need you. You are what makes me happy.”

They’re standing close, tears streaming down both of their faces. It’s all so overwhelming. He hasn’t heard Louis tell him he loves him in so long. He’s only said it when he was angry, saying it’s the only reason he hasn’t left yet, but now it’s a genuine sentiment. Harry’s heart is practically flying in his chest.

There’s nothing to say in this moment, so they kiss instead. Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ waist and pulls him in close, savoring the sweet taste of Louis’ lips. His shirt is damp with sweat from his jog and Harry could care less. It’s perfect.

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Harry says emphatically, his forehead pressed against Louis’. “I need you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can’t live without you, either. I have never felt this way about anyone. You’re it for me, too. We’re going to fix this and we’re going to get back to where we were. I promise you.”

“I know, I know we will,” Louis nods quickly. “Thank you for all of this. This is beautiful and I love it and I love you.”

“I kind of just want to kiss you all day long and continue to tell you how much I love you,” Harry smiles, pressing his lips to Louis’ again.

“Damn kids always ruining our fun,” Louis jokes.

“Damn kids,” Harry repeats with a grin.

*Louis*  
_“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions” - Deepak Chopra_  
The smell of bacon, pancakes, and freshly ground coffee is what wakes Louis up. When he opens his eyes, Harry is next to him in their bed, a tray of food laid out in front of Louis. There’s a sunflower in a little vase, a cup of coffee, a stack of pancakes, and a few pieces of bacon, accompanied by utensils, napkins, and syrup. Louis looks over at Harry.  
“Is today an important date that I’m unaware of?”  
“No,” Harry laughs. “Actually, the kids are gone.”  
“What do you mean gone? Did you have them kidnapped?” Louis jokes.  
“By my mum, yes. Eat up, because we’ve got a long drive today,” Harry instructs.  
“Oh, so now you’re kidnapping me,” Louis deadpans. “Where are we going? I didn’t know we had plans.”  
“That’s because it’s a surprise. So, surprise,” Harry grins.  
“You’re sneaky lately,” Louis scrunches his eyebrows together and picks up a piece of bacon. “I’m not sure if I like it.”  
“You’ve loved all your surprises!”  
“What if I hate this one?”  
“You won’t,” Harry promises.  
“Can you tell me where we’re going?”  
“A cabin up in the mountains for the weekend. We’ll come home Sunday night. I dropped the kids off with my mum this morning.”  
“A whole weekend?” Louis gnaws at his lip. “I don’t know, Harry. I’ve never really left Joshua for that long.”  
“Lou,” Harry sighs. “He’s two years old. The only reason you haven’t been away for a weekend without him is because I fucked up my responsibility as a husband. I’m taking you away for the weekend and that’s final. He’s going to be just fine. They’re spending some quality time with my mum and Robin, and they’re all very excited. Joshua has all his toys with him, I made sure to pack him extra clothes and everything. He’s going to be just fine, and so will the rest of them. They’ll live without us for three days, and we’ll see them Sunday night. We used to go away for the weekend all the time, but we haven’t in so long. It’s going to be really nice and relaxing, Lou.”  
Harry has a point. They used to go on little mini vacations frequently, just to take a break for the kids every once in a while. The last trip they took was before Louis was even pregnant with Joshua.  
“Alright. I have to pack, though.”  
“Nope. It’s done already. All you have to do is eat and get dressed and we’re off.”  
“You thought of everything, huh?”  
“Yep,” Harry grins.  
Louis indulges in his breakfast, savoring every bite. Harry has always been a phenomenal cook, and breakfast foods and baking seem to be his strong suit. After he finishes his coffee, he gets off the bed and gets changed while Harry loads up the car and makes sure they have everything they’ll need.  
The trip up isn’t bad. It takes almost three hours, but it’s filled with happy conversation and comfortable silence. Harry holds Louis’ hand through most of it, and Louis feels at total ease. Their relationship feels like it’s easy again, just like it was when they first got together.  
When they get up to the cabin, there’s snow on the ground and flurries falling from the sky. It’s the end of November, so it’s not unusual. Louis is looking forward to Christmas decorating and shopping and baking, hopefully all with Harry by his side.  
“This place is gorgeous,” Louis says in awe. It’s a very modern take on a cabin, with floor to ceiling windows and a gorgeous view of a lake that’s frozen over.  
“Made sure to find a nice place,” Harry smiles softly. “Wait until you see the inside.”  
“Can’t wait.”  
They get out of the car and Harry grabs their bags and hands Louis the key to the house. Louis opens the door and the house smells of vanilla. It’s a stunning place. It’s very modern and open, but still cozy and homey. Louis is definitely looking forward to spending the weekend here.  
Harry puts their bags in the bedroom, which has a fluffy king size bed, a fireplace, and a breathtaking view. The bathroom is huge and has a large bathtub that Louis wants to use. There’s also a hot tub and firepit outside.  
“Harry, this is stunning,” Louis says, feeling the plush bed with his hand.  
“Well, I’m glad you like it, because I bought it.”  
Louis freezes. “You did what?”  
“I talked to our finance guy and he said it would be a great investment for us. We could rent it to people and use it for ourselves whenever we want,” Harry explains.  
“And…you didn’t run this by me.”  
“I wanted to surprise you,” Harry says quietly. “Seriously, I got a really good deal on it, because the owners were desperate to sell. The place is brand new, and we could make a fortune from rent.”  
“I wish you had talked to me about it first, but as long as you talked to Joe about this and really thought it through,” Louis sighs.  
“I did,” Harry assures him. “He told me this would be really smart, and we could put the money we make towards the kids’ college funds. I want to make sure we have enough money put away for them.”  
“Alright,” Louis sighs again. “It would be nice to have some extra money for their futures.”  
“Exactly,” Harry smiles. “I’m just trying to take care of our family. Always.”  
Louis smiles a little and sits on the bed. “So, what’s the plan?”  
“I was going to maybe make us dinner tonight, just stay in and play board games and stuff? I mean, we could always do something more fun, if you want.”  
“No, that sounds perfect,” Louis grins. “I would love that.”  
“Good,” Harry smiles back. “I’m going to go into town to grab stuff for dinner. Do you want me to set up a bath for you?”  
“You read my mind.”  
Harry kisses Louis’ forehead and goes to the bathroom. Louis unpacks some of his bag, taking out a fresh pair of clothes. Harry comes back out a few minutes later.  
“Alright, it’s filling up now, and I lit some candles and put some bubble in. I shouldn’t be too long. Is pasta okay for tonight?”  
“I’ve been craving pasta.”  
“Me, too,” Harry laughs. “Red wine?”  
“Sure, sounds good.”  
“Alright. Text me if you need anything, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
Harry kisses his lips once, quickly. “Love you.”  
“Love you, too.”  
Harry grins and leaves.  
While Louis takes a bath, he thinks about his relationship with Harry. Now that they’re here, in such a romantic setting, Louis is thinking about maybe taking their relationship all the way again. Harry has really changed his ways in the last year, and Louis does miss having sex with his own husband. He feels really good where they are in their relationship right now. Louis feels like he can trust Harry again. After dinner, he’s definitely going to bring up the idea of sex.  
Harry comes home once Louis is out of the bath and lazing around the living room.  
“Hey, babe. How was your bath?”  
“Perfect,” Louis answers. “Come watch a movie with me?”  
Harry smiles and puts away the groceries before going to the couch and sitting next to Louis on the couch. Louis lays his head on Harry’s chest, and Harry takes the hint. He lies back on the armrest and puts his arms around Louis so they’re settled comfortably on the couch. Harry flicks the TV on and they find a movie to rent. They both doze off during the movie and don’t do much else all day. Eventually, Louis’ stomach rumbles and Harry laughs.  
“I guess I should start dinner?”  
“That would be great,” Louis smiles. “Thanks. Need help with it?”  
“Absolutely not. You are being pampered this weekend, my dear. You are not to lift a finger,” Harry drops a kiss to his lips. “You brought your journal, yeah? Why don’t you do some writing, if you want? There’s an office here. Or you can read. I’ll be a while, so you’ve got some time for yourself.”  
“Yeah, I think I will write, thanks,” Louis hums. Louis stands up and helps Harry up. Harry kisses him once more before they part ways. Louis heads to their bedroom to grab his journal and goes to the office. The office is as stunning as the rest of the house, and Louis knows instantly that he could get some amazing work done in here. The view of the lake from the floor to ceiling windows is inspiring. Louis sits down at the desk and pulls out a pen and begins to write. It’s so therapeutic to be writing again. He writes and writes and writes until Harry comes behind him and kisses his cheek.  
“Oh, hi,” Louis greets. “How long was I writing for?”  
“Almost two hours.”  
“Was it really?” Louis’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “It felt like no time at all.”  
“What did you write about?” Harry asks, rubbing Louis’ shoulders.  
“It’s weird, because in uni I was so focused on journalism, but I really like writing fiction, like, proper stories. I just came up with this story in my head and went for it,” Louis shrugs.  
“That’s great, baby,” Harry says happily. “I’m so glad you’re getting back into it.”  
“Me, too,” Louis grins. “Is dinner ready? I’m starving.”  
“It is,” Harry smiles. “C’mon.”  
Harry holds Louis’ hand and pulls him up from the chair, leading them to the kitchen. The table is set with a red tablecloth and candles. There are two glasses of red wine sitting next to two bowls of pasta with meatballs. Louis’ mouth waters.  
“This looks amazing,” Louis says, sitting down at the table. Harry sits down across from him and they dig in. It’s delicious and the wine is amazing and the company is even better. They talk easily, playing footsies under the table, and overall enjoy each other and the food.  
“I hope you saved room for dessert,” Harry says as he cleans up the plates. Louis sips his wine.  
“Mm, what’s dessert, then?”  
“I picked up red velvet cake for this really cute bakery nearby,” Harry says, opening up the fridge and pulling out a box. Louis watches as he carefully takes the cake out and puts it on the table. Louis grins when he sees there’s writing on the cake.  
_Thank You For Always Loving Me_  
Louis tears up when he reads the red icing. It’s so simple, but it’s got such a huge impact. It makes Louis certain that he does love Harry, and he always will.  
“Oh, Harry,” Louis murmurs.  
“Seriously, Louis. Thank you. You could have taken the easy way out and just divorced me, but you didn’t. You gave me a second chance, one I probably didn’t deserve. You didn’t have to keep loving me, but you did, and that’s…that’s a huge deal for me. I was so depressed without you. Clinically depressed. I’m so grateful that you loved me through it all, so thank you.”

Louis’ eyes fill with tears. “I’ll always love you. I couldn’t have divorced you even if I wanted to. You’re it for me. You always will be.”  
Harry leans down and cups Louis’ jaw, kissing him deeply. Louis kisses him back, standing up and wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck. Harry holds him around the waist as they kiss deeply, but Harry breaks it off sooner than Louis would like.  
“C’mon, let’s eat dessert. Been craving it all day.”  
Louis smiles and sits across from Harry. They enjoy their cake in comfortable silence, but Louis’ mind is racing. It’s been so long since they’ve had sex. The last time they did was almost six months ago, and Louis doesn’t really count that. It was angry and heady and very out of character for them. It felt more like a one night stand or break up sex, but not the sex Louis is used to. He wants them to have real, intimate sex again, like they used to. He’s completely ready for this step, now.  
The cake is out of this world. It’s moist and Louis could probably eat a bucket of the cream cheese frosting on its own. They devour their pieces and put away the leftovers that Louis is positive he’ll be eating more of tomorrow. When Louis goes to clean the plates, Harry shoos him off to the living room and instructs him to set up Scrabble. Louis laughs but does as he’s told.  
In uni, they used to play Scrabble an embarrassing amount. If they didn’t feel like going out, they would stay in with a few beers or a bottle of wine and play, starting arguments about what did and didn’t count as Scrabble-approved words. It usually ended up with them on the floor laughing until it turned to kissing. It brings back memories of a simpler, happier time in their relationship.  
Louis finishes setting up Scrabble on the coffee table in the living room. Harry comes in holding their wine glasses and sets them down on the table. He sits across Louis on the other side and rubs his hands together.  
“Ready to lose, pal?” Harry asks.  
“No, ready to win, _dude_ ,” Louis teases. Harry rolls his eyes fondly.  
“We’ll see about that. Winner gets to pick the movie we watch tonight.”  
“You’re on.”  
It’s been so long since they’re played Scrabble, and it feels so natural to get back into the swing of things. They argue playfully and they’re insanely competitive, just like they’ve always been.  
“That is not a word!” Louis cries and points at the board.  
“It most definitely is!”  
“What does it mean, then?” Louis asks, raising an eyebrow.  
“Well, I don’t know the _definition_ , but it’s definitely a word.”  
“Use it in a sentence,” Louis challenges.  
“Okay. I just played ‘zenith’ in Scrabble against my husband,” Harry shoots back and throwing his hands in there air.  
“You’re so full of shit,” Louis shakes his head. “Get your phone out and prove it or else you aren’t getting the points.”  
“Fine,” Harry shrugs and pulls out his phone. After a few seconds of tapping away, he grins triumphantly. “Ha! I told you! ‘Zenith: the point in the sky directly above the observer’.”  
“What?!” Louis shakes his head. “Unbelievable.”  
“You’re such a sore loser,” Harry laughs. “Sorry you married a genius.”  
“Someone’s quite full of themselves.”  
“You’ve been with my for twenty years and you never noticed?”  
“I did, I was just being polite by not mentioning it. But now I am because this sucks.”  
Harry laughs again and picks new tiles from the bag. “Aw, you’ve still got a chance at redemption.”  
Louis ends up losing by forty-six points. He’s beyond bitter.  
“Ugh. I forgot how much I hate playing with you.”  
“No you don’t,” Harry grins and crawls over to Louis. He pulls Louis into his arms and kisses his forehead. “You love it.”  
“I know,” Louis sighs. “I’ve missed it.”  
“Me, too,” Harry murmurs. “I’m going to start up the fireplace. Want to make s’mores?”  
“That sounds fantastic. I don’t even care that we already had dessert. That sounds way too good to pass up.”  
“We’re on vacation. Calories don’t exist.”  
“Right,” Louis smiles. Harry gets up from the floor with a groan and heads to the kitchen. Louis puts his back against the couch and sighs. This feels so easy for the first time in forever. Right now, Louis can forget their past. It doesn’t exist right now. It’s just them, together. It’s perfect. Louis is afraid this good, easy feeling will go away, and he absolutely does not want that. He wants this to last forever. He’s certain that he needs to make a move now, needs to have Harry right now, before this all disappears.  
When Harry gets back holding a box of graham crackers, a bag of marshmallows, a bar of chocolate, and two sticks, he grins. Louis gives him a soft smile in return.  
“Um, do you mind if we hold off on the s’mores for a little while?” Louis asks sheepishly.  
“Sure,” Harry says, putting the stuff on the coffee table. “Are you too full?”  
“Actually…” Louis plays with the hem of his shirt. “I was wondering if we could maybe talk.”  
“Of course,” Harry says, but it’s clear that he’s nervous. It’s written all over his face. Finally, Louis is able to read his emotions again, like he was able to do for so long. That year was so difficult, and Harry was a completely different person, it felt like. It was impossible for Louis to know what he was thinking, know what he was feeling. They’ve grown back together, though. It’s become so much simpler for Louis to just look at Harry and know what’s going through his head. He knows when he’s overthinking, or when he’s worried, or when he’s over the moon happy about something. Louis loves being able to read Harry like a book again, it makes their relationship feel repaired, even if it isn’t completely.  
Harry sits beside Louis on the floor and puts a hand on Louis’ knee. “Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah, yeah, everything is perfect,” Louis assures him. He takes Harry’s hand in his and gives it a squeeze. “Absolutely perfect.”  
“Oh, good. I was a little worried.”  
“I noticed,” Louis murmurs. “No need to be.”  
“Good, I’m glad. So, what did you want to talk about, then? I’m all ears.”  
“It’s actually…it’s about our sex life,” Louis says quietly.  
“Oh,” Harry’s eyebrows shoot up. “We can talk about that, definitely.”  
“I figured that topic would interest you,” Louis smiles. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m ready for that step. I’m ready to bring that aspect back to our relationship. I love you, and I think that sex is our last step in fixing this. I want to get back to how we used to be before everything went wrong, and sex was a big part of what happened, I know that. Even our therapist told me that she thinks it’s important that we have a normal, regular, healthy sex life again. Before Josh, we were having sex at least four times a week, remember that? We always fit time in our schedules for it, for each other, and then we stopped. We need to make time for each other, even if that doesn’t mean sex. This weekend is already so perfect, because we get to spend it together. I already feel so much closer to you just from this one night together. I miss having sex, specifically sex with you. We were always so good together, yeah? We get each other. What we have is special, and it doesn’t just happen to everyone. This special connection we have is rare, and I know it. You never had this with anyone else, did you?”  
Louis doesn’t have to say with Nathan. He would rather not say it, but Harry gets it immediately. “Never. Not with anyone, ever. What we have is special, you’re right. I don’t know why I went out searching for something better, when I have the best right here. Nothing has ever compared to you, and nothing ever will. What we have is definitely rare, and I’m so lucky to have found you. I never really believed in soulmates, as you know, but I truly do think you were made for me, and you are my soulmate. We just fit.”  
“Yeah,” Louis squeezes his hand. “I feel the same way. We were meant to be together, and I think, in another life, we still would have found each other. I’d like to believe we always end up together.”  
“I do, too, baby,” Harry murmurs. “I’d really like to kiss you right now, if that’s alright with you.”  
“It’s very alright,” Louis whispers. Harry brushes some hair from Louis’ forehead and cups his jaw. His thumb brushes over his cheekbone and he smiles softly.  
“I love you so much,” Harry whispers. “And I will always love you.”  
Louis looks at him, really looks at him, and his chest swells with love. Harry looks younger, more relaxed, than he has in a while. He’s aged a bit, his hair greying delicately at the temples and faint wrinkles gathering by his eyes, but he’s still got that glow about him, that serene and calm look that makes Louis melt, and that shine in his eyes hasn’t left. But, for his age, he looks amazing. When Louis looks into his eyes, he can see the boy he fell in love with. Louis can’t wait to grow old with him.  
“I love you, too,” Louis whispers back. “Always.”  
It’s all Harry has to hear for him to dive in and capture Louis’ lips with his. Louis kisses back instantly, melting into it. It’s the best kiss they’ve had in almost two years, and Louis wants to savor every second of it.  
“Wait,” Harry breaks it off, pressing his forehead against Louis’. “Want to set the fire first. Romantic and all.”  
“Mm, definitely romantic,” Louis grins. “Make it quick, though.”  
“Yes, sir,” Harry grins devilishly. He stands up and gets to work on the fire. Louis sets up a fluffy blanket in front of the fireplace along with a pile of pillows and he sits with his glass of wine, waiting for Harry to finish up. Harry releases a satisfied noise when the wood crackles and embers of red and orange flicker. He plops down next to Louis once again.  
“Where were we, again?”  
“Need me to refresh your memory?” Louis smirks.  
“I’m getting old, my love. My memory is starting to go. A refresher sounds lovely.”  
“Old man,” Louis rolls his eyes and sighs. “I guess I can show you where we left off, though.”  
Louis puts a hand on his neck and kisses him softly. Harry kisses him right back, putting a hand on his back and gently laying him down on the blanket in front of the fireplace.  
“Is this okay?” Harry murmurs. “Comfortable?”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Louis nods. “Please, Harry. Just kiss me.”  
Harry smiles, fond and soft, and kisses him again. Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s neck to pull him closer. They kiss like that for a long time, not in any rush to move further. It’s been so, so long, and they both want to take their time and savor this, make it count.  
Louis starts to lose patience, though. The kissing is incredible, but it’s been far too long since they’ve had a good, proper fuck, and he needs it. He works at unbuttoning Harry’s shirt and bites at Harry’s bottom lip. Harry starts to kiss down his jaw and his neck, his hands splayed against Louis’ hips.  
“God, I’ve missed you,” Louis whispers, tangling his fingers into Harry’s hair. The fire crackles noisily in the background and Louis feels warm all over, but he can’t blame the flames for that.  
“Missed you so much, love you,” Harry says against Louis’ skin. Louis pushes Harry’s shirt off with some help from Harry, who throws it to the side. He pulls at the hem of Louis’ shirt and immediately gets to work on kissing all over his chest and stomach. “So beautiful, so fucking beautiful. Even these scars are beautiful. They mean so much to me. Carried and gave birth to five of my babies, our babies. You’re so incredible. The love of my life, forever and always. The most amazing person in my life.”  
Louis’ breath hitches quietly, fingernails gently massaging Harry’s scalp as he speaks. Like this, everything is okay again. It’s just like when they first got married, when it was so pure and intimate. By that point, they already knew everything about each other, were already bonded in the highest level possible, and the sex was better than ever. They were all alone in their apartment, no roommates, no kids, just them. Their relationship was so stable at that point in time, even with Harry in med school. Harry would make it a point to make time for Louis and he made sure to put Louis before everything else. Somewhere along the way, that stopped, but it’s getting better. They’re getting better.  
“I love you,” Louis whispers into the dark room. “I love you and I always will.”  
“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” Harry murmurs. “You are my everything.”  
They kiss again, soft and gentle, sweet. Harry kisses down his body again until he reaches the waist of his jeans. He unbuttons them and lowers the zipper, pulling them off with his pants and pushing them off to the side, leaving Louis completely bare and vulnerable. Louis doesn’t feel the need to cover himself, though, not this time around. Right now, he feels completely comfortable with Harry, something he hasn’t felt in a long time. There’s no feeling of self-consciousness tonight, not with the way Harry is looking at him. The love Harry has for Louis is written all over his face.  
Louis watches as Harry opens his legs and puts them over his shoulders. Louis shudders, his feet lying on Harry’s back. Harry looks up at him, his hands holding Louis’ hips.  
“Is this okay?”  
“It’s perfect,” Louis confirms softly. “Please.”  
“Been so long,” Harry murmurs against Louis’ inner thigh.  
“So fucking long.”  
“We won’t go this long ever again,” Harry promises, kissing closer to his hole. “We’ll be ninety years old and still having sex, that’s my promise to you.”  
“Sounds good,” Louis laughs breathlessly.  
“Good,” Harry smiles. He leans in close and breathes in Louis’ scent. Gripping Louis’ hips tighter, he leans in and presses his tongue against Louis’ hole. It’s gentle, just barely there, but it’s enough to make Louis tremble in the best way. He hasn’t been touched in this intimate way in almost two years, and it feels incredible. He needs this so badly. Getting eaten out has always been his favorite thing, and a lot of his past boyfriends didn’t like to do it. Harry, however, gets off on eating Louis out, and does it as much as possible. Harry once got Louis to come four times on his tongue alone.  
The pressure of Harry’s tongue is sensational. Louis’ hands find themselves in Harry’s hair once again, needing something to hold on to. Louis strains his neck just to look down at Harry, wanting to see him as much as he can. He can’t see past the bridge of his nose, but his green eyes are sparkling as he looks right back at Louis.  
Without any warning, Harry presses a finger against Louis’ rim and pushes in slowly. Louis didn’t even notice him lubricate his fingers, but he can definitely feel the slickness of them, which he’s grateful for. Their last time was good, but it was all too rushed and bordering on too painful. It’s nice to be treated with care again.  
Harry slips a second finger in, stroking at Louis’ prostate gently. Louis’ back arches with a whine, stomach muscles tensing up. He stretches easily around Harry’s fingers, opening up more with each thrust. His dick is leaking onto his belly, precome pooling next to his belly button. Harry gets a third finger into him, still licking around his fingers and nosing at his taint.  
“Harry, baby, please, I’m ready,” Louis gasps. If Harry keeps at this, he’s going to come before Harry gets inside of him, and he can’t get it up as quick as he could at eighteen. He wants to make this last.  
“You sure?” Harry asks, kissing at his hipbone and thrusting his fingers deeply for good measure.  
“Yes, yes, please, babe. Want to come on your cock.”  
“I’ve got you, babe, I’ve got you,” Harry soothes, pulling his fingers out with a wet pop. “Do you want to be on top or me?”  
“Me,” Louis breathes. Harry lays on his back on the soft blanket and helps Louis onto his body. Louis spreads his legs to straddle Harry’s narrow hips and leans down to share a slow, intimate kiss with his husband. Louis presses his belly and chest onto Harry’s, not wanting any part of his body not in contact with Harry. Harry reaches behind him to roll a condom onto his length and presses it against Louis’ stretched opening. Louis bites his lip as Harry’s cock breeches him, moaning as it fills him. Louis sinks his hips down slowly to take Harry’s entire length. Harry’s hands grip Louis’ hips tightly as he kisses him again, more fiercely this time. Louis moans into it, his hands on Harry’s chest as he moves slowly. He doesn’t want to rush through this, he wants to make this last, and he wants it to be slow.  
Louis rolls his hips sensually, hole stretching pleasantly with each thrust. The tip of Harry’s cock brushes his prostate each time he reenters him, sending a shock through Louis’ spine. When he thinks about it, the last time they had sex like this, slow, intimate sex, was probably on their last couples holiday. They went away before Louis got pregnant with Joshua, a place similar to this, and enjoyed red wine and chocolate covered strawberries in the Jacuzzi before head back to the rose petal-covered bed. It’s way too long ago.  
Harry gently bites Louis’ lip, bringing him back into the present. Louis’ cock rubs against Harry’s stomach, giving him the friction he needs. He doubts he’ll be able to starve off his orgasm much longer, with the way his stomach is tight and warm.  
“Love you,” Harry murmurs once they break their kiss. “Love you more than you know. Don’t want anyone else, just you. Never want to live without you ever again. You’re my boy, my baby, always will be.”  
Louis whimpers, hiding his face in Harry’s neck as he rocks his hips. One of Harry’s large hands gently trails up and down Louis’ spine, his own hips thrusting up a bit with the need to come.  
“H…” Louis murmurs, nails scratching down Harry’s pecs.  
“Come for me, baby, go ahead. Want you to come for me. Want to see you come.”  
Harry holds the back of Louis’ neck and Louis meets his eyes. All it takes is one look at Harry to have him coming between their sweaty bodies. Harry comes shortly after, holding Louis down as he moans.  
They stay like that for a while, just kissing softly and coming down from their post-orgasm hazes. It eventually gets too uncomfortable for Louis to handle so he carefully gets off of Harry and moves in Harry’s arms instead, head on his chest.  
“Wow,” Louis murmurs, hair sticking to his forehead from sweat. “Hasn’t been that good in…a long time.”  
“I know,” Harry agrees sadly. “I’m sorry.”  
“That’s okay. We’re going to make up for it,” Louis assures him. “Aren’t we?”  
“That I can definitely promise you,” Harry says, kissing his forehead. “Thank you for still loving me.”  
“Always.”  
~  
*Harry*  
_”I choose you. And I’ll choose you over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you” – Unknown_  
“Look at how cute you look!” Louis coos at his son and his friend, Emma. They’re heading off to their Christmas dance, and Harry and Louis will be chaperoning. They’re all dressed up for the event, the younger kids with Gemma. Louis plants a kiss on Lucas’s cheek, which makes their son blush with embarrassment.  
“Dad,” he whines and Louis and Harry both laugh.  
“Sorry, love. Oh, shoot, I forgot my wallet,” Louis says. He walks past Harry with a pat to his stomach and heads up the stairs.  
“I’m going to run to the loo,” Emma says and heads off.  
Harry takes the opportunity and goes over to his son and discretely hands him a condom.  
“I’m not condoning you having sex, mind, but you’re sixteen and I know things happen around this age. I would rather you be safe if you are planning to do it. I would rather you not do it at all, of course, because I think you should wait until you’re ready to do it with someone you love, but just in case. I want you to be able to come to me about this kind of stuff. Dad might freak out, because you’re always going to be his baby, but if you need anything, you can always come to me. Understand?”  
“Yes,” Lucas huffs out, his cheeks flaming red. “I’m not going to need this, though. Emma and I are just friends.”  
“Well, like I said, just in case. Better safe than sorry, I always say,” Harry murmurs, fixing Lucas’s bowtie.  
“Is that what happened with you and dad?” Lucas asks timidly. “You weren’t’ safe, so instead you were sorry?”  
“What?” Harry’s brows furrow, taken aback. “Absolutely not. You were completely planned, Lucas. Your dad and I wanted a baby so badly once we got married. We started trying right away, even though I was still in med school, I knew I wanted a baby more than anything else. I couldn’t wait until I was done with school, and neither could your dad. We were so beyond excited when we found out you were coming, and even though it was so hard to handle a newborn and med school, it was so worth it. You were so worth it, and you still are. Don’t ever think you were unwanted in any way. What I’m doing has nothing to do with personal experience. I just want you to finish college and find someone you really love instead of it being a total accident and things maybe not working out so well. Do you get that?”  
“Yeah,” Lucas nods. “I get it. Thanks, pop.”  
“Of course,” Harry smiles softly, kissing Lucas’s forehead despite his protests.  
“Can I ask you something, though?”  
“Anything.”  
“How old were you when you lost your virginity? I mean, I don’t think I’m ready, but a lot of my friends have already done it.”  
“I was seventeen,” Harry answers honestly. “But I wish I waited a little longer. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I wish I had waited until I met your dad instead. I wish it was more special than it actually was. I wish it was with your dad, even if I had to wait a little longer. I love him and I know it would have been way more special. The first time your dad and I…you know, it was so special, because we had a real connection. We had been dating for a while first, and we developed strong feelings for each other before we took the next step. That made all the difference. So just keep that in mind. Don’t let what other people are doing dictate your life.”  
“I won’t,” Lucas replies. “I’m not ready, anyway.”  
“Nothing wrong with that,” Harry gives him a soft smile.  
“Alright, sorry, had to fix my hair again!” Louis comes bouncing down the stairs. “Kept falling.”  
“Looks perfect, babe,” Harry grins softly.  
“Thanks, love,” Louis smiles back.  
Emma comes out of the bathroom moments later, makeup refreshed.  
“Well, everyone looks beautiful, so I think we should head out,” Harry claps. “Everyone ready?”  
“Ready,” Emma confirms with a smile, intertwining her fingers with Lucas’s. Lucas blushes again and Harry bites back a grin. Maybe they aren’t just friends after all. Harry takes Louis’ hand in his and squeezes it as he leads him out of the house with the kids following them.  
“Going to be honest, babe,” Harry starts. “I was a little mad you signed us up to chaperone without telling me and I thought it might be boring, and it easily could be, but I’m pretty excited. I think it’s going to be a good night for us all.”  
“I’m glad you’ve come around, then,” Louis smiles. “I have a good feeling about it, too.”  
They head out to the car, air cold with winter right around the corner. Louis holds Harry’s hand the whole car ride to the banquet hall, and even though Louis’ fingers are freezing, Harry loves every minute.  
“Anyone else I know going to be here?” Harry asks.  
“Liam and Sophia are chaperoning, but that’s it, I think. You might know some other parents from other events, but I’m not sure of exactly who,” Louis explains.  
“Just wondering.”  
“You really didn’t have to do this, dad,” Lucas says from the back, clearly embarrassed that his fathers are going to be in attendance.  
“They needed chaperones,” Louis says easily, either completely oblivious to their son’s discomfort or unbothered by it. “It gave your dad and I a reason to dress up and have some fun, too. We’ll stay out of your way, I promise.”  
“I can’t make that same promise,” Harry smirks. “If I see any funny business, I’m taking you home.”  
“Papa!” Lucas shrieks.  
“He’s just teasing, honey,” Louis laughs. “We’ll stay out of your way.”  
Harry can feel his teenage son rolling his eyes, that’s how well he can read his kids. His mother wasn’t kidding when she talked about eyes in the back of her head.  
When they get to the banquet hall, Harry opens Louis’ door for him and escorts him inside. Emma and Lucas walk side by side in front of them.  
While Louis is smiling, he speaks tightly. “I heard your entire condom conversation with our sixteen-year-old son, you know.”  
“Shit,” Harry mutters. “How did you hear that?”  
“I’ve got five kids, Harry, I hear everything. I can’t believe you gave him a condom and didn’t even talk to me,” Louis says through clenched teeth and a fake smile.  
“Isn’t it better he’s safe if he does decide to have sex?” Harry sighs. “He told me he isn’t ready, anyway, but I would rather him know we’re here for any questions instead of him going to his ignorant friends and hearing the wrong information. Do you know how many people think you can’t get pregnant your first time? A very not true myth is plaguing our youth, Louis.”  
“Alright, sorry, Dr. Styles, I wasn’t aware,” Louis laughs quietly. “I just hate the thought of him growing up.”  
“I know, baby. I do, too, but we need to prepare him for the real world. He needs to be ready.”  
“I know,” Louis sighs dejectedly.  
“We still have the little ones at home,” Harry reminds him.  
“I know, I know, but Lucas is my first born.”  
“We’ll get through it,” Harry assures him, squeezing his hand. “C’mon, let’s go find Liam and Sophia.”  
They part ways with Lucas and Emma and find Liam, Sophia, and another couple, Katie and Lauren, they’ve met through other school events. They sit at their table and catch up about their lives, work, and their kids. Katie and Lauren talk about their most recent drama; their eighteen-year-old daughter, Savannah, had a pregnancy scare.  
“It’s like they don’t listen,” Lauren shakes her head. “Savannah went on the pill for irregular periods and thinks she can do whatever she wants. She didn’t realize that when you take antibiotics for strep throat the pill is ineffective. She’s so lucky it was just a scare because I wasn’t raising another baby.”  
“Aren’t you glad I gave Lucas a condom now?” Harry raises his eyebrows at Louis.  
“Alright, you’ve made your point,” Louis sighs.  
“Teenagers always think they’re invincible,” Liam says. “I know I used to think that, too. I never wanted to use condoms, always said it didn’t feel the same. Sophia straightened my ass out, though.”  
“You knew you weren’t getting anywhere near me without it,” Sophia smirks.  
“Just have to do your best to educate them,” Louis says. “And hope it works.”  
“That’s for sure,” Katie says.  
They enjoy their dinner more than they expected to, and conversations flows easily. Once the dance floor starts to fill, Harry grabs Louis’ hand and brings him over.  
“So much for not embarrassing Lucas,” Louis laughs when Harry starts to dance.  
“Hey. I am a great dancer,” Harry says seriously.  
“Right, love.”  
They dance to a few fast songs, slow dance to the slow ones, and overall enjoy themselves.  
“I’ll be right back,” Harry shouts over the music. He presses a kiss to Louis’ cheek and goes to the DJ. The DJ is probably only twenty years old, so Harry hopes this works.  
“Hey, I have a song request,” Harry says.  
“Sure, what can I play for ya?”  
“ _Dancing Queen_ by ABBA.”  
He gets a blank star in return.  
“Oh, Christ,” Harry mutters. “Could you just…look it up and take my word for it?”  
“Sure, dude, if you say so.”  
“You’ve seriously never heard of ABBA? _Mamma Mia_?”  
He gets another blank stare.  
“Alright, never mind. Just make sure you play it?”  
The DJ gives him a thumbs up and he walks away. He’s never felt so old in his entire life.  
He walks back to Louis, who’s talking to Liam about something Harry can’t hear. Harry sneaks up behind him and grabs his hips, swaying to the music.  
“It’s like we’re back in uni, huh?” Harry says into Louis’ ear. “Like our club nights and frat parties.”  
“Yeah, except now we’re old,” Louis laughs.  
“No, we’re not! How dare you!”  
“Young at heart, for sure.”  
_Dancing Queen_ begins to play, which makes Louis laugh. “How old is this DJ that he knows ABBA?”  
“Oh, he’s not. I requested it. We used to love ABBA! Remember when I took you to New York City just to see _Mamma Mia_? When I surprised you for your twenty-second birthday?”  
“How could I forget?” Louis smiles and turns in Harry’s arms. Harry begins to sing to him, loud and obnoxious, as is his nature.  
_Friday night and the lights are low  
looking out for a place to go  
where they play the right music  
getting in the swing  
you’ve come to look for a king  
anybody could be that guy  
night is young and the music’s high  
with a bit of rock music  
everything is fine  
you’re in the mood for a dance  
and when you get the chance _  
Louis laughs loudly, eyes crinkling with it. “I already found my king.”  
Harry grins madly and continues on.  
_You are the dancing queen  
young and sweet, only seventeen  
dancing queen  
feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah  
you can dance  
you can jive  
having the time of your life  
see that girl  
watch that scene  
dig in the dancing queen _  
It’s more fun than they’ve had in a long time. With five kids and Harry’s career, they don’t get very much time to go out anymore, especially out dancing at a club or something similar. Maybe they’re a little too old for the club scene, but this is perfect. They’re reliving their past together. When they didn’t feel like dealing with the hassle of going out, they used to stay in and dance to boy bands and musicals. It’s some of the best memories that Harry has with Louis. It’s a testament to how amazing their relationship is. They don’t need anything or anyone but each other.  
“I’m glad you made us do this,” Harry grins when the song ends, holding Louis close.  
“Told you it would be fun,” Louis smirks. “You need to have more faith in me.”  
“I always have.”  
~  
*Louis*  
_“I’ll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future” – LaToya Jackson _  
“What’s going on in here?” Louis asks through a yawn, padding into the kitchen on his birthday. He woke up to an empty bed and the sweet smell of pancakes. The empty bed sucked, but Harry’s pancakes are totally worth it.  
“Morning, daddy!” Joshua screams happily, resting on Harry’s hip. Harry whispers something in his ear with a fond smile before the toddler is shouting again. “Happy birfday!”  
“Thank you, baby,” Louis grins, taking him out of Harry’s arms to kiss his baby boy.  
“Happy birthday, baby,” Harry murmurs, leaning in for a kiss. Louis stands on his tiptoes, licking into his mouth softly before pulling apart.  
“Thank you, honey,” Louis smiles, pushing away some of Harry’s messy curls. His hair is starting to grow back since his last cut, and it makes him look so young again. “Looks delicious.”  
“They’re my pancakes,” Harry says flatly. “Of course they’re delicious.”  
“You’re right,” Louis’ mouth quirks up. “Forgot.”  
“The rest of the kids are wrapping up your gift,” Harry says. “They did it by themselves, actually. They told me not to tell you.”  
“You? Keep a secret? Never.”  
“Ha ha,” Harry deadpans. “I can take these pancakes away in a heartbeat.”  
“Rude,” Louis frowns. “Papa is being mean,” he frowns at Joshua.  
“No be mean, Papa!” Joshua scolds, wagging his finger at his father.  
“Okay, okay, sorry!” Harry laughs, his dimples showing off in that way that makes Louis weak. Those dimples have always been his favorite. It gives Harry that boyish charm of his.  
“Happy birthday!” four voices yell, coming into the kitchen carrying a wrapped present.  
“Thank you, guys,” Louis smiles fondly. “Is this for me?”  
“Duh,” Jake says, exasperated.  
“He has your attitude,” Harry chimes in, flipping the pancakes over. Louis glares at him and sticks his tongue out.  
“What do you guys have for me?” Louis asks.  
“Sit first,” Sophia says, pulling out a kitchen chair for him. Louis laughs and sits down, scanning the faces of his kids.  
“The anticipation is killing me,” he says seriously.  
“Okay, go ahead,” Lucas says, putting the box down inside of him. “Open it.”  
Louis smiles and tears off the paper and opening up the big white box it comes in. He finds a thick photo album. He gently takes it out of the box and sees a recent family photo of all seven of them when they took a trip to Spain in October. Louis has a feeling he’s going to cry.  
He opens it up gently and sees it it’s done by year. 2012 is the first one with a picture of Louis and Harry drunk off their asses at a bar together. It’s a timeline, he realizes. There are pictures for every year of his relationship with Harry, and soon there are wedding pictures and baby pictures and Halloween costumes and Christmas morning toys and his entire family in one album. It’s beautiful and incredible and represents them so well, it’s amazing.  
It’s not just pictures; it’s sonograms and hospital bracelets and concert tickets. It’s full of his memories; full of memories he was able to build with Harry. It’s amazing when he looks back, how fast the time has gone. Twenty years just flew by, right past him, and he wishes he could slow time down a bit. He doesn’t want to turn around and see Joshua already getting married. He wants him to stay a baby as long as he can.  
“Oh,” Louis tries to hold back a sob. “This is beautiful, guys. I absolutely love it. Papa didn’t help you at all?”  
“Well,” Harry says. “I might have put out a box not so secretly with pictures and such. They asked if they could use it for a gift and I said yes.”  
“This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten,” Louis sniffs, opening up his arms. “C’mere.”  
The kids all crowd in and hold Louis tightly, all taking turns to give him a kiss. Louis tries to dry his fallen tears quickly so they don’t see it, but Gabriella catches it. She’s so intuitive, just like Harry. They pick up on everything.  
“What’s wrong, Daddy?” she asks, sounding concerned.  
“Nothing, honey,” Louis smiles, wiping his eyes. “I just love you all so much. They’re happy tears, I promise.”  
“Good,” Harry says, standing next to him and putting his arm around his shoulders. He bends down for a kiss to his forehead. “Breakfast is ready.”  
“Didn’t you get me a gift?” Louis asks, not meaning to sound rude, but Harry is always buying Louis gifts constantly, even if it’s not his birthday. Harry just grins, though, putting the plate of pancakes on the table.  
“That’s tonight. Don’t’ worry.”  
“Gonna make me wait for it?” Louis asks, appalled.  
“Don’t I always?” Harry says lowly, smirking at him. Louis tries to hide his smile and swats him away.  
“Watch it, the kids are here,” Louis says quietly, but sneaks a pinch at his husband’s butt.  
They spoil Louis rotten, and it’s so nice to be the one pampered for once. He doesn’t have to wash the dishes or do the laundry or vacuum the carpets or make the beds. Everything is taken care of for him, and it’s so nice.  
After dinner, prepared by Harry, they’re all around the Christmas tree with mugs of hot chocolates and a big plate of cookies. It’s so cliché, honestly, and back in uni he would think this was ridiculous, but as he got older and had kids, he finds this is perfect. He likes having this, these traditions that his kids can pass down if they want. It makes him feel whole.  
“Okay,” Louis says, putting his mug down on the coffee table. “I want to know what this gift is now.”  
Harry smiles, his eyes shining in the twinkle of the Christmas lights. God, Louis’ life is one fat cliché now, and he wouldn’t change a thing.  
A small box is presented in front of Louis in Harry’s palm. “Open it.”  
So he does, and he finds a diamond silver band shining bright inside the black velvet box. There’s a small note on the top with three simple words, written in neat cursive writing.  
Marry me again?  
Louis does cry now, letting out a bit of a whimper before throwing himself against Harry, pressing his face into his neck and sobbing out yes after yes. Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ middle, holding him close and nuzzling his nose against his jaw.  
“I love you so much,” Harry murmurs, kissing wherever he can reach. “And I can’t wait to marry you again.”  
“Me either,” Louis sniffs. “I love you, too.”  
“Forgive me?” Harry asks, holding his breath for the answer.  
“Yes, I forgive you. You’re an idiot, but I love you and I’m never going to stop loving you. You and me forever.”  
“Good,” Harry breathes deeply, carding his fingers into Louis’ hair and pulling him in for a long kiss. The kids all coo at them, so happy to see their parents working things out. Their family feels complete again, like all those shattered pieces have come together one at a time, and the missing piece was finally found. It’s still fragile, but it’s fixed, and it’s beautiful.  
~  
_“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong”-Ghandi_  
“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands, again.”  
Louis and Harry smile at each other. Harry grabs Louis’ hips and pulls him in for a passionate kiss while everyone cheers around them. It’s a fairly small ceremony, with Lucas as Louis’ best man and Jake for Harry’s, Joshua as the ring bearer, and Sophia and Gabriella as the bridesmaids. This time around, they just wanted it to be small and intimate, with their kids being included. Their first wedding was huge and glamorous, and this is exactly how they both wanted their vow renewal to be. It was more personal this way, with only their closest family and friends there in a garden they were able to rent out. It’s a beautiful September day, with not a cloud in the sky and a gentle breeze.__

__They walk down the aisle hand in hand, smiling brighter than the sun. The kids follow behind, looking equally as happy that their dads are so in love. Everything is good again._ _

__Harry and Louis make their rounds to their guests together, thanking them all for coming and sharing this very important day with them._ _

__“This is so beautiful, you two. The kids are so big now,” one of Harry’s aunts coos. “I can’t believe how fast they’ve grown up.”_ _

__“Us either,” Louis chuckles, fitting himself into Harry’s side comfortably. “It happened in the blink of an eye, it feels.”_ _

__“They’re such great kids. They’re all so beautiful, you can tell they take after the two of you,” she winks._ _

__“Thanks, Aunt Donna,” Harry smiles and gives Louis’ side a squeeze._ _

__“If the grooms would please find their way to the dance floor for their special dance,” Liam grins, having volunteered himself to play DJ for the night. He beckons them over and Harry grabs Louis’ hand and brings him into the center of the garden so everyone can see them.  
The first notes of their new wedding song, _Never Stop_ by Safetysuit, starts to play. Harry found it by accident while messing around on YouTube, but while listening to it, he knew it fit the two of them perfectly. Louis looks up at Harry fondly while Harry puts one hand on his waist and intertwines their fingers with the other. Louis puts his hand on Harry’s chest as they start to sway, his eyes shining brightly._ _

__“This song is perfect for us,” Louis murmurs. “We might as well have written it. That’s how appropriate it is.”_ _

__“Absolutely,” Harry whispers. “Thought it was beautiful.”_ _

__“It is. Just like you,” Louis smiles._ _

__“Not as beautiful as you, though,” Harry says fondly, grinning ear to ear._ _

__“Always trying to one-up me, Styles,” Louis rolls his eyes teasingly and giggles. “I’m not sure if you know this, but I love you. Like, a lot.”_ _

__“I think I did know that, but I like to hear it anyway,” Harry replies softly, pressing a kiss to Louis’ forehead. “And I happen to love you too. Like, a lot”_ _

__“Well, that’s a relief, considering we’ve just gotten married for a second time.”_ _

__Harry grins and holds Louis closer. Nothing can tear them apart now. They’ve been through too much together, and they always come out stronger than ever. Home is home again, and it’s going to stay that way._ _

___I will never stop trying  
I will never stop watching as you leave  
I will never stop losing my breath every time I see you looking back at me  
I will never stop holding your hand  
I will never stop opening your door  
I will never stop choosing you babe  
I will never get used to you _  
~  
_I am yours  
and I will whisper it  
and shout it  
and write it  
and carve it into my skin  
if only blood  
would tell you  
the truth you need to see.  
I am yours  
and I have never  
been anyone’s before  
-Tyler Knott Gregson  
__ _

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is hilourry and i hope you all enjoyed!


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